Rai's Poems

Started by Rai February 17th, 2011 5:53 PM
  • 1526 views
  • 15 replies

Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
So upon my return to pokemon community, I have discovered that there is a poetry thread :3 And while I was away poetry has become a pastime of mine so the timing is perfect! I guess I will post a few poems at a time. I love feedback so comments, concerns, and critique are very welcome! :3 Enjoy~

Spoiler:


Conspiracy Theory

Ever-watching, the clouds' silver eye,

The moon shone through a clear blue sky

I need time to myself, I dodge its gaze

Entering a lovely, self-induced daze

I arrive safely inside, emotions overflowing

Then I see the glass-eye, always glowing

I turn the lights on and still it stares

I cannot compete with its lightened glare

Under the blanket I go, away from it all

But their fingers creep in with streaked golden gall

There is nothing I can do, but close my eyes

And hide from my enemies in disguise


Guardians

Many a time, I have seen
The crows’ nest on the horizon,
Beautiful and deathly.
The crows, too black even for stars,
Sore against the sky,
Dreamy like light between fence posts,
But on point and ready
To deliver their message to
Those who have traveled and found
Their dark paradise opposite the sea




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Age 29
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Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
Conspiracy Theory - This is one of those poems that is pretty hard to find any flaws. The rhythm, style, and rhyming are all very grand. It has a strange blend of a metaphor and of a survival story, or something like that.
The only thing that boggles my mind is "But their fingers creep in with streaked golden gall." That...didn't seem to sound right to me. I don't know.
But in simple words, you did a super job!

Guardians - Not quite as good as your previous one. But still very remarkable.
The description of the crows and their actions are detailed beautifully. The rhythm is a bit off. But if it was a free-verse poem you were writing, I'll let it slide.
Good job! And keep going!

SeleneHime

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll take both just to be sure.

Age 28
Female
Somewhere in my mind ...
Seen January 28th, 2018
Posted November 18th, 2017
124 posts
12.3 Years
Both are lovely poems, Rai. "Conspiracy Theory" in particular is powerful, even if it seems the perspective in question is confused. There isn't much I can critique on this poem. Wonderful job. ^_^

"Guardians" is an interesting poem, though. TJgamer more or less said what I could, though there is a typo in your poem. 'Sore' in the fifth line, which I'd presume is supposed to be "soar". I did enjoy this one as well, however. I'll be looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
Thank you guys so much! I really appreciate the feedback :3 I mean, really appreciate it! This is the best critique I've ever gotten.

I actually said "sore" on purpose. It's supposed to have a double meaning. Just imagine black images soaring against a colorful sunset; it would ruin the view. I dunno if that makes sense?


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Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
So here are two more poems by me. The first one isn't supposed to be a poetic masterpiece; I'm simply trying to convey a message. The second poem is a Carpe Diem poem which translates to "Seize The Day" if you didn't know :3 I'm afraid that the poem may go a little too fast... but that may be a good thing considering its message

Spoiler:


Faceless Ballerina

You tell me what to wear,
What to do, what to feel.
Perfection is your standards, not mine.
The audience only sees what
Is performed on stage, not inside.
But that’s okay.
We all end up dancing in the end,
Whether we want to or not.

Anyone Can Die Young

Come with me,
Before the calendar runs out.

I do not fear the horsemen,
Only the passing of days, months and years.

Dusted with the souls of ghost children,
A thousand charred hands reach out, screaming.

They cannot touch us, for they are old and trapped;
Unlike us, who are away from home,

Running from Time, from Purgatory
(Toward a better place?)

As long as we're free, we’re alive.
The stars mean nothing to us-
They are ours to interpret.

On this journey, I bleached your heart black
And washed mine with salt- our love has grown,

Like the vines that reach down toward refreshment
In the cool breezes of summertime

Our souls will continue to beat as one until the sun sings its farewell
Or at least until our lives end sometime very soon.


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Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
14.7 Years
Zdrast vwee tye, moĭ klient.

I admit that, while I do write (and read) poetry for its aesthetic value, I rarely critique it unless the underlying theme is evident or if it really touches me on a personal level. Quite frankly, it’s because I fail at picking apart the more intricate and subtle aspects of the poetic style, otherwise known as not being perceptive towards poetry. Regardless, I’ve decided to do a review of poetry anyway, to test how far I can actually go when it comes to poetry reviewing. Mind you, this may be the first poetry review I’ve done on PC (Maybe because I’m not sure if I’ve done one before), but done let that discourage you from reading the critique anyway.

