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Old February 11th, 2011 (10:34 AM).
Pink Typholsion's Avatar
Pink Typholsion Pink Typholsion is offline
     
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    My Dream to Fly

    Once upon a time was a Pokémon, named Bagon
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
    For he only used moves like Headbutt, and Ember
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
    Shelgon, for a Shelgon, for the Bagon evolved
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
    He hid in caves to sleep all day
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
    He hid in secrets, but for every hour he wished
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
    Shelgon get angry, you'll get a serious Dragon Rage
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly
    For one day the lucky Shelgon evolved, now a Salamence
    His only wish, his only dream, is to fly off a cliff one more time, for every hour and every day

    (more soon)
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      #2    
    Old February 11th, 2011 (11:40 AM).
    TJgamer's Avatar
    TJgamer TJgamer is offline
    A Pokémon Poet
       
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      I like how the story is told. Though I found it slightly repetitive with that one line being used very frequently, but, that may just be me.
      The rhythm is a little imbalanced, but it still works okay, as how the poem is read.
      Overall, you did a fairly good job. Keep it up!

      And you should put this in MeerFall's Pokémon Poetry thread if you want to.
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      Old February 11th, 2011 (7:34 PM).
      bobandbill's Avatar
      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      I will agree with TJgamer that the repeated line felt a bit too, well, repeated. It probably was because imo that it was repeated every line and so took up a whole half of the poem, making it sem too often an occurance compared to the rest which imo did not relate to the repeated line all that much at times - for instance the line 'For he only used moves like Headbutt, and Ember' didn't tell me much on why his only wish was to fly (although it was a neat idea to include facts like that - notably moves it has when you catch it in RSE if memory serves, no? =p). Perhaps adding more in-between the other lines would be something to consider to overcome that problem.
      Quote:
      Shelgon get angry, you'll get a serious Dragon Rage

      For one day the lucky Shelgon evolved, now a Salamence
      These two lines also felt a bit off to me - the 'Shelgon get angry, you'll get..' sounds odd as-is - it would sound better if you expanded the first part but then would not fit into the poem so you might want to rethink that line, and I would suggest removing 'For' as it doesn't add anything to the poem/line, I feel. A neat concept for a poem, I think - it could just use some touching up here and there in my opinion.
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