Pokémon Brifo

Started by Hybrid Trainer April 7th, 2011 3:41 PM
  • 663 views
  • 2 replies

Hybrid Trainer

Age 28
Him/Them
«UK»
Seen 4 Weeks Ago
Posted January 27th, 2022
2,096 posts
14.5 Years
The story of Eric Brifo, a young run away and his travels through the sinnoh region.

Rating: 15+ (this may be lowered, i just want to give myself room to work)

Oh, and just a quick note. This is my first ever FanFic so CC is asked for but please don't be to harsh. Thanks.

Chapter 1
Spoiler:

"OK, I've only got one shot at this" Eric whispered to himself as he lined himself up against the door. Letting out a deep sigh he began his countdown.
"3-2-1, NOW!"
His bedroom door burst open smashing against the outer wall he bolted for the front door. Adrenaline filling his body he collided with the front door hearing the roar of the predator behind him. He sped down the untrimmed path and past the box labeled 'Sledger' and then flying over the broken gate.
After what seemed like an eternity he finally felt the rush of freedom embrace his very soul once more numbing the pain of all those years of neglect.

Eric ran until the weight of his bag drained him of what little energy he had.
"This should be far enough for now" he confirmed as he gasped for air "I doubt if that fat oaf will be able to see see that far let alone run it" he said with a sly giggle.
Dropping his bag in exhaustion he pulled out a small bottle of water and quickly drained its content. Looking sharply for the next place to go worrying if he was on his tracks. Suddenly a rustling emitted from the bushes behind him. The bottle hit the floor with an empty thud.
"He couldn't have caught up could he?" Eric thought to himself fearing the worse. "He's not built for that sort of speed."
His body tensed up as he turned around, expecting to be met by the pain he's endured for the past ten years. But he wasn't. Letting out a sigh of relief he was greeted by a young man around the same age cycling towards him, followed closely by a small brown pokémon scuttling along behind him. He gave Eric a polite wave as he zoomed past and Eric returned the gesture, a forced smile plastered to his face.
A brief encounter with the real world triggered a thousand questions to rush through his mind. 'Why does he get the good life?', 'What makes him so different?, 'Whats he done to deserve such a devoted pokémon?' But the question that bugged him most was this, 'How am i suppose to survive without a pokémon?'
"I won't be able to catch one." Eric contemplated to himself quietly, taking a seat on a nearby fence pole. "I certainly won't be able to befriend one." He said doubting himself.
Feeling a wave of pre-guilt he rose from his seat and said "That only leaves one option."
Reluctantly he set off, following the set of tiny footprints and tire track on the ground.
After making his was through what felt an acre of trees he arrived at a small clearing. Eric could hear the laughter of a teenager radiating from the small patch of emptiness. Pulling a small branch aside he could see the golden blond hair that coated the back of the boys head gleaming in the sunlight.
"Look at him" Eric squeaked to himself.
"How could i steal from him, he loves that thing so much"
He knew what he had to do, and these thoughts were only making it worse.
"I love you so much" the boy said as he picked up the small brown creature.
"After this we'll go to the pokémart and get you a brand new pokéball to replace that old one we threw out before. And then we can carry on training so we can become big and strong just like Cathrine and her pokémon."
"Toooooeeee" The pokémon pured in excitement.
"But first off, i need to have a P double E" The boy said, giggling at his choice of words.
"You stay here and watch my bike, K" He commanded as he walked in the opposite direction, not even looking back.
"Right" Eric said "It's now or never."
"It's his own fault for leaving it on it's own, not to mention not having a pokéball for it." he said trying to justify his actions.
Feeling the same buzz from when he escaped that house he sprung from the bushed knowing full well if he got caught now it would be game over.


Questions will be answered in the next instalment ;D
Age 36
Seen 17 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Hi there! Hope you don't mind me reviewing your story.

First off, let's start with the basics: grammar. I could tell right away from the first sentence of this that you'll need some advice with that.

"OK, I've only got one shot at this" Eric whispered to himself as he lined himself up against the door.
You're missing a comma after "this" to finish punctuating the dialogue.

Dialogue punctuation rules are tricky. Try reading through this link here from About.com to get a run-down. If you're still questioning how to do that, feel free to ask me and I'll help you go over them.

There's a lot of missing punctuation in your chapter, especially involving quotation marks. You have them in some places, but don't in others, like in your first sentence. I'll point out a few choice others.

Feeling a wave of pre-guilt he rose from his seat and said "That only leaves one option."
You'll need a comma after "said".

"But first off, i need to have a P double E" The boy said, giggling at his choice of words.
"You stay here and watch my bike, K" He commanded as he walked in the opposite direction, not even looking back.
Here, there's going to be some more explanation.

Commas are needed after "E" and "K".

Because of those commas, the sentences inside the quotation marks and outside get combined. What happens then? They get started with "the boy" and "he commanded", with those two beginning words written with lower-case letters.

Since the two lines of dialogue are spoken by the same person, they can go in the same paragraph.

How should this look now?

"But first off, i need to have a P double E," the boy said, giggling at his choice of words. "You stay here and watch my bike, K," he commanded as he walked in the opposite direction, not even looking back.
Just like that.

Another reason why I picked those lines for an example is because of the lower-cased "I" being used as a pronoun. Whenever the first-person singular pronoun "I" is written, it's always written as a capital letter.

A piece of advice I'll give is to find yourself a beta reader. What a beta does is look over your story before you post it to help find and correct mistakes. They'll work with you one-on-one, which is a plus. You can also ask them questions about other writing mechanics, to help you out with whatever. (Though betas tend to specialize in something or the other.)

Once grammar is cleaned up, it's time to look at what else you can add to your story. I do agree with Noob that you could add some more narration and description. Narration is what the characters are doing, how they're doing it, how the story moves along. Description can be description of the surroundings and characters, and also of how the characters feel. Adding in both will make your story less confusing and your characters more real.

How does Eric feel being out on his own? How does he feel about the fact he has to steal another's Pokemon? What does he think about all this? You have a start here with the thoughts. But don't forget that your characters also feel. Like when Eric's thinking of why the other kid is so lucky, show that Eric's also jealous and upset. Does his stomach twist up? Does he clench his fists? Does he growl through his teeth? Add some extra depth to your character by showing his feelings.

Right now, you have the basis for a solid start. Cleaning up the mechanics will make it plainly easier to read. Adding more to the narration and to your characters will make it even better.

Hope this helps.

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