Royalty

Started by Dulcet February 3rd, 2011 10:21 AM
  • 553 views
  • 4 replies

Dulcet

The epitome of crazy

Age 27
Female
Ethiopia
Seen February 9th, 2011
Posted February 9th, 2011
24 posts
12.3 Years
I'll lift my head once again
Though gravity insists on keeping it down
But oh, how I ache with unbearable pain
Due to this old and rusted crown
Claiming its place atop my skull
A representative of all that I've done
A prison sentence, proof of my lies
A story with no ending, now begun.
If only I had been a braver soul
Courageous enough to admit the truth
Of the loneliness and misery felt
During the time of my youth.
Now come one, come all, and witness this feat
Watch me as I slowly decay
A creature full of lies and deceit
Who will wear this crown for the rest of her days.


Azurne

The Local Trickster

Age 33
Female
Seen August 19th, 2011
Posted August 16th, 2011
78 posts
14.5 Years
I enjoyed this poem a lot, though it does leave a little bit of confusion in some places. I've tried to help smooth it over by makes some suggestions in places, but that's all they are - suggestions. I'm not an expert on poetry. :p
I'll lift my head once again
Though gravity insists on keeping me down
Would it change the meaning if you swapped "me" for "it"? I feel like it would make more sense if you referred back to her head again, so that it ties back into the first line better.
But oh how I ache with unbearable pain
Due to this old and rusted crown
Claiming its place atop of my skull
Personally I would add a comma after "but oh", to make it flow better. A nice little pause would go well there, I think. A period would also fit nicely after "skull" to end the sentence.

Also, I think you can get rid of the word "of" in that last verse. When you use the word "atop", "of" is already implied essentially. Someone else can feel free to correct me here, but I think it just sounds clunky when you have "of" in there.
The story with no ending, now begun.
Again here I think it would sound better of you had "a" instead of "the" story. This particular line sticks out (not in a good way) and since you had a pair of repetitive lines earlier starting with "a", I think it would fit nicely.
If only I had been a braver soul
Courageous enough to admit the truth
Of the loneliness and misery felt
During the time of my youth.
I'm curious to figure out what this means. I gather from the whole poem that this queen (or some other royalty) is burdened with guilt of some sort because she lied when she was younger, but I don't follow how admitting that she felt lonely and miserable when she was younger is connected in any way. I mean it sounds nice, but I'm kinda boggled here. :x

Overall, I loved the pace of the poem and how you ended it. Those last lines were pretty powerful in comparison to the rest of the piece. Good luck on future poems~

Dulcet

The epitome of crazy

Age 27
Female
Ethiopia
Seen February 9th, 2011
Posted February 9th, 2011
24 posts
12.3 Years
Thanks, I'll fix those bits up now

I'm curious to figure out what this means. I gather from the whole poem that this queen (or some other royalty) is burdened with guilt of some sort because she lied when she was younger, but I don't follow how admitting that she felt lonely and miserable when she was younger is connected in any way. I mean it sounds nice, but I'm kinda boggled here. :x
That verse is basically showing what she regrets the most, lying about her true feelings, because in the end if she had told the truth then maybe she wouldn't be where she is today.