No Matter How It Ends

Started by Angel Tabitha December 10th, 2004 6:15 PM
  • 1020 views
  • 28 replies
Age 32
Seen July 5th, 2007
Posted April 6th, 2005
944 posts
18.5 Years
Well I just wrote this and it's a tad sad.Sorry if it upsets someone or anything like that.

No Matter How It Ends

No matter how we do this,
No matter how it ends,
I can no longer call you my friend,
A friend is someone whom I can trust,
And I'm afraid that I can't trust you.

Pains and sorrows,
Joys and good times,
All of it is now left behind,
Lost but not forgotten,
Our friendship dies,
Even if it is only in my eyes.

We now shall part ways,
I refuse to shed a tear,
Tears only deepen my weaknesses and fears,
One day far off,
When we pass each other by,
I doubt I'll talk to you,
But you will still catch my eye.

Friends then lovers,
Broken apart now,
It didn't matter how we ended it,
And you know,
I can no longer call you my friend.
Seen March 30th, 2005
Posted March 11th, 2005
1,912 posts
18.6 Years
Awwwwws, it's so sad! ;-; I did feel the theme of the poem, which is good. I feel that you can maybe fix up some of the stanzas, just to make it a little less choppy. But, you don't have to take my advise. XD I think it's a wonderful poem, nice work, Angel. ^_^

~Kelsey
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Now officially moving to a new name, with Steve's OK, I shall now be known as Mori Seirei. ^.~

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
It needs major work, even from a free-verse standpoint. Poetry is very emotional, yes, but there's also a technical aspect. The outpouring of emotion is simply the first step, I typically spend at LEAST three to four hours revising my stuff before I even THINK of finalizing it. Every word in a poem must be carefully chosen for how it relates to the rest of the poem as a whole. A single misplaced word can ruin the effect. Revise it, add a less-typical sentence structure, try to aadd a bit of rhythm. It has a lot of potential and I'd like to see it get there.

This isn't to say it's horrible, though. It's very emotionally touching, it just needs better presentation.

2/5
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
Oh, I'm not trying to insult it or you by any means. If you want some help, I'd be more than willing. I'd like to help you improve as a poet.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
Really. I may be a bit anal about rhyme and rhythm, but I'd love to help.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
It seemed like you had a friend and you aren't friends anymore, it becomes obvious to the reader after reading just once, which is always a good sign and I overall enjoyed reading it.

Like it was said earlier, a few stanza's could use a bit of work (just the 2nd and last), but don't take comments like this too seriously that it offends you, we're just trying to help out ^^.
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Age 29
Non-binary
New South Wales, Australia
Seen December 3rd, 2022
Posted October 5th, 2016
14,976 posts
18.7 Years
Oh... so... nice! It hits me... hard. Oh! [irl and online it means something to me]

nice job!

~DP
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あの交差点で皆がもしスキップをして もしあの町の真中でてを繋いで空を見上げたら
Age 32
A place
Seen July 12th, 2005
Posted June 6th, 2005
494 posts
18.4 Years
That poem is really great..All of it (except the last stanza thingie) applies to my ex-best friend and me. My boyfriend cheated on me with her and she did it out of spite because she couldn't get a boyfriend so she had to steal mine..But enough of my rambling. This is supposed to be a critique. XD Back to critiquing.
I think this is a really great poem; it sounds like you wrote it when you were feeling extremely sad or angry or a mixture of the two..I find it's always easier to write poems when your emotions are at a high >.> But I really like this poem..keep writing ^.^



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Age 32
Seen July 5th, 2007
Posted April 6th, 2005
944 posts
18.5 Years
That poem is really great..All of it (except the last stanza thingie) applies to my ex-best friend and me. My boyfriend cheated on me with her and she did it out of spite because she couldn't get a boyfriend so she had to steal mine..But enough of my rambling. This is supposed to be a critique. XD Back to critiquing.
I think this is a really great poem; it sounds like you wrote it when you were feeling extremely sad or angry or a mixture of the two..I find it's always easier to write poems when your emotions are at a high >.> But I really like this poem..keep writing ^.^
Thanks Kitsune.