Untitled

Started by Azurne December 8th, 2010 5:31 PM
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  • 3 replies

Azurne

The Local Trickster

Age 33
Female
Seen August 19th, 2011
Posted August 16th, 2011
78 posts
14.5 Years
This is not my home.
There is no solace here
Only the cold whispers of a life long gone.
Someone else used to reside in this place,
Her name I used to know
I stare into the white-faced mirror
Her shape cringes in return.
No, I do not know her
This house is not my own
She might have once looked like me,
But the thunder downstairs looks and shouts
That we are not
And never will be
The same.

Regeneration

meow

Male
Somewhere I Belong
Seen December 15th, 2016
Posted July 23rd, 2016
1,421 posts
12.5 Years
I suddenly feel like reviewing some of the poems out here~! ^_^ You are my first prey.

I stare in the white-faced mirror
This sentence should be either, "I stare into the white-faced mirror." or "I stare at the white faced mirror." Also, I think mirrors are usually referred to as silver rather than white.

But the thunder downstairs looks and shouts
The word "looks"; I don't think that it goes in well with looks. I understand that you are trying to say that the 'thunder' looks and shouts, but either way I don't think it fits in. Or try changing that word (thunder). :\

Overall, I think this is a nice piece of poetry with a pretty well formation of words. I'll be looking forward to an even better piece of poetry the next time. :)

Azurne

The Local Trickster

Age 33
Female
Seen August 19th, 2011
Posted August 16th, 2011
78 posts
14.5 Years
Anxiety is a large example theme in poetry.
And you really show that.
Well done!
Thank you. :3
This sentence should be either, "I stare into the white-faced mirror." or "I stare at the white faced mirror." Also, I think mirrors are usually referred to as silver rather than white.
The word "into" I genuinely missed, thanks. XD

This mirror is supposed to be white for a reason, not silver. :]
The word "looks"; I don't think that it goes in well with looks. I understand that you are trying to say that the 'thunder' looks and shouts, but either way I don't think it fits in. Or try changing that word (thunder). :\
I... think I understand what you're trying to say. Do you mean that it's impossible for thunder to physically 'look' at something, and therefore it doesn't fit? If so, I deliberately put the word 'thunder' in there, and in this poem yes, thunder has a face and it can look. This poem wasn't intended for anyone to really understand what it means, unless you know me or you're someone who has been through the same thing I am. I had written it to get it off my mind and distract me last night.
Overall, I think this is a nice piece of poetry with a pretty well formation of words. I'll be looking forward to an even better piece of poetry the next time. :)
Thanks, except I'm not really a poet and this is one of the rare times I write poetry. I will try to make my next one better though, bwahaha. :p

Again, thank you for the comments. :]