auraginx's scribblings

Started by auraginx March 23rd, 2011 2:49 PM
  • 633 views
  • 2 replies
Age 30
Male
Iglootium
Seen December 31st, 2013
Posted December 30th, 2013
27 posts
12.2 Years
been writing as a hobby for a while now. for now i will post some of my older stuff with dates (d/m/y). i can do one a day until my current compilation is exhausted, then i will proceed with new stuff.

to get started, one of my favorites:

they'll leave him
92909

they'll leave him,
oh, they'll leave him.
as temperatures drop
and the air grows thin
northern currents come flowing in.
they loosen their grips,
and their colors turn.
on an evening quaint;
the sun above the horizon line
seeming to stretch across the sky,
they say their goodbyes
as they leave.
they lose their grip
and their colors burn-
and gracefully they dance
in a free-fall; twisting and turning,
swooping and swaying
until they land in the distance
and waltz away.


it's a poem i wrote about fall, if you hadn't guessed.

oh, and don't hesitate to criticize, rate, comment etc! just try to enjoy it and take something from it, that's what i ask.
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Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
It's a good poem. Not too great, but, still good.
Remember to capitalize and add puncuation. They make the poem more neat.
Also the rhyming pattern is kinda off. If you know what I mean.
On the bright side, it had a good concept and personification.
Keep practicing, and you'll do great!

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Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
TJ, I don't really think there was meant to be a rhyme scheme. It just looks like coincidence that some of the first few sounded similar. And it seems to me too that the lack of capitalisation was a stylistic choice rather than an error, am I right? Because to me, the poem seems to flow better that way, as if it's all one big long sentence.

I think this is a good poem, yes. However, rather than evoking images of autumn and the things generally associated with that (red leaves, orange leaves, yellow leaves) I get more of a feeling of how those leaves move. The sense of motion in the poem is nicely done, and what it lacks in imagery, it makes up for somewhat in that manner. The language is fresh and descriptive without being overly wordy, but it could use a little more . . . emphasis.

A poem, I feel, should appeal to as many of the senses as possible. Some focus on one more than the others, but that tends to be either sound or sight. What I'm getting from you is lots of tactile description, but very little in the way of images and sounds, smells and tastes. (This comes back to what I said about how it flows; the poem reads like one of those 'northern currents' you mentioned) If I read a poem about autumn, I want to see and hear the things that make autumn real and tangible: the way those fallen leaves glisten with dew in their myriad shades in the morning; the heady smell of storms in the air; the crisp, sharp crackling noise the leaves make underfoot. It's like drawing a picture, and what you've got here is a pencil sketch. You have the bare bones of it, and it's good, but there's so much more you can do!
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