Small Writing Competition! Page 5

Started by bobandbill July 14th, 2011 7:36 AM
  • 7961 views
  • 129 replies
Age 32
Male
England
Seen March 7th, 2012
Posted October 23rd, 2011
112 posts
12 Years
As a judge, Astinus cannot legally lose his objectivity. And to be honest, you're sounding like an ass assuming he would anyway. <_<.
All creative competitions are subjective, by definition. There are no wrong or right answers. It's not multiple-choice. It's not objective, nor should it be. All subjective decisions are subconsciously influenced, to some degree, by related outside factors. Sorry if I "sound like an ass" for acknowledging that I've done badly for myself there.

Have I been knocked about enough today, or is there more?
SoulSilver: 4470-2035-4427
White: 1764-3095-1936


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Age 30
Male
Northern Virginia
Seen 6 Days Ago
Posted May 26th, 2018
1,184 posts
15.2 Years
All creative competitions are subjective, by definition. There are no wrong or right answers. It's not multiple-choice. It's not objective, nor should it be. All subjective decisions are subconsciously influenced, to some degree, by related outside factors. Sorry if I "sound like an ass" for acknowledging that I've done badly for myself there.

Have I been knocked about enough today, or is there more?
This isn't about you. We in FF&W hold Astinus in high esteem as a mod and judge of integrity, so we don't appreciate people implying that a little kerfuffle like this is going to affect his judging in any noticeable way. That's all. If you want to quit being "knocked around," then stop making at least one provocative statement per post! Really, just drop the whole thing and the knocking around will cease.

Back to the topic at hand, I can't say I'm not excited about the news of the judging being almost over. I think Asty likes making us all squirm in anticipation. :D
Old, Janky Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=146381"]Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure[/url-inline]
Complete and FULL of lame jokes
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=127518"]Kanto: The Disputed Frontier[/url-inline]
Canceled
(Now with MST3K'd chapter 1!)
Chapter Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=406057"]Roving Degenerates with Dangerous Pets[/url-inline]
Canceled
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=387471"]Will Somebody Stop These Kids?[/url-inline]
Complete
[url-inline="showthread.php?p=9293373"]Digimon Campaign[/url-inline]
Complete
One-Shot Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=404864"]Wild Horses in Winter[/url-inline]
2017
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=385011"]Hubris Island[/url-inline]
A&D Collab 2016
[url-inline="showthread.php?p=7449808"]Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It[/url-inline]
2012
Small Writing Contest
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=193500"]2009[/url-inline], [url-inline="showthread.php?t=230366"]2010[/url-inline], [url-inline="showthread.php?t=258543"]2011[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=305055"]2013[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=332174"]2014[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=374329"]2016[/url-inline] (2nd), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=400230"]2017[/url-inline] (1st)
Family (kind of?): [url-inline="member.php?u=25615"]Strange person who calls me strange names[/url-inline]

Townes

Gentlemanly Hazard...

Age 26
Male
Seen September 15th, 2011
Posted August 30th, 2011
106 posts
11.9 Years
I think I should jump in a cyber-hole for the next few days -.-
Oh well. My work was one of sleep-deprivation and rushed-ness. Good luck to all the participants, and thank you to all the mods for your time and thoroughness in organizing and judging the contest.

And Nemesis, I really don't think you're being knocked about. We're all entitled to an opinion as you say, but the thing about freedom of speech is that it must be used responsibly. And I really don't think that any of the judges are biased enough to penalize you for arguing. So don't take it to heart- you'll be judged on the quality of your work.
The time is nigh
When shadows fall
This is the day
Your day of Judgement

Age 32
Male
England
Seen March 7th, 2012
Posted October 23rd, 2011
112 posts
12 Years
This is just to let you know, that I've read your replies, I don't necessarily agree with all points made, and I don't necessarily disagree with all points made. Since I haven't been told off for things I didn't do this time, I don't have to respond and it's generally wiser not to, but I wanted you to know that yes, I know and this time fully respect what people are saying, rather than remaining silent and leaving you to think I'm in denial or... something. And if I just say "sorry" it might sound as if I'm not actually sorry, or... something.

