My short limericks.

Started by Tribal Ebony January 14th, 2011 5:41 AM
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  • 4 replies

Tribal Ebony

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Age 27
Female
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Seen January 11th, 2012
Posted April 18th, 2011
260 posts
13 Years
The sun is shining,
as a bird flies by,
The dolphins jump out of the water,
high,high,high.

As red as the reddest rose,
as clear as the clearest sky,
We belong,
With each other,
It should just be you and I.

I see his face,
my heart racing at a strong pace,
He touches me,
and I begin to see,
he knew that we should be.
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Regeneration

meow

Male
Somewhere I Belong
Seen December 15th, 2016
Posted July 23rd, 2016
1,421 posts
12.5 Years
First off, those aren't limericks.
[jq]A limerick is humorous nonsense verse consisting of a triplet and couplet, making it a five line poem. Lines one, two, and five are the triplet and rhyme. Lines three and four form a rhyming couplet.[/jq]

Example:
[jq]There was an old man of Nantucket,
who kept all his cash in a bucket;
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket- Nantucket
[/jq]
~Poetry Guide

Then, coming on to review the poem itself,
We belong,
With each other,
That would sound better if it was, 'To each other'.

And the way you have ended the poem just doesn't seem to be fine. Looks like a portion of it is cut off; even if it is just for the sake of rhyming.
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
In addition to what Regeneration's review, I have a few points of my own

1: You're imagery is actually pretty good! "As red as the reddest rose, as clear as the clearest sky", the imagery and similes there are good work. Keep that kind of stuff up.

2: I write this on a lot of user's poems on here that try and rhyme, if you're going to rhyme, you have to keep a consistent scheme, not randomly rhyming things all over the place, it takes away from all the things you've done right in the poem, and that sucks!

So I'd say keep up the good work on your imagery, just polish up your rhyming!
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Regeneration

meow

Male
Somewhere I Belong
Seen December 15th, 2016
Posted July 23rd, 2016
1,421 posts
12.5 Years
Oh my... I saw what Scytheteen said, and I am rather surprised at myself for not taking note of the marvelous imagery and simile you've used! So, I'll mention this right now, that was plain amazing. Keep it up!
I felt guilty for not mentioning the positive aspects of the poem, hence this post. :P