I can see that you're new-ish around here, so welcome to the Fan Fiction and Writing forum! *throws confetti*
Before I get to the story itself, I want to ask this: What is a Starhea, how do you pronounce it, and where can I get one? The phrasing in Enya's song "May It Be" (I love Lord of the Rings :D ) is "Evening Star," but I don't know where those last three letters come from.
While I'm on things that are outside of the story itself:
Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate this epic tale of grandeur to, firstly, Enya the musician, for giving such beautiful tunes to the world that essentially get me through life, and who's lyrics I've borrowed for the title, and my long-suffering English companions who've had to listen to my rantings and ravings about possessives and commas.
Speaking of possessives, there's a possessives problem right there:
who's is a contraction for "who is."
Whose is the word you mean there.
And now for the story itself:
I can't tell how you mean for the reader to react to Adam, but as of yet I'm not feeling particularly warm to his character. Specifically, his conversation with Luke lowered my opinion of him. I could sort of understand it if he had ratted out his once-friend-now-nemesis in order to take revenge for something, but it seems more that he's a puritanical fanatic and likes watching people get in trouble. If you're trying to make some kind of statement against underage sex, I agree that teenage sex should be discouraged, but I wouldn't make your case by showing your main character being a jerk.
Of course, if your
intent is for people to find Adam's behavior obnoxious, then you've succeeded.
Or perhaps you're just trying to show a practical example of karma: Brag about sex and your friends will snitch on you just to watch you squirm, snitch on your friends just to watch them squirm and they'll firebomb your house. Not going to lie, these are some pretty extreme kids you have here. Unfortunately, it's not making me particularly enjoy the story. Maybe it's because Adam takes too much relish in acting as the sex-police, I don't know.
Grammar/writing mechanics-wise, this chapter isn't terrible, but it's still pretty spotty. For starters, this first sentence isn't a sentence:
"I hate that little creep" The single comment spoken by nearly every student, every day at Whitevale High School.
There's a subject, but no verb to go with it. I recognize what kind of structure you mean, and it's an idiom I would reserve for speech or transcription. I think you need a colon after the quote to make it work, but even then, it's not the most correct way to write something.
Not spectacular, but there you go.
This strikes me as awfully colloquial, more so than the rest of the narration. On top of that, I don't think I get what you mean by "but there you go." Seems like unwarranted filler to me.
However, in his case life seemed to be determined to be as unrealistic as possible yet still being physically possible.
If something is as "unrealistic as possible," that implies that it is "physically possible," which makes this redundant. Also, the use of "yet still being" sounds awkward to me. I would use "while still being." I'm not sure about any actual grammar rules in that regard, but it didn't help the sentence scan well.
swiftly decided that he didn't, in fact, need the books and replaced them. With a swift
Watch out for using the same adjective/adverb too close together.
He wasn't one to mess about with hysterics over what had happened- it just had, so he'd have to sort it out.
I think you mean "in hysterics." Also, that hyphen should be a dash, like so: —. There is actually a difference. I noticed this several times throughout the chapter.
His iPod had ranout of energy and so he walked home in silence.
"Ran out" is two words, but that's not what you want here anyway. You're using past perfect, not past imperfect, so you should use "run out." Example:
Originally Posted by Example
I
wrote an example.
I
have written an example.
Moving right along.
He ran a hand through his sweaty, dark hair that had been in a neat comb-over this morning.
This isn't grammar, but I doubt you meant "comb-over." The comb-over is a famously hideous technique for balding men to hide their baldness.
One more thing: Around here we use another line break with dialogue, just like normal paragraphs. You can look at just about any other fic to see what I mean.
There are other issues in there, but I'll leave them for you to find. It never hurts to proofread one more time.
On the whole, I am interested because this is definitely different than the average fanfic, and one gets tired of reading about Not-Ash waking up late. I'm afraid to say that I didn't particularly enjoy it, though. This is mostly because of the main character, but also because I thought the narration felt generally distant and rushed at the end. What you have here is pretty short, so I would revise it in order to flesh it out. I would bring the narration closer to the main character and the action, go into more detail with the events. Show Don't Tell, so to speak. For example, instead of just saying that Adam struck some poses, give us examples, let us see them and laugh along with you. I know it's really vague advice, but it's something all authors have to hear at some point. I often have problems with showing vs. telling myself.
I'd say this isn't a bad start, but it could definitely use improvement. You've got a good sense of snark and wit, but I think the reader will be more receptive to it if the story reads better as a whole and the main character is a little less obnoxious.
By the way, make sure you're around for the PC Get Together starting on the 15th, so you can participate in FF&W's annual Small Writing Contest. It's a world of fun!