I should not have speculated on my chances in the contest in context of this... rather stupid argument. The reason I did was because at the time (and I'm not saying it's a good reason - I just want you to understand), I felt as if whatever I said was going to inadvertently put someone's nose out of joint regardless of my intention (several peoples' noses, really), so the response I was currently making, I thought, was definitely going to do that even more because there were many more words to possibly take offence to - regardless of how I tried to arrange my wording to make a defence without being simultaneously offensive. I know it's not totally logical, it's just how I felt at the time. In my mind, Astinus, among others, had me as a rather nasty piece of work, an arrogant trolling hypocritical philistine bent on mocking other peoples' work and being generally rude. That's just what it felt like, I'm sorry. I made the mistake of stating, out loud, that I thought I'd therefore ruined my chances of doing well in the contest. When all's said and done, arrogant trolling hypocritical philistines just generally don't do well in creative contests (they really don't), and everything I said just seemed to add another adjective onto the front of that train-wreck of supposed character flaws.

And ironically enough, nobody did take offence to my actual argument, but to my suggestion (very well, outright statement) that I had caused damage to my chances of placing well in the contest. At that point I simultaneously thought "Argh, how stupid am I?", and "I have to assert that I am not challenging the honesty of judges here, regardless of the actual sincerity of my initial comment".

My comment that I had wrecked my chances in this contest was not entirely sincere, but I knew (thought?) that "I didn't really mean it as much as it seems", is generally worse than "I was not accusing people of dishonesty". Yes, I shouldn't have said it if it wasn't totally sincere. I know that, and I wish I hadn't.

So there you go. In short, I had a very bad evening, I wasn't thinking entirely straight, I said something I didn't mean, and I consider it all to be something of a disaster. Sorry.



On topic: (this cover-all-bases facade is getting to be the worst part of whatever I have to say, it seems) I... like... writing competitions? I hope the winner won, and will get something nice.
SoulSilver: 4470-2035-4427
White: 1764-3095-1936


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Townes

Gentlemanly Hazard...

Age 26
Male
Seen September 15th, 2011
Posted August 30th, 2011
106 posts
11.9 Years
An apology is a grand thing indeed. Now then, I hope the feeling is mutual between everyone here that we should leave the past where it belongs, behind us, and walk on forwards to the long awaited results and awarding of prizes, hm?
The time is nigh
When shadows fall
This is the day
Your day of Judgement

bobandbill

one more time

Male
A cape
Seen 3 Hours Ago
Posted 3 Days Ago
16,785 posts
15.2 Years
Well you are correct - today is the day!

The scores are posted in order from lowest to highest grand total score. Included is the scoring layout for each judge and comments by myself for each one because I, uh, had a lot of free time before uni started for myself so I did it all pretty quickly, and the judging would have taken longer if the other judges did comments as well with their scoring. (After all 21 entries is a crazy amount). Hopefully those are of benefit for you! Note they were written before seeing the other scores.

As a reminder, scoring for each category is out of 10 so each judge's score is out of a total of 30, so the grand total is out of 90. Emblems will be given when they are uploaded by the higher ups and all.

And please do post your entries in the FF&W section! Keeping some of these out of sight of the rest of the forum would be a crime. =p




21st: LightOfTruth

Title: The tales of the cast aside
Grand total: 34

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 2
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 11

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 4
Total: 14

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 3
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 3
Total: 9

Comments:
Spoiler:

I feel this story could have used a lot of work, all in all - it has the potential but there's a lack of explanation for events and the plot as I was confused by a number of things - such as why was the government evil and why was there a real need to ban boats and so forth, and why they had the trainers Pokemon and indeed how they had them in the first place too. Description was rather low too as there was no real description on say what places looked like or how things happen (say the attack itself), and there wasn't any real characterisation here either - no personality to really differentiate Tom, Bill and Sara from each other.

The prompt's usage didn't really convince me either as it seemed to be only the name of the group and had no further relevance to the story itself.

