Dragonball AM[Tempoary Name]

Started by O December 2nd, 2004 4:05 AM
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Age 29
I'm not sure myself. :(
Seen January 14th, 2008
Posted January 14th, 2008
1,261 posts
18.7 Years
The AM stands for Aftermath... Just a tempoary name so don't say its unoriginal. This one is after GT... And er that's all constructive critiscm please and not WOW IT'S SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 100000/10
~

Just a little Character Revision.

A few years past, Son Goku, strongest fighter in the whole universe has left with Shenlong. Things were pretty much the same in terms of big villians attacking the world.

Pan is now in Orange Star High School, she has pretty good grades in school and had a PE Talent. The PE Talent is obviously from her Saiyan blood but nobody knows this apart from one teacher.

Yamcha coaches baseball in Orange Star High School, he has Puar turn into a Baseball just in case he didn't do what he intended to do.

Krillin, 18, and Maron still live in Papaya Island, with Krillin in his retirement life. Maron also goes to Orange Star High School. Pan and Maron are pretty good friends there.

Tien and Chiaotzu have been teaching Yoga to others, with Tien always wearing a hat to hide his third eye.

Gohan teaches in West City University, where Goten and Trunks attend school. Goten managed to skip a grade with a bit of help from his brother. Goten has about 6 lessons with Trunks in School. Both Goten and Trunks are going to graduate very soon.

Vegeta does daily workouts but his arm has gotten weaker during the fight with Li Shenlong. It is now getting stronger. Bulma still walks around every once in a while to check on things.

ChiChi hasn't really changed, with Gohan taking care of Goten more than her.

Piccolo has been returned to New Namek, where he claims to title of King Piccolo II. Gohan visits Namek every once in a while to visit his trainer in the holidays.

Bulla has managed to skip enough grades to finish University already, seeing as she is well educated. She now works as the Vice-President of Capsule Corp, ready to take over President any time soon.
O

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
Nice character revisions, it follows the story on what really happened on GT, and the aftermath of it. So far so good, its the real story now that awaits.
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

After 7 years, Xbox Live is Still Amazing

·!¦[·Latest pieces of Writing·]¦!·
Age 29
I'm not sure myself. :(
Seen January 14th, 2008
Posted January 14th, 2008
1,261 posts
18.7 Years
Sorry this chapter is kind of weird. I couldn't really think of anything to write about and I didn't want super villians coming in the first chapter.
Chapter 1- The Surprise

The bell rang. The minute hand of the Orange Star High School clock had struck 12. 7 o' clock was the time that students face their daily torture.

"Hey Maron!" Pan shouted. Her friend with greenish-blue colored hair rushed up to her. Pan took off her orange bandanna and tied it to her wrist. She was a tomboy of sorts, excelling others in PE, even boys. For the first and second periods, Pan had PE. This was Pan's favorite, with her Saiyan blood giving her a big advantage.

"And now, I'd like you to run 7 laps around the field."

Pan kept a steady pace through the whole run, with even the Teacher, Mr Ronner being outrunned by Pan.

The day continued, Pan being even more bored by the second. Finally the bell rung again. The Torture was over. Pan walked over towards the street and waited. She sat on an old bench next to the school gates and waited. An orange car with blue highlights, resembling her Grandpa, Goku's Gi zoomed along the road, halting when it had seen Pan. The door opened.

"Uncle Goten!" Pan cried. She rushed towards her uncle and embraced him. "Where's Dad?" Curiosity filled Pan's huge eyes.

"He's..." Goten's words died out. "Just get in the car."

Trunks was in the front seat next to Goten and couldn't help being nervous when Pan kept staring at him.

"What should we tell Pan? That her dad has just gone off to fight another round of weirdass aliens along with mine?" Trunks hissed. Pan was listening to her mp3, so she didn't notice anything.

"I don't know..." Goten replied. "We're here!"

Goten, Trunks, and Pan rushed into the small apartment. Goten and Pan looked into the fridge and wolfed down everything they saw. Anyone, as long as they have Goku's blood in them had big appetite. Trunks chuckled.

"Pan, why don't we go to Capsule Corp? Bulla has this nifty gadget for us." Trunks said, Pan; being lovestruck with Trunks agreed. Goten followed behind as they flew towards West City.

"Hi Trunks, Hi Pan, Hi Go...ten." Bulla greeted her 2 guests, Bulla and Goten blushed as Trunks threw each of them a white labcoat.
~
Now I really do apologize for this stupid chapter, I had like 5 mintues to type this up and make sure it didn't go to Pokmon-ish. The 2nd chapter will improve greatly.
O

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
cool thats really good, one thing though trunks doesn't have goku's blood in him remember so why include him in that great big feast... well now that ya mention it I do remember him having quite an apetite too
I don't think Trunks was included, he was just commenting on how Goku's blood, is making Pan and Goten have a big appetite.

