Silent Pain

Started by Midnight Moon~ October 20th, 2010 12:28 PM
  • 720 views
  • 8 replies
Age 28
Male
'.' Why would I say?
Seen January 4th, 2013
Posted December 25th, 2010
71 posts
12.6 Years
A new poem, and a different approach to writing it. Hopefully it's better then my others..

Silent Pain

This love is like an ocean storm;
Raging through my heart.
Rain and sunshine, chaotic mix;
Alone in the dark.

Do you know the power of love?
So hard to control;
Tearing me to pieces inside;
Release my poor soul.

I need the kiss of peace;
To restore my faith.
Hateful love burns my ravaged heart;
Oh, my pain is great.

My saddened eyes drop crystal-like tears;
I scream out in pain.
A silent scream that goes unheard;
Barely staying sane.

Dropping to my knees, face in hands;
Holding back my sighs;
Hurting like I've never before;
Why me? Why now? Why!?

Azurne

The Local Trickster

Age 33
Female
Seen August 19th, 2011
Posted August 16th, 2011
78 posts
14.5 Years
Ooh, I like the dark tone of this. You have a good talent for poetry and it shows.

This line here is my favorite, I think:
Hateful love burns my ravaged heart;
The way you combined hateful and loved was particularly nice.

Some concrit:
I scream out in pain.
They're silent screams that go unheard;
First it is a single scream, but now you have 'they're' with the plural screams, and it somewhat throws us off a bit. Maybe 'I scream out in pain. A silent scream that goes unheard'? Otherwise I think I know where you're coming from.

Holding back my sighs;
'Sighs' is an interesting choice of word here, since I would have chosen a stronger verb like sob, to convey the narrator's hurt. Was it just the first word that came to mind or deliberate?
Why me? Why now? Why!?
And lastly, I do love how you ended this. =3
Age 28
Male
'.' Why would I say?
Seen January 4th, 2013
Posted December 25th, 2010
71 posts
12.6 Years
Thank you(: I have another one like this coming soon, it's half finished. Started on it five minutes ago.
(Does the speed in which I write affect the quality of my poems?)

Why me? Why now? Why!?


To get the intended feeling form this ending, it helps if you've heard a heart-breaking scream before. Like a mother who's just lost the life of her child, for example. Or, if you ever played final fantasy crisis core, when Cloud screams "NO!!!!" when Zack dies. (Yes, I cried at the ending u.u)