A little Valentine haiku

Started by TJgamer February 14th, 2011 1:11 AM
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  • 2 replies

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
Please don't change the font color of any literary piece you write. Sometimes, this might inconvenience a reader. For example, I'll be blunt. Pale pink text on pale background actually (literally) hurt my eyes at first glance, and in attempting to read it, I had to highlight the text. So... yeah. Not to be mean or anything, but please don't mess with font colors.

As for the poem itself, it's a pretty standard haiku. The syllable count's fine, and it was a cute little message. My only word of advice here (besides don't change the font color) is that you'll want to remember that haiku is all about saying a lot in a little space. You only get a few words, so you'll want to evoke as much emotion in a reader as possible. (Traditional haiku typically focuses on describing a particular image in detail to poke the reader's senses into synching with their imaginations, if that makes sense.)

Likewise for this. I feel like you could have said a lot more (maybe described what it felt like to be in love), but you stuck with just the order to love and cherish our partners. As a result, it didn't quite engage me as much because I just didn't feel too connected to what you were saying. Or, put even more simply, it felt like the speaker was removed from the emotion – like they were observing someone instead of actually being the one in love.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense here because it's pretty late, but I guess what I'm saying is I'll agree that it's a cute haiku with a pretty important message. It just needs a bit more emotional spark.
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