WillPowerPedro's Cinquains

Started by WillPowerPedro March 24th, 2011 1:11 PM
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  • 2 replies

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
OK, this . . . you follow the basic Crapsey cinquain scheme, yes (2-4-6-8-2) but beyond that, I'm not really sure if we can call this a cinquain. Firstly, if you're such a fan, I should think you could spell Michael's name right. >_>

Aside from that, this poem doesn't really seem to go anywhere. I can tell it's intended as a tribute, but it doesn't provoke any powerful feelings in me - it doesn't give me a clear picture of how the narrator feels, and nor does it move me in any particular way. Michael Jackson was a legend, and I respect him greatly - but these are my feelings. When I read your poem, I want to see your feelings coming through.

This poem somewhat fails technically as well. Your lines are made up of bizarre sentence fragments, crammed awkwardly together in order to fit within the syllable limit. It feels rushed, as if you just wrote down the first 22 syllables that popped into your head and posted it like that. I'm not getting an impression of any great effort expended on this poem. I'm sorry.
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Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
I'm sorry to say, but I'm with Misheard Whipser here.
I can see you were making a poem in respect of a great musician. But, there doesn't seem to be much effort in it. There isn't much power in it either. Unless you knew MJ very well, I don't think this will pump up anyone's emotions.
I understand that you may be inexperienced. So just keep trying, and you will improve.