Poetry? Poetry.

Started by Ash_Ketchum123 March 20th, 2011 3:54 AM
  • 685 views
  • 2 replies

Ash_Ketchum123

That one guy

Male
Celadon, Kanto
Seen May 9th, 2015
Posted April 26th, 2015
290 posts
12.8 Years
Hey, hey, hey. I'm a roleplayer who accidentally clicked the wrong section and ended up on the fanfic ones. I'm really fond of reading poems so I figured, why not make up my own? So, yeah. I may be not that good yet, so please criticize my works accordingly ^^

Here is one I made right on the spot. Hope you guys like it xD

The Cloned Creature
One fateful night, on the island of Cinnabar
A group of scientists cloned a creature from afar
But the DNA they used was not enough for their experiment
So one of them offered his own, in spite of his predicament

And so they moved on with the plot they were about to do
They were getting ready for anything, even if this day they will rue
Everyone stepped back as the experts started the contraption
The machine started spinning, as the creature inside started its formation

All in the room tried to hold in their excitement
When they thought that everything they were using were in securement
Little did they know that something was about to go wrong
Something that will jeopardize all in the throng

The contraption sparked and let out thick smoke
An intern was said to have given one of the machines a big poke
And everything else went haywire, there was nothing they could do
So most of them ran away, but some of them stayed put

Out of the destroyed machine stepped a creature of immense power
It floated towards the scientists, and the scientists started to cower
It stared at the petty humans, shivering before him
Their eyes filled with fear, and sorrow, and grim

Then the creature raised its hand and out came a psychic ball
It raised it even higher and threw it at the wall
It flew out and about, into the serene night
It flew really fast, and in a flash, it was out of sight

As time passed by, only few had seen the cloned
They even had a name for it, based on the original's name they have honed
But the man who lived to tell the story of this incident,
Called it "The Cloned Creature," in spite of his predicament




Yes. I know. It's bad. I kind of rushed the last parts since I had no time left :P




I've been longing for...
daisies to push through the floor
And I wish plant life would grow all around me
So I won't feel dead anymore



OWLsee you around
Roleplayer







Regeneration

meow

Male
Somewhere I Belong
Seen December 15th, 2016
Posted July 23rd, 2016
1,421 posts
12.5 Years
Oh my! A poem lying here for three days not reviewed by TJgamer yet? o_O; I'll get to it anyway. It's going to be short because I've got to study for my exams! :p

One of the major problems with this poem is the long sentences you've formed. Not only do they sound unnatural, but also lack rhythm and meter. The grammar seems fine to me, but you'll need to work on rhythm. I know that you've rushed this poem, but I'd suggest that you take your time to write with a calm mind. Other than that, I like the descriptions but I suggest you don't put them in such a straightforward manner. Try playing with words; reorganising the sentences and letting them have a natural poetic feel to it.

I highly recommend that you read our Poetry Guide as well. It's to the point and would be really helpful for beginners.
Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
*slaps himself*
How the crud did I miss this?
Well, anyway, I'm here now. And I personally like this one. Its retelling of Mewtwo's origin was interesting. Now granted, it does show a bit that you rushed. Seeing that the layout is a bit uneven and a couple lines don't rhyme very well.
But for a beginner, I give it a thumbs up.
Keep on writin' and learnin'!