The tored world

Started by MeerFall February 17th, 2011 8:53 AM
  • 1055 views
  • 9 replies

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

Female
Just in the UK
Seen May 30th, 2014
Posted May 30th, 2014
254 posts
12.4 Years
ok this is my peom thread for just regular peoms
if you comment please can you say what theme you think it is!

ok here is 'the torned world' my first ever peom that i made!


Sun sets,
For a bet,
Stars appear,
From the rear,
The Moon glows,
As the night grows,
Humans stand,
Across their land,

In the breeze,
The humans freeze,
There something stares,
At a million glares,
Body cold,
Hair shines like gold,
Striped red,
Eyes as dull as lead,

It is weak,
As it leaks,
Across it face,
At its own pace,
Something was strange,
As their stares exchange,
It wasn’t insane,
It was in pain,

As time pass,
The stares didn’t last,
A boy that was told,
He would become cold,
Picked a random stone,
And thrown it alone,
Followed by mankind,
What was going though their mind?

It suffering became big,
Just by a kid,
The humans kept going,
They started towing,
It struggled to become free,
Yet it had no key,
Years passed by,
The question is why?

It makes no sound,
As it lay on its mound,
Yet it doesn’t leak,
As it takes a peak,
At the night sky,
With a sigh,
It eyes glisten,
As no one will listen,

A man comes near it,
Near it he sits,
His eyes were clear,
All but a tear,
He was sad,
Yet bad,
He looked in its eyes,
With a heart full of lies,

He held something man-made,
It turned afraid,
He brought up his gun,
It wanted to run,
But has nowhere to go,
Just like years ago,
Now here because of a boy,
Who wanted a toy,

“I’m so sorry” Said the man,
He had a slight tan,
It struggled to its feet,
The man got of his seat,
At the guns mouth,
It looks towards south,
Straight at the weapon,
With its heart weaken,

His heart weighted a pound,
As there was no sound,
It did not weep,
Its life was not to keep,
It was in fright,
But it was alright,
It cannot cope,
As it has no hope,

He cried with sadness,
“This is madness”,
He threw down his gun,
And said “run”,
He knelt to the floor,
Pointing towards the door,
“Go and be free”,
“Don’t worry about me”,

He opened the door,
There was a moor,
Its heart torn,
As it saw the lawn,
With its eyes still keen,
It ran out across the green,
Its eyes full of hope,
It couldn’t care less if it can cope,

When it arrived at its land,
Its hair was to the colour of sand,
Its eyes no longer lit up,
And became as big as a pup,
There was its house,
Now no bigger than a mouse,
And a grown boy,
Who never got his toy,

What you will hear next,
Should only be in text,
As it will hurt,
You will be alert,
You may need tissues,
Especially if you have issues,
Just using a tool,
Humans can be cruel,

The grown boy used a knife,
And took its life,
This scaring you is a might,
Over it’s both eyes from left to right,
Lay two scars,
As the grown boy left by car,
And gave a mighty laugh,
Leaving it on the path,

What you don’t realise,
Is that life is not a prize,
A mist covers human eyes,
And the human heart dies,
The human mouth lies,
Without any tries,
The minute humans were born,
Was the time the world got torn,

It meant no harm,
It was no longer calm,
Its mind could not stop,
Blood went drop by drop,
When mankind was the cause,
As its mouth was on pause,
Its eyes cry,
As it must lie,

You though it was a beast,
It wasn’t that at the least,
Its hair was striped by blood,
It wouldn’t wash it out if it could,
Its eyes had no colour,
By its life and others,
Its life worsen,
As it was loved by no person,

In fact it is a human,
Itself and other thought ‘inhuman’,
As it eyes see the truth,
But did not have any proof,
It bled from its heart,
Hit by god’s dart,
Live a life of lies,
And suffer when it dies.

edit: i realized it is pretty long :( sorry
The picture says it all!
Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
For being your very first poem, it isn't that bad.
Well, okay, it's not that good, but still interesting. The structure and rhyming aren't too well done, but the concept is downright mysterious and grievous.
And yeah, it's a bit long, but there's no problem with that.
Do you remember when you wrote this? That would help things a bit.

What is its theme?
...It's hard to tell.
But my best answer would probably be, Evilness? Of mankind?