As for spelling and grammar although not much was really misspelled there were some issues with grammar. Firstly I would suggest against introducing the characters before the story as there's no need to do that - it would be better to introduce them within the story and dialogue, which would also allow you to have more characterisation to be shown through their actions and so forth.
The lightoftruth cast aside is a group of people that play with there Pokemon in hiding because its against the law to even have a Pokemon because of the government called Jessie.
Firstly, the sentence is too long (a run-on sentence) - separating it and also adding more to explain why the government would outlaw Pokemon would be what I suggest doing as it's a plothole, that. their instead of there, it's (it is) instead of its (possessive) and a government called Jessie sounds... very odd to me.
There correct location is in a cave off a secret river in Sinnoh.
Again, Their rather than There and more description on the cave/etc would have been nice to have seen too.
Bill is a person that is toms friend and Sara is Toms girl mate. The story begins now:
Tom's, and Tom's girlfriend or something like that as 'girl mate' sounds rather odd.
Tom: "I will gather every single Pokemon to take down the government, Will you help me?"
Dialogue shouldn't be like this unless it is a full-out script which this isn't, so it seems odd. Rather something like:
"I will gather every single Pokemon to take down the government. Will you help me?" Tom asked his friends.
is a better way to go about it, and doesn't require much changing at all. Note also the full stop before Will now.
Bill: "Says Yes"
This is also odd - "Says yes" isn't the correct way to have dialogue in either story or script from - something like '"Yes," Bill said.' or 'Bill and Sara said yes together." or so forth is a simple yet correct way to say that.
So they fly on Sara's Pidgey to the Battle Fronter of Sinnoh, Its the only place the government doesn't know about because they stopped all boats in and out of the sinnoh regions quite a while now because they said to the trainers there is no point of a boat as you just fly here now, As they travelled to the battle fronter they saw government officials flying towards them so they send there strong flying pokemon out and launched a hyper beam at the government officials before they had a chance to attack.
Note that with the commas instead of full stops you've made this one long sentence - full stops out to be in place of those. I am curious also on how all three of them managed to fly on a mere Pidgey and what their other strong bird Pokemon actually looked like/how they did their attack. There's some spelling mistakes too like 'fronter' (Frontier).

The rest has similar mistakes to the above - all in all it's not a bad idea but it needs a lot of work to be a better story to be blunt, and hence the score this gets.




20th: Tomandgreen

Title: Nice Weather We're Having
Grand total: 48

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 4
Total: 14

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 18

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 3
Relevance to Prompt: 4
Total: 16

Comments:
Spoiler:
I felt that this story was altogether too rushed and short - there wasn't much in the way of characterisation besides the Castform seemingly being annoyed/disappointed (and too much like a teenager than a newly-created life form) and there was a lack of description as well to describe said feelings and various events in the story. The prompt wasn't really fully explored either due to this - it was in the story, yes, but not fully used I feel to add more impact to the story itself. The humour was all right in the story but it didn't produce any real great laughs beyond the dig at the television show loving scientist.

Essentially while the basis itself is decent and could make for a great story if you fleshed out each part of the story, by itself there's not much to support it.
but after 1 battle with me,
Generally numbers less than 100 ought to be written out, so one instead of 1.
Cast away like 1 magicarp too many.
See above, and Magikarp/magikarp rather than magicarp.




19th: -ty-

Title: Chained Hearts
Grand total: 53

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 16

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 20

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 17

Comments:
Spoiler:

Interesting - the only entry that was fully a script. The characters were well established I felt - what with the two partners, the amusing Li, and the evil Marina there, and I felt this was the strongest part of the story. The plot was certainly interesting too although I'm a bit suspicious of the 'brain chip thing' as it seems like a rather elaborate and hastily-explained part of the story imo - perhaps some more expansion on that aspect would be something to consider with edits.

I also would have liked to have seen more in the way of description such as in th Pokemon battles and what they looked like - sure, there were the images thrown in which helped as they were Fakemon but some more inclusion on how they attacked or reacted to being attacked for instance would have allowed you to have shown us more on what they looked like/how they battled and also made for more interesting reading. I also noticed that the stage directions seemed to be only mostly mentioned in the first part of the story instead being consistently present throughout it - more of that would have been nice to see as some of the dialogue felt a bit stale in the latter half due to that.

