My Poem About Lucario! Please Read!

Started by Lucario4Ever! January 17th, 2011 1:07 PM
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  • 7 replies
Male
England
Seen January 18th, 2011
Posted January 18th, 2011
14 posts
12.3 Years
Plzz Do NOT Steal This!

Oh Lucario
Oh Lucario
You Glissen In the Night!
Like Diamonds!
Like Diamonds!
Twinkling So Bright!

Oh Lucario!
Oh Lucario!
Your Face Is A Lovely Sight!
Your Good Looks and Power!
Make You always Win a Fight!

Oh Lucario!
Oh Lucario!
Oh Lucario!
"He isn't gone...His aura is with me".

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
...I'm not sure how I feel about this after that last post and rereading this poem. I mean, at first, I didn't think it made all that much sense that a Lucario (which has fur) would glisten like diamonds, but now that you've mentioned that you have more than a strong liking for the Pokémon, my mind immediately went to the gutter. I'm not sure if you meant that, but.

Beyond that, there's a few distractions here. For one, don't capitalize the first letter of every word. It's really not necessary. On a grammatical level, you only capitalize the first word of a sentence (or line or important word, if you choose in a poem), and on a poetic level, there doesn't seem to be any need to emphasize every single word (which capitalization tends to do).

For another grammatical note, glisten. Yes, it's unusual, but as a poet, it's always a good idea to spell check and proofread. Write your poetry in a word processor (like Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, etc.) before posting to make sure your work is free of spelling errors. This really is more important in poetry than in normal stories because a poet is an artist: not a single letter, character, what-have-you in a poem should be out of place. Everything has a meaning, and if you misspell a word or misplace a punctuation mark, you're implying that there's some kind of meaning behind it that's not obvious.

As for the poem itself, if we dig my mind out of the gutter and take it for face value, it's okay. The beat is nice, and everything flows from one line to the next. I have to admit I like the rhyming scheme (for once). The entire first stanza almost had a musical quality to it.

But beyond that, it almost feels like you're putting words on paper to force the poem to rhyme. For example, if we don't consider dirty connotations, a Lucario glistening like diamonds doesn't quite make sense because, well, Lucario don't glisten. Likewise, maybe its power helps it win a battle (although that's questionable once something with a good Flamethrower comes along), but how do its good looks do the same thing? Point is, don't sacrifice meaning for the sake of getting a poem to rhyme.

Beyond that, it's not bad for a start. Just needs a bit of polishing, really.
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Male
Seen June 15th, 2016
Posted January 26th, 2013
149 posts
13 Years
Hey JX Valentine, I Don't Know Why But I Always Type With a Capital Letter On The First Letter Of Every Word....(Don't Ask Why I haven't Got A Clue) I Don't Do It Intentionally. :(
Hmm... well, try training yourself to not do it like that. Even leave the Pokémon names in lowercase if you have to, like this: "The lucario shot an aura sphere at the pidgey." But practise.

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Hey JX Valentine, I Don't Know Why But I Always Type With a Capital Letter On The First Letter Of Every Word....(Don't Ask Why I haven't Got A Clue) I Don't Do It Intentionally. :(
Going to have to agree with Dragonite on this one. Posting in this writing community is ultimately a learning experience: you and everyone else here aren't expert writers. Reviewers like me are here to help you out and give you advice in order to help you get better. We completely understand that you might not be an expert at this yet, so when we offer up advice, it's usually our way of attempting to teach you what you need to focus on so you can figure things out from there. Likewise, because this is a place for you to learn, it's a good practice to push yourself to improve, even if it means putting a lot more effort into your work than you've already put into it.

To be more specific, I completely understand that you don't mean to do that intentionally. Now that you're aware of that, though, you'll want to work on your writing and force yourself to follow the usual conventions (i.e., avoid capitalizing every word). Do it in your normal posts, too, so you can start training yourself. Reminding yourself of sticking to capitalization rules (or anything else, for that matter) as frequently as every time you make a post will help you get it carved into your brain that you shouldn't capitalize every word in a poem, either.
Professional ninja. May or may not actually be back. Here for the snark and banter at most.

Need some light reading?
Anima Ex Machina (Chapter 20 now available)
The Leaf Green Incident (SWC 2012 winner)
Braid (Creepypasta apparently)
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Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Damn you Jax Malcolm stealing all that I was going to say >:0

But in all seriousness, I have a few more things to add. For instance, the thread title. I know you're new, so I'm going to go easy on you, but don't do what you did. It's just a pet peeve to me when people beg for peers to read their poetry. Try naming you're thread the name of your poem, or a thread dedicated to you're poetry, it's much more pleasing to the eye. And just a side note, you don't need to write DON'T STEAL in all caps before you're poetry, there's a strict plagiarism policy, so you don't have to worry about that.
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