All right, bobandbill already mention the grammar mistakes and some rushed writing problems here, but I’ll try my best to give my thoughts on this story.
First off, I'll have to agree with bobandbill that the structure/length of most sentences seems to be the same and repetitive. Try your best to mix short and long sentences if you can. It takes practice to able to have your sentence be of different lengths. Heck, I still have that problem time to time even after writing for five years because bobandbill beta my fics and he would tell me my sentences are of same length. XD
One thing I feel you could have done better is chose some stronger words in the story. Here’s an example:
The stranger ran faster than ever now, but stumbled every now and then as the ground seemed to be getting....goopy? He found it harder to run, and soon screamed in horror as his feet began to sink into the murky goop that was once gravel.
Hm, goopy sounds less professional and silly in my opinion. Perhaps use something like “mud” or “soft” instead? That way, you still get the idea across (ground changing to something soft) without the sentence sounding silly. I actually noticed you used “goopy” a lot in the story,
In short, which words you use can make a difference. You want your writing to sound as professional as possible . One way to do this is read a loud and determine if some of the words sounded silly in a sentence you’re trying to put some emotion in it. If that’s the case, you’ll have to change a couple words or change the whole sentence altogether. Don’t worry too much trying to get this right the first time. That too I still need to practice, haha.
One other thing I find off is the mention of Ilander only knowing three spells and the descriptions of each one. I feel you could have reveal those three spells gradually in the story and surprise the readers that way instead of “info dumping.”
Okay, now review for Chapter One (that’s been posted so far):
Two days before the end of the world...
I feel that’s too much telling saying “two days before the end of the world” straight out. You could have established the setting here, like for instance describe how the world was peaceful and such two days before.
"QI!!" came a female voice. Qi turned around and saw Ilander, looking pretty as ever. They weren't wearing the drab cloaks at the time, hence Ilander's full beauty was exposed. She had long, blonde hair and sparkling sapphire eyes. Her hot pink top looked good with the navy-violet jeans she was wearing. Around her neck was a crystal necklace, and at the front of it, where the two ends would meet, was a pendant of a pegasus. Her usual smile though was replaced with a serious look, though her eyes twinkled with excitement.
This is one of my pet peeves, so sorry if I went overboard here. XD; I feel you’re give too much bias description of Iander. For instance, “Ilander's full beauty was exposed” and “Her hot pink top looked good with the navy-violet jeans she was wearing.” It’s like you want us to believe Ilander is the most prettiest being ever, which I don’t recommend doing because some readers might think the character is a Mary Sue (Mary Sues are not exactly due to them being very pretty and instead having them get things their way and other stuff, but I won’t explain over that unless you want me to in private). It’s fine if this scene is in the POV of Qi, but so far it’s hard (for me, at least) to tell if you’re doing that.
Apparently, the 'Teardrop Stone' was switched with the psuedo at the Saz Ruins.
I feel that part there seems misplaced in the narration. Maybe have the characters have a short discussion that the Teardrop Stone is somewhere else?
"What are the Saz Ruins?" Kintj had asked, but Ilander 2 kept babbling about the horrific fate they were to meet. When the message finished, Ilander 2 vanished in that same flash of light. The Ilander of that time was in shock. As was Qi, and so was Kintj. None of them spoke a word, all uneasy.
Ilander 2 also sounds unprofessional to me. I recommend coming up with different ways to describe the second Illander, like “clone”, “twin”, etc.
Overall so far, I admit I was totally confused what's going on until bobandbill mentioned about this having some time-traveling stuff going on. I can tell there are some fantasy stuff going on and I haven't read stories of that genre in a while, so this shall be interesting. Also, I love time traveling stories, so I can't wait to see where the rest of the story goes.