There's some spelling and grammatical errors throughout the script - it's mostly good but a number of the following are repeated so you just have to watch out for that. Presentation-wise you only need one line of spacing between each line as well I suggest, rather than two.
Cyano Region, is a culmination of many islands amid the Pokemon world; it is inhabited by many Pokemon species that are unique to the region. The largest island, Hearthorn is located in the center of the chain of islands.
No need for the commas after Region and island.
Devon: (to Marisol) Look who it is Marisol.
A comma should be before or after a name when used to address someone, like Marisol here.
Audience: (The audience leaves the stadium droning the island with boos. As they return home.)
Should be one sentence rather than two here - make sure you don't have any sentence fragments like 'As they return home'.
Devon: (Scathingly glares at Seth and Silas. Then turns to Marisol.) Babe, you cannot tell me that THAT isn't the most disgusting thing you've ever seen.
Same as above here with the stage direction.
You know what, if you want to lose, you'll continue to treat others like crap, that includes me.
This felt lik a run on sentence to me with all the commas there - maybe split into two or more sentences (e.g. 'That includes me' as its own sentence) or use semicolons/etc in place of some of the commas if applicable.
Marina: Yes, he's quite comical isn't he?! haha!
The 'hahas' could be 'Haha!' as they are a new sentence by themself.
Seth: Quick Tulipama, use sleeping powder!
Sleep Powder.
Burgeous. Oh no!
Colon instead of a full stop there.
The Sun is bright as the sky envelopes it with a light indigo haze.
sun rather than Sun.
Marina: Celesturn, Surf! You Idiot snap back into sanity! Stardon, Earthquake!
And idiot rather than Idiot - and again a comma should go after that word too as she's calling him an idiot and hence addressing him directly.





18th: RedDragonSilver

Title: Blasting Off from being Cast Aside
Grand total: 56

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 18

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 19

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 19

Comments:
Spoiler:

It's an alright premise I feel but the prompt wasn't explored that deeply I feel in terms of reflection of being cast aside (there's little details about it for instance imo) because we don't really see how he/she was exactly cast aside beyond being told 'joining TR is stupid' - it just seemed that it could have been expanded upon to add more to the story so we could sympathise with the character some more. I was also confused at times on if the main character was a person (mentions of a trainer/grunt) or a Pokemon ('his poison jab' and so forth). The language and claims of revenge were neatly written though and I certainly enjoyed it - I just feel that it's not well supported enough and was too brief. Some more description and plot expansion would certainly improve it though and it's a good basis.
For me to join Team Rocket, people thought I was joking, saying "Are you serious?" and "Your funny, joining Team Rocket, best joke I've heard all week".
You're (you are) rather than your (possessive).
Only watching them In action, could I realize my true calling. They gave me a goal in mind, Though I knew I could never be on top, able to defeat any opponent, I was aware that in Team Rocket, I would grow stronger by those who would oppose us, and I would be able to harm those who harmed me and make a profit out of it.
in rather than In, no need for the comma after action and the comma after 'mind' should be a full stop too. This read a bit oddly in places as well (e.g. '...be on top, able to defeat any opponent, I was aware...'
I'd rather be a lowly grunt and having trainers think they can best me easily, not knowing that a meek looking plant can have the deadliest poison, then becoming an Admin and having trainers expect a tough battle.
than rather than...well, then. =p (Than being using for comparisons unlike then which is more to link up events time-wise (I did this and then this)).




17th: Destiny Demon

Title: Unneeded
Grand total: 65

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 23

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 23

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 19

Comments:
Spoiler:
A decent story - the idea of the casting-aside being both good (for the character's survival and with the last line of the story) and bad (the killing of his own friend) was a neat direction to go with for the story, I felt. Knife fights are always fun to read about as well for myself. =p

One suggestion I will make is to space out new paragraphs by another line gap just so it's easier to read with the gap (computer screens and forums kinda demand such things unlike books) - more a note on presentation than anything though. Generally spelling and grammar was solid - no major errors to speak of.

I do feel some more description would have been nice to see in the story though - for instance what the characters looked like and how the fight occurred as well as showing us more of how Destiny looked sick as opposed to telling us she was sick beyond coughing would have made it more interesting I feel. More emotional impact with the death would have been brought about by showing some more personality from Destiny and the main character as well.