The chapter itself is good, but it dousn't really explain or give any hints on what the "surprise" is. I hope chapter 2 explains what it is in some form.
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

After 7 years, Xbox Live is Still Amazing

·!¦[·Latest pieces of Writing·]¦!·
Age 29
I'm not sure myself. :(
Seen January 14th, 2008
Posted January 14th, 2008
1,261 posts
18.7 Years
I rethought myself, I think it would be better to do lots of short chapters instead of few long chapters. That is what I've been doing all the time and I never got to finish anything by making long chapters.
~
Chapter 2- Revealed!
"...as you guys might remember, Frieza is wanting to kill all Saiyans, so that means, even us Demi-Saiyans are in danger." Bra finished. "So we'd best try to find a solution to this, because if we don't, we won't survive and the Earth won't survive... Seeing as its only protector is Hercule."

Pan laughed, it was true that both her grandpas were strong fighters... But Grandpa Goku compared to Grandpa Hercule was just stupid. Grandpa Goku is more than 10s, and 100s, and 1000s times stronger than Hercule.

"And that will be why Gohan left Earth." Trunks filled in. They have been in the room for 30 minutes and Pan just waited for why his Dad is gone.
~
I thought some was better than nothing... I was typing it on word and then my mum came in so bleh...
O

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
Yes some is better then nothing, but when you make chapters that short it does not really explain much to anything really.

If you plan to make short chapters it would be better to make them slightly longer, so it explains what is going on, oppose to just giving slight details on the storyline.
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

After 7 years, Xbox Live is Still Amazing

·!¦[·Latest pieces of Writing·]¦!·
Age 29
I'm not sure myself. :(
Seen January 14th, 2008
Posted January 14th, 2008
1,261 posts
18.7 Years
This Chapter COntains Blood

Kamehameha is pronounced Ka-Meh-Ha-Meh-Ha

Furidga is pronounced Fu-ridge-a

Masenko-ha is pronounced Ma-Sen-Ko-Ha

Makkankosappo is pronounced Ma- Can-Koh-Sap-po

Chapter 3- Duel of Dragons
"Kamehameha!" Gohan shouted. He was on Namek, battling what seems like the Son of Frieza, Furidga. He ducked as he shot multiple ki blasts at him, just barely evading it. He threw both his hands up and charged up his signature move.

"Masenko-ha!" Furidga dodged the attack with what looked like INstant Transmission. Gohan was shocked. Furidga was even stronger than Frieza... But with the same goal, same race, same training... How could his power level be so much higher? Golden aura enveloped Gohan as he turned Super Saiyajin 1st Level.

"Do you really think turning your hair gold can hurt me?" Furidga taunted. He dashed across to his enemy, as Gohan stepped back. Gohan thrust both hands backwards, with his emotion adding to his powers, he was ready to kick butt.

"Kamehameha!" This wave was stronger than the one he previously fired. It made a huge hole in Furidga. Furidga regenerated and Elbowed Gohan with a horn on his elbow. Blood streamed from his Heart.

"Father! I have killed a Saiyan! I have fulfilled part of your dream!" FUridga roared. He picked up the dead body of Gohan and threw him aside.
~
Namek was getting worse... Piccolo looked at the planet, all of the buildings destroyed, only by Furidga... And Gohan hasn't come back yet. He put on his trademark turban along with his chest protector and flew off.
~
Furidga turned around. He could sense a power level... This one was of Piccolo. He charged up for his ultimate attack, Ice Dragon as he began to glow in a light violet aura. He threw both hands backwards, formed them into a fist. A huge Ice Dragon came out as he thrust his both hands forwards.

"Porunga!" Piccolo roared. The Namekian Shenlong emerged from beneath the grounds. Porunga had been more of a guardian than a Shenlong now and served as Piccolo's Pet. Furidga leapt onto his Ice Dragon with Piccolo doing the same. He threw off his turban and chest protector and focused on his Ki. "Makkankosappo!" The energy blast was easily dodged by Furidga.

"I expected more of you... King of Nameks..."
O

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
Everything is just going a bit too fast, for Gohan to be defeated that easily, it makes him look like a weakling, and for Furidga just to beat him with one blow, dousn't seem right. I could see how he dies from having his heart damaged, but there wasn't really any action going to for it to lead to that so quickly.

Also, it would be better if you did a bit of introduction to what is going on, because all of a sudden Gohan is fighting Furidga, without much of an explanation.
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

After 7 years, Xbox Live is Still Amazing

·!¦[·Latest pieces of Writing·]¦!·