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

Female
Just in the UK
Seen May 30th, 2014
Posted May 30th, 2014
254 posts
12.4 Years
For being your very first poem, it isn't that bad.
Well, okay, it's not that good, but still interesting. The structure and rhyming aren't too well done, but the concept is downright mysterious and grievous.
And yeah, it's a bit long, but there's no problem with that.
Do you remember when you wrote this? That would help things a bit.

What is its theme?
...It's hard to tell.
But my best answer would probably be, Evilness? Of mankind?

it was a while ago i can't rember
what do you mean by stucture?

well i don't know its theme
my english teacher mrs summer thought it was based on a global warming sort of thing... but this is why i was asking you! because it differs from person to person! i thought (well i don't follow themes) it was a horror/evil humans sort of thing...

but i can tell you one thing though the name of the peom was chosen by an conections person :D
The picture says it all!
Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
Structure, in my words at least, is the layout of the poem.
Like the first line has this number of words and syllables.
The second line has another number of words and syllables.
And so on and so forth.
It's also how many lines there are in each stanza. And the pattern of lines, syllables, and stanzas too.

...Get my point?

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

Female
Just in the UK
Seen May 30th, 2014
Posted May 30th, 2014
254 posts
12.4 Years
this one is called

Pest

As big Ben chimes,
The world’s many little minds,
Fall asleep,
But others have a peep,
At the twinkling sky,
And wish with a sigh,
But one does not,
Instead cries a lot,

Known as a pest,
The child’s hair is a mess,
Clothes black and torn,
Shoe are terribly worn,
Eyes wet with tears,
And Full with fears,
Smile stays straight,
From what used to be a saint,

The child had a family once,
Oh what pleasance,
A family of four,
But then it tore,
Daddy died,
Mummy lied,
Sibling hated,
So the family separated,

The child was ignored,
Then lured,
By the Hope there was a god,
Then the child became odd,
Smiled everywhere,
Then the smile turned rare,
Something hides,
Something dies,

The child didn’t cry,
Just lie,
Never eats,
Never sleeps,
Stays away from everybody,
Stays close to anybody,
The glint of hope,
The heart can’t cope,

The question is can the child cope,
Can the child be given hope?
Can the child’s eyes light,
And see the daylight?
Can the child smile?
Just for a little while.
The picture says it all!
Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
This poem is a pure heartbreaker.
The whole idea of departure is so sorrowful.

You seem to have a thing for half-rhymes. And you do pretty well with them.
I also loved how you mentioned "the hope there is a god", for that is a step closer to great happiness.

In simple words, the rhythm and rhymes are not perfect, but the concept is just...wonderful!

Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
I agree that the concept is heartbreaking. I can feel the child's pain. I can feel the pity and worry in the poem's voice. The emotions conveyed in this poem are very powerful. Great job!

The only corrections I have are capitalize the B in Big Ben and that you used "cope" two lines in a row.


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MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

Female
Just in the UK
Seen May 30th, 2014
Posted May 30th, 2014
254 posts
12.4 Years
This ones called when light turns into darkness

If you see the light,
Your eyes become bright,
You skin will glow,
Your smile will grow,
You will feel happy and more,
You won’t feel sore,
You will fly,
What a relief that you will sigh,

But that is when you enter danger,
This danger is a major!
You must survive,
And stay alive,
To believe that light,
And stay bright,
To feel happy and more,
And not feel sore,

You must run,
There is no more sun,
The land becomes cracked,
Because of what it didn’t lacked,
The clouds turn black,
And starts to attack,
The lightning strikes,
As sharp as a spike,

The light becomes dark,
Your eyes the darkness marks,
Your skin will darken with scars,
Your smile has gone far,
You will feel sad and more,
And always sore,
You shall never fly,
But you will always try,

Stuck at the heart of darkness,
You are harmless,
But you will hurt others,
Because you suffer by another,
You will feel dark,
At nights you lark,
And tell people of your sadness,
When light turns into darkness.
The picture says it all!
Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
This brings to mind the idea of depression. It's absolutely dreadful, and it can do great harm.
You did do pretty well with the rhymes. Though I found a few a tad repetitive.
And also remember that rhythm is important too in most kinds of poetry. It keeps the poem flowing in a smooth manner.

Like I said though, the concept is pretty neat. And it really does remind you of that terrible feeling.