I walk to her room, with my Eternal Knife I use to slit throats.
I don't feel the comma there is really necessary - and some description on the Eternal knife, how it felt to carry it, and so forth would have been another example of where I felt more description could have been used.
He quickly lunges toward me, with a knife that looks as deadly as my Eternal Knife. I grab mine and stop him from striking me in the neck. I hear a clash! sound of our knives pressing against each other.
The same here with the description note - what made that knife look 'as dangerous' as his knife if we don't know why or what they looked like? Was it the same size or appear to be just as sharp? How did he try to strike him - with a straight stab or a swipe from the side? That and knowing something about fighting myself it would have been nice to be able to visualise more on how he managed to block a knife attack, but that's more of a nitpick there.
She draws her long Guillotine Knife from her lab coat pocket and quickly cuts Carlisle right in front of us in half.
I find it strange that he was to kill her when she was armed - and if it was meant to be a surprise some reflection by the character that this was so would be something to consider adding I suggest.
“The only way to kill him… Is to use my toxic blood.
'Is' doesn't need to be capitalised there as I feel it's fine as one sentence.
He doesn’t think as smart this time, because he blocks with his arm. You can see blood soaking from his white lab coat. It was over. Carlisle was dead.
'as smart this time' sounds a bit odd too me, and the death seemed a bit rushed to me as well - more on how he died would have removed that though (what he did, how deep the cut in his arm went, how quickly or slowly it affected him, and so forth).
I don’t blame the toxics, I blame me.
myself rather than me sounds better imo.


Overall it was decent - I just suggest adding more to the story itself with description mainly as it is the main thing lacking here I feel preventing this being a greater story.







16th: moonlightning

Grand total: 66

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 4
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 20

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 23

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 23

Comments:
Spoiler:
This was another enjoyable piece I felt. The use of the prompt was quite good - I rather liked the subject/plot of using male Combee which is generally regarded as one of the worst Pokemon given they cannot evolve - certainly her Pokemon knowledge was sucky as said by Aaron. XD I also liked the description of the battles and attacks as well as the beginning setting as well, and the way you used repetition of the baseball cap bit at the beginning and end of the story. Overall I've little qualms with the plot or characterisation or the such, although I do feel scene separators would have been nice as often I was unsettled to read a new paragraph before realising the story had moved to a different place/time altogether.

There were some issues with grammar or rather some potential improvements to sentence structure, I feel:
A long shadow fell along one side of the bank, the shadow moved in the slight breeze, rippling across the turf.
I feel it would have been better if you started a new sentence at 'The shadow...'.
The girl spread the golden liquid all over the sweet-smelling tree before her.
When the jar was empty she sunk down and rested her with back against the bark.
The grass tickled her calves as the wind blew them about.

The girl pulled a baseball cap over her eyes and fell asleep.
The sun ducked away under the horizon plunging Sinnoh into darkness.
Cindy stayed tucked up against the slathered tree all night.
Finally, a rapid buzzing woke her from her slumber.
I've separated these two paragraphs into a sentence each line to show better that they appeared to be too similar a length to each other - I feel this did somewhat hamper the pacing of the story in this regard - merging a few and/or extending some sentence would be something to consider. Also note that three in a row begun with 'The ___' which is in itself too repetitive in structure.

The Pokemon leaned from side to side as Cindy stood up, reaching into the bag at her hip for a Poke’ Ball.
Minor but I would suggest sticking to Pokémon or Pokemon rather than adding an apostrophe to the e - it just looks better that way.
The Combee made a dive for the tree, Cindy was forced to leap out the way and tumble down the hill.
This is a run-on sentence - say changing to '...the tree, forcing Cindy to leap...' or just making a new sentence in the middle would fix that.
Cindy didn’t give up, she threw the ball again, this time her aim was true and the Combee disappeared in a flash of red light into the device.
The same here - I suggest keeping to one action/event/subject per sentence in general to avoid run-on sentences. Furthermore 'Cindy didn't give up' felt a bit too much on the telling side to me as well - it could have been conveyed by showing us this fact instead by describing her actions or the such.
It shifted once on the ground, Cindy bit her nails,.
I'd also suggest splitting this sentence into two and removing the comma at the end too (it seems accidental).
Combee dodged the rippling energy ball, it flew on causing a huge dent in the wall of Eterna City gym.
Same as above with run-on sentences.
“Combee look out!” Cindy gasped.
Done a few other times - commas ought to precede or follow a name/nickname/etc when used to address someone so I suggest adding a comma after 'Combee'.
The Vespiquen’s trainer, Aaron returned his Pokemon is the a red lazer beam of light.
Seems confusing to me - maybe a bit more proofreading would have caught this. Also laser or lazar is apparently the corrent spelling.
“I’m curious as to why you are using that Combee, it is male after all.” Aaron said.
Should be a comma rather than a full stop after 'all'.
“So what?” Cindy spat, “He’s my friend and my bravest battler,
And the comma after 'spat' should be a full stop, or perhaps 'he's' rather than He's.
what does my gender have to do with anything? Or the fact that I can evolve?
Wouldn't it fit better if it was 'that I can't evolve'?

