Unforgotten

Started by SamuraiMaster February 21st, 2011 7:18 PM
  • 640 views
  • 3 replies

SamuraiMaster

and his son, Layne (Buizel).

Age 32
Male
Colorado
Seen December 16th, 2013
Posted July 25th, 2011
727 posts
14.7 Years
I wrote this when I was in a sorta sh*t mood last night. I think it's kinda stupid, but I'll let you make your own opinion about it.

Remember me when you walk through the streets
When life is good or is packing the heat
Every time you taste something that's sweet
Remember me...

Remember her when you walk down the aisle
She'll never forget it, when she sees you smile
Though the life with her will be a trial
Remember her...

Remember him when he goes off to war
Though we may never know exactly what he fights for
From the day we shake hands, until he walks out the door
Remember him...

Remember them when they help you up
The day you drink with them from your crystal cup
Though your meet with them may seem abrupt
Remember them...

Remember us when we go a separate way
When duty calls and we can no longer stay
Whether we see each other again, well who can say?
Remember us...

Never forget as you live through your life
On the streets of pain or on a shelf of strife
Promise me one thing as you face the tide
Never forget who you are inside

Yeah, I still think it's not that good.
My Buizel is not amused with your foolishness.

Mystery Dungeon: Through the Never
I'd appreciate any reviews on my fic.

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
14.7 Years
Ahoj

For the month of February, my review for your piece of creative writing has been preceded with a word from the Czech language. Feel free to be proud, annoyed, or confused by my intent, as I don’t really give two cents about what other people think about my peculiarities.

With that said, on to the actual review on this piece of fiction so succinctly termed poetry. The message told within the poem, I felt, was a refreshing view at appreciating life and relationships to the fullest with some scattered, though effective, references towards their transient natures. There’s also the constant allusion towards life not being easy and that we’re basically just bearing with this gift of life the best we can without complaint. Juxtaposed with your messages on appreciation, it makes for a good balance, and allows your poem to not only tell people to appreciate life better, it also avoids from coming off too cheery, which I find to be a bit nauseating at times, hence my love of realism.

I have to say, though, there was one line in the poem which I found hard to understand. It may have been a metaphor, but that would seem out of place seeing as most of your poem tens to focus on life-events as opposed to allusions. With my limited knowledge of Christianity, I’m thinking it has something to do with baptism, but I’m just taking a wild guess here.

Still, quite a nice poem, and I look forward to seeing any more of your work if you have any.
» Fiction «
Havisham
SWC 2011
» Fanfiction «
The Rainbow Chasers
SWC 2016 (1st Place)
——
The Promise I Made to You
SWC 2012 (2nd Place)
——
The Best
Pokecreepypasta Entry 2010
——
Using Firefox and see a scrollbar?
Tell me so I can fix it! (Hopefully)
» TBD «

Want a fanfic review?
Just ask me!

Got a review from me?
Pay it forward!
Drop a comment or a review on someone else's fic. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!

SamuraiMaster

and his son, Layne (Buizel).

Age 32
Male
Colorado
Seen December 16th, 2013
Posted July 25th, 2011
727 posts
14.7 Years
I am probably just being over-critical of myself as I normally am. I think it's kinda cheesy, but the fact that two people like it, is enough to satisfy me for the moment I gess.

And as the the Baptism thing? I'm not sure I know what line you're talking about. I think you're referring to the crystal cup, and to be honest, that was one of the harder lines to write. I've tried to think of a better line, but crystal cup is basically you drinking wine or something.

I think myself as Christian, but baptism wasn't on my mind when I wrote this.
My Buizel is not amused with your foolishness.

Mystery Dungeon: Through the Never
I'd appreciate any reviews on my fic.