Faceless Ballerina

The minute I read this, I was thinking Black Swan, but I haven’t seen it, so I can’t comment on the movie or how it may relate to the poem. What I can comment about it is how well the message is presented. I enjoyed the piece as I was looking through the eyes of the performer, and throughout, I was wondering if it may be considered an allegory for the human social condition or if I was reading too much into this critiquing business. In any case, I’ll be basing my review around that abstract and possibly extraneous perspective because I’m of the persuasion that artists tend to subtly insert references to the real world subconsciously, hence my interest in the realm of critiquing.

To begin with, I quite liked how the first two lines of the poem may be a reference to social constraints and how nicely you juxtapose this with the three lines on individuality. It’s really a shame that humans have to conform to these false social standards which repress creative thought, though without them I’d call the system anarchic at best. Again, this is what I meant by reading too much into that particular view, but I digress. The final two lines, confused me, to say the least, since I couldn’t relate how the audience would actually literally dance with the dancers, but, if I applied the aforementioned view, I’d see it as a reference to death in this allegorical work of yours. Subtle, didn’t really fit with the theme of actors on a stage, but effective nonetheless, so I commend you on that.

At any rate, that concludes my review. I might come back to do more reviews, but this will suffice for now because I’m not sure if I’m overdoing the poetry critique business. Tell me if I’m reading too much into it.
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Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
You didn't read into too much. You got it exactly right! :D You explained the message I was trying to convey perfectly. I think you explained it better than I could have and it's my poem!

I myself am a ballerina and that is what gave me the idea for this poem. It's been floating around in my head for a while. Seeing Black Poem was my inspiration to actually write the poem down. So in a way, Black Swan did effect this poem.

The last two lines aren't referring to the audience psychically dancing. By "dancing" I mean following your fate. That no matter what you do, in the end you end up falling victim to your destiny. That is what the last two lines are saying.

I absolutely loved your review. It's the best (and most) feedback I've ever gotten from one person. Come back as often as you'd like and get into much detail as you want :3 Thanks again!


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Age 29
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Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
Faceless Balerina - It isn't very powerful, but it still has a sweet taste to it. A short, but pleasant, free-verse poem.

Anyone Can Die Young - I love it's message. Sort of like Opportunity, it shows that there's so much we can accomplish while we are still living this earthly life.
In addition, it also has such a mysterious theme with the words and terms used.
It's pattern was very pleasant too.

Great job!

Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
Thank you TJ :3 I'm so glad you feel that way about Anyone Can Die Young. I worked really hard to make it seem mysterious (because you'll never know where life will take you) and to make it flow well. Thanks again~


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Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
This next is actually a religious poem. I am Pagan and this poem describes when I celebrated Imbolc a few weeks ago. Imbolc is the day when the first signs of spring become noticeable and to me this is very holy. Let me know what you think!

Brighid's Path
Spoiler:
I follow an icy ribbon of water, hidden by trees.
Foggy sunshine extracts no shimmer from the choked stream.
White snakes up the sides of oaks, clinging to their bark, as if frightened to fall.
Walking further along, the water thins out into nothing but a tricking whisper
Among fallen leaves and snow.

Looking up, I notice tiny buds sprouting from the seemingly naked branches.
The winds blows, bringing the celebratory songs of birds to my ears.
Continuing on, the woods slowly disappearing behind me, I see my destination;
Like a giant X the crossroads mark the spot.

I sit down in the center of the connected paths and my close my eyes.
Breathing in, I feel the grass working its way through the frozen soil.
Exhaling, I feel the milk of life warm the Earth, my soul.
I let the love of spring fill my veins with peace and purpose.
When I open my eyes, I feel as pure and as humble as a newborn lamb.
The Goddess smiles.


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Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
Hmm, no one has posted in this for a while so I am guess I am just going to post another one of my poems. This poem does not have a name yet, maybe you guys could help me think of one.

Spoiler:
Hot springs humming
Volcanoes murmuring
Teapots screaming
Smokestacks roaring

If I were steam

I could moisten moss-covered stones
That bask in the shade of woodland trees.

I could pass through anything I want,
Mocking them with tear-shaped kisses.

I could send premonitions down chilled skin,
Moving diagonally across shaded dusk,
Climbing higher and higher to dissolve

into

lovely

nothingness.


Pokemon Go Dex: 84
ORAS National Dex: 552

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Rai

Quarter Life Crisis! @[email protected]

Age 31
Female
Sinnoh
Seen January 4th, 2017
Posted January 4th, 2017
4,521 posts
18.1 Years
Thanks :3 I recently noticed how much we rely on steam so I decided to write a poem about it. I'm glad you saw the personality, I was aiming for that. And lol I can't think of a name either. Thanks again!

Any opinion on the other poem?


Pokemon Go Dex: 84
ORAS National Dex: 552

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