Overall - quite good - I'd just be more careful with those run-on sentences and small mistakes in general.






15th: Alley Cat

Title: Shades of Gray
Grand total: 68

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 26

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 21

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 21

Comments:
Spoiler:
Another interesting take on the prompt here, this time a romantic relationship sort of deal. I felt it was used well overall and evident throughout the story although I will add that the way the story went it felt that it made itself a bit too much of a presence in the story for the sake of it, or leastways for myself anyway.

In particular I loved the personality of the main character that came through this story loud and clear - their way of talking was distinct and their way of mentioning other characters was good too - certainly the characterisation was up there. The plot was all right too although it did seem too predictable for my liking and as said it dragged a bit too long for myself, but although the description was small in parts (some more on say how he felt when he was in love would have been nice for instance) I felt that overall it was only a bit short of the right amount, and the ending was particularly nice.

Spelling was generally solid as was grammar although there had been a number of small errors here and there - simple typos that a spell/grammar checker would have caught I suspect.
Nice clothes, the newest cell-phone, or the biggest TV, these things don’t matter to me.
I feel an ellipse of hyphen would for instance serve better than a comma after 'TV'.
I have a brother, just like my grandpa, we don’t get along too good, but he would still do anything for me.
This sentence seemed too long as well - maybe splitting into two sentence after 'brother' or using something rather than a comma there would be something to consider.
She get’s on my nerves.
gets.
She is one of my best friend’s too.
friends.
It was hard though, at the same time, having these feelings for him, he lived two hours away.
This felt like a run-on sentence to me - too many subject/topics in the one sentence. I suggest splitting up into two or more.
For one I had a boyfriend, and for two, he was jus a friend.
just. Also 'secondly' sounds better than 'for two' imo.
My wounds had just started to heal up, and hearing from again?
I feel a 'him' in-between 'from' and 'again' is missing there.
My phone died, so I couldn’t talk to him anymore that nigh anyway.
night.
Bu t I clung on, stuck it through with all the drama. His boyfriend found out about me, and that turned in one horrible nigh.
but, and night.

Overall it was a decent story - I just feel it could use some further refinements and a bit more proofreading. Certainly characterisation wise it's great though!







14th: Elite Overlord LeSabre™

Title: A Champion's Revenge
Grand total: 69

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 23

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 5
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 21

Comments:

Spoiler:

Overall it was an interesting take on the games and Red being a champion (seeing I know well about your preference for Leaf than Red and dislike for Pikachu and so forth) - however I feel the plot itself could have been... cleaner so to speak. Although it was nice to see Lisa reappear for instance I didn't feel she added much to the story itself and hence felt out of place - e.g. although she provided the plane being quite rich to have a private jet Leaf said she had a lot of money herself so she could have done the same likely. Her and other people's characters were also kinda flat, especially if I had not been familiar with Lisa I feel - maybe a bit more time fleshing those out would be something to consider with future edits if you so do so.

The battle skip at the end with Red was a bit of a let-down as well as the fic had been building up nicely to that point and I was a bit surprised at how quickly Leaf had given up on trying to get him to confess (even if it was a play on the whole 'Red only says '...' in the games). Her sort-of acceptance of it all at the end also felt odd given she went all the way up a mountain and so forth... overall although it was a neat idea I feel a few things there could have been improved. On the flip side I quite liked the summary given on how she became champion in the first place what with going by each gym leader and who did what - certainly the game references/comparisons throughout the fic were a neat feature of this.

