I noticed you haven’t gotten any reviews yet, so here I am to rectify the problem. Grammar and spelling mistakes are highlighted in red and things that are to be discussed are highlight in green.
However, what exactly is reality? Is it something normal, or something rare? Is it what it seems to be, or is there things hidden from us? Well...Knowing too little or too much will always give you an untimely death in the end. That's what I realized when I awoke from my deep sleep that morning. Death was very untimely.
I have gone by many names over my years alive. From idiotic nicknames to girly phrases. Example, Flowers. Who in their right mind nicknames a teen Flowers?! My real first name is Kobalt. Kobalt Okano. Though, I have reason to believe my best friends have forgotten that long ago. Even my parents don't address me by the name they gave me. Life sucks, ya know?
I hesitate to bring something like this up, but I do have a bit of problem with the name of your main character. He’s presumably Japanese, but has such an odd first name for his location and culture. It seems to be a fancy spelling of the element Cobalt, which really isn’t your normal, everyday name. It just really stretches my suspension of disbelief. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have been bothered with it too much if it wasn’t stated that he lives near Japan (and also has what seems to be a Japanese last name).
Also: Flowers. I don’t see it at all. It’s just too weird to work as a nickname, especially for a male. Not only that, but since he seemingly lives in a non-American and non-European community, I’m wondering what he’s doing with an English word as a nickname.
I know I’m nitpicking, but these types of things bug me.
Where I live? Well. Since I'm all paranoid about stalkers...No address. Simply put, I live on a small continent off the coast of Japan. We're hardly known of, and not a single plane stops here. Sure, the random ship stops by to unload food and the like, but that's it. It's rare to have new people move in. Who would want to move here? We've hardly caught up with modern technology. No iphones here. Hell, we're lucky to have a nice flat screen TV in our shack-of-a-house!
I know what you’re trying to do here, but as it stands now, it doesn’t make much sense.
I envy these three mansions dearly. They're huge things, and they're owned by insanely rich people. They have servants, flower gardens, and all the food they can eat! While we sometimes starve until payday... I wonder what it would look like inside them?
Since you have yet to introduce the mansions, using ‘these’ makes me confused as it comes out of nowhere. Actually, the whole sentence comes out of nowhere with only little to lead into it. I suggest adding a bit more description to the first sentence, maybe to how there are these three gorgeous mansions on the island that are much better than the main character’s small little house. Something like that would soften the topic change.
It's early summer vacation now....Thank God! Now I don't have to hand in homework everyday...I suck at math and science anyhow...Now all I have to worry about is getting the new soldier ps3 game that’s coming out tomorrow! I decided that I would go to bed early and head to the store in the morning...I went to bed around eight in the evening, sleeping in my clothing so I didn't have to worry about getting dressed in the morning. Smart, eh? Yeah, no.
I know your main character highlights how stupid that is above, but for a sixteen-year-old kid, something like that is just dumb. Maybe I don’t have much of a perspective about teenage boys, but is that common? It doesn’t really matter, but it’s something that make me pause. Also, cut down on the ellipses. They should only be used rarely and they’re not really needed in the paragraph above. If you must have ellipses, then never have more than one in the same paragraph unless your character is drugged or something. Lots of ellipses tends to make a paragraph look ‘unprofessional’, though that’s just my opinion.
Was I still dreaming? Or had I gone blind overnight? I was laying on cold metal, instead of my fluffy blankets. My back was stiff from laying on the hard surface for such a long time. I opened my eyes and blinked. It was darkness that greeted me, instead of the bright morning sun I knew too well. What the hell...? I tuned my ears to listen to things around me. Nothing. Crapper.
I have never seen this word used as a swear word before. I’m not sure if it’s common or not, but you might want to consider changing it.
I felt around with my hand, still laying down on the surface I was on. My fingers crept along like the legs of a spider, and they were sensitive to everything they touched. I was reaching to the left of me, and before my arm could go to full length, the legs of the spider grasped a metal bar going vertical from the metal flooring. I was in a cage. I was trapped.
I think you may have taken the metaphor too far. It reads oddly and makes it sound like it sound like a separate entity.
You know what the first thing was that came through my thick skull? I wasn't going to be able to get that new video game. That new game was about kidnappings and assassins... "Oh, irony how you've never failed me" ....Horrified by my discovery, I attempted to stand, only to hit my head hard against metal similar to the one beneath me. "Fuuu-Ouch," I muttered. I rubbed the bump that was already starting to form on my head, and I looked around as best I could. My only light source was that coming from another room, and it was leaking out from underneath a doorframe several metres away.
I began to spread my pale fingers through my short brown hair in frustration. Damn it all... "Where was I? How did I get here?" Questions tumbled down on me like an avalanche. "Who the hell will I have to kill for doing this? Why me?!?"
Don’t overdo exclamation points and question marks like this. Just keep it a simple ‘?!’.
I stopped my hysteria abruptly to hear muffled crying. A girl. She seemed close to me. I swallowed roughly to clear my throat. "Hello?" My voice echoed in the room like wind outside. And like a spell, the girl stopped her whimpering to reply hesitantly, "H-hello?"
The order of the sentence makes it clear that the main character stopped panicking suddenly for no reason at all and then heard the crying. You might want to reword that.
I was almost relieved to hear her reply. Though her voice was unfamiliar, I was glad I wasn't alone in this. "Do you know where we are?" I asked soothingly, nearing closer to where I thought the voice was coming from. My nose touched another metal bar. The girl was separate from my cage. It took a moment for her to reply, and I could hear her sniffles and attempts to calm herself. Why was she so terrified? I was about to find out with two heart-breaking sentences that left her mouth.
Something like this would have been fine if you were writing in third-person, but it just sounds odd in first-person. It makes it seem like he can tell the future.
Before posting your chapter, always make sure to read over it to catch obvious mistakes like spelling and grammar errors. If you need a beta, I suggest you try the site Perfect Imagination, which mostly suggests betas for fanfiction, but also has a section for original fiction. If not there, you can always check out PC’s own beta thread, which is in the Writer’s Lounge.