Overall spelling and grammar was solid as I'd expect from you. =p
Next there was Koga, crafty as you’d expect a ninja to be. I had to risk the effects of poison in order to use Jolteon’s potent Electric attacks to bring
down his sturdy team.
The first line sounded a bit odd - maybe a semicolon or hyphen in place of the comma or the addition of 'who was (as)' after it would be something to consider there. Note also presentation-wise the strange spacing there in the middle of the following sentence.
Once again I contacted the League demanding an explanation. And once again, I was denied. I flew to Celadon City and started talking to people, and sure enough, everyone I spoke to was convinced that it was this mystery boy named Red who defeated Team Rocket. Nobody even had any recollection of the younger me, the girl from Pallet Town who did everything that was accredited to this “Red” character. Not even the local Gym Leader, Erika. Not even my old rival from two years ago. Despite our many battles we had against each other back then, he doesn't even recognize me anymore! In fact, when I tried to talk to him outside the Department Store, all he could talk about was getting revenge on this “Red” for usurping the championship from him. But that was me who beat him for the title! What is going on?!
I feel 'was' would have been better given all the other 'was', 'flew', 'had', etc in the paragraph.
Well, though the prospect of taking a hike up that imposing mountain didn’t appeal to me, at that point I was willing to do anything to expose the truth.
This seemed a bit of a contradictory statement odd given she had exclaimed a paragraph or few earlier how she didn't want to re-register and retake the challenge again...
As soon as I got back to Kanto, I got myself ready. I bought a bulky winter coat to put on and thick black tights to wear under my skirt. Then it was go time.
I though the mention of the colour of tights/the clothing addition here in general to be a bit out-of-place tbh.

Overall nice job - I just feel it was missing a bit more to it in places already mentioned.





Equal 12th: Scarf

Grand total: 70

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 27

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 23

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 5
Total: 20

Comments:
Spoiler:

Although it was interesting, it felt that it ended rather abrubtly - it left me somewhat confused, the ending, partly also because I did not feel it related to the prompt that well. We didn't get to see the present the man had given for instance nor why she was not going to return either and the characters could have done with a bit more characterisation as well, imo. Certainly what was written was of a good quality (such as the description of the first present) and it was enjoyable - it just felt unfinished to me.

In the distance golden grasses she remembered playing in as a child waved wildly in a wind she could not feel.
This sounded a bit odd to me, this - a bit too much in the one sentence I feel because it's easy to lose track with what is actually being said, or leastways when I initially read this - just feel this could be reworded better.
Jay held the rough edged ball with his fingertips.
'rough edged ball' also sounded odd as it doesn't quite seem to sound quite correct (A ball with an edge? would that rather be surface or the like?)
For a history teacher this was a distressing, but not uncommon predicament. For a friend it was heartbreaking.
The comma after distressing could be done without imo. The latter sentence sounded odd to me as well as I didn't quite understand - again, maybe more establishing these two characters/their relationship fully would be something I suggest.





Equal 12th: Daydream

Title: Cast Aside
Grand total: 70

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 23

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 23

Comments:
Spoiler:

An interesting story I thought - good take on the prompt accompanied with some decent writing as well. Certainly character-wise this was very strong - overall each character had defined personalities - I particularly liked Orion and Tayte's characterisation here. Description and plot were also fairly solid but I feel the characters were the strongest point of this by far. I also liked how the question had been asked a second time at the end there.

I do feel that a bit more could have been spent establishing that the Clefable had more differences/powers than speech though as it seemed to be thrown in on the go when it was needed and would have been interesting to use/explore as well before that - I'd have liked to have seen at least mention earlier due to that as it didn't come off as convincing to me. I also would have liked to have seen more on why they wanted a Pokemon to be able to speak as well, and I'm unsure why Orion had asked in person if they would sell the Pokemon when he could have done that over the phone, or indeed other people from TR before going to the trouble to assigning him to the case.
She was a grunt in the ranks of Team Rocket and she’d been assigned to their facility in the Sevii Isles.
More a suggestion but I do feel that shortenings of phrases (ie she'd rather than she had) is better suited for dialogue rather than story narration.
“Can you understand me?” The scientist queried, with no response.
That 'The' should be a 'the' - i.e. no capital. The part after the dialogue is about the dialogue (in that it tells us who said it/how it was said) and wouldn't work as its own sentence wither (it would sound awkward if read aloud by itself) - hence you'd want to treat the whole line as one sentence with the dialogue and hence the lack of a capital in the 'middle' of the sentence.
He turned to the grunt and spoke, “Set it up in a small pen with video surveillance. If the required results from the Pokemon Intelligent Enhancement Project are not seen within the next week, cast it out and inform myself or Doctor Beau.
Comma before the dialogue isn't needed as I feel the part before it works better as its own sentence the way it is worded - so I suggest replacing with a full stop. Also you were missing a quotation mark at the end of the dialogue there.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud cry, “Luffy! Come back!”
Full stop rather than a comma here.
Its owner simply watched, whilst catching his breath.
I don't feel the comma is needed but here it is fine I suppose, so more a suggestion.
She said nothing, the human may have still seemed infantile but she wasn’t entirely trusting of it.
Run-on sentence here with the comma in this instance though - the comma doesn't really work well in separating different parts of sentences - say a semi colon or hyphen or even making a new sentence there would serve better.
I would suggest the agent I sent to you recently, to undertake this mission.
Comma here after 'recently' also isn't needed and actually creates an unnecessary pause imo.
He felt it necessary to remind Orion that he was of a senior position in this branch, “That is Doctor Gideon, to you.” The agent visibly sneered at him. Gideon bristled, but continued, “I have a mission for you, earmarked as high priority by Giovanni himself.” The agent became suddenly intent on listening, “You are to retrieve a pokemon for us; a clefable of remarkable intelligence, one that is capable of human speech.”
Same deal here with the commas before dialogue not really working imo - I just feel they often sounded better as two sentences rather than one.
Orion looked thoughtful. “Where do I find it?” He asked.
he rather than He here.
“Are you okay? Should we go home?” She quizzed him in a motherly fashion.
she rather than she.
“I’m sure they’ll just tell you the same thing,” It was Bella who replied to the question.
Either change the part after the dialogue to 'Bella replied' or change the comma to a full stop as the part following the dialogue as it is would be its own separate sentence the way it is worded.
They could then be used in covert missions incapacitate those that might get in the way, or (for those which pose a more serious threat) to kill.
This sounded odd - maybe a 'to' should be inserted in-between missions and incapacitate?
The Rockets hadn’t been considering all the outcomes of expanding a mind, Bella had found herself able to master many psychic attacks.
Another run-on sentence here - here just making a new sentence via replacing the comma with a full stop is what I suggest.
“You noctowl, use Whirlwind to get rid of this smog! You golbat use Supersonic on those Tangrow-“Bella was cut off by aggressive barking. A small dog-like form leapt over her head, fire in its jaws.

The flames of the extraordinarily powerful fire attack were carried on the wind of the noctowl’s attack causing burns to the two poison types and singing the edges of Orion’s clothing.
Need a space between the quotation mark and Bella there - note the quotation mark is also around the wrong way. Also singeing rather than singing I believe.
“Bella!” Tayte’s boyish voice cried out, “He’ll die if he hits the ground!”
And again, comma before '"He'll' works better as a full stop there imo - technically it could work but as the previous piece of dialogue sounds like it's by itself... well, up to you.

Overall quite decent - just watch the issues with commas in general and perhaps a bit more expansion on the other powers gained by Bella earlier in the story would make that addition more believable.





Equal 10th: ElectricScyther

Title: Banished
Grand total: 71

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 23

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 25

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 23

Comments:
Spoiler:

Nice entry - I enjoyed reading this story. The description was good and I liked the setting of the story and how you used the prompt overall. The desert setting was well portrayed as well and I rather liked the emotion from Jabal in the last scene as well. I feel a bit more could have been used in the story such as more reflection by Jabal on being sent out however as there seemed to be a lack of feelings from him when you mentioned his change in lifestyle or him being sent out in the first place - say more on how he was like before being sent out would have been neat to see. However the shortness of it did not hamper it much imo.
Overall the story was solid with spelling and grammar. There's a few small things I noted - for instance:
The sun was bright, accented by a reddish ring that existed only in Jabal's mind, burning the ground far below it, as if punishing Jabal for being widely disliked.
This felt like a run-on sentence too me with the number of commas uses to extend the sentence - I feel it would have been better if you had split it up into two or more different sentences with possibly some reworded to compensate for that.
Jabal slowly sat down, against a tall palm tree, in the shade.
I feel the sentence would have been fine without the commas here.
Jabal had learned to value anything as a man living in civilisation would value gold. Every drop of water was vital to Jabal's survival, and every bite of food, no matter how bad it tasted, was to him worth gold.
gold twice here as a comparison felt a touch repetitive - maybe changing one of them would be something to consider.
All that he had spent on the basic needs of food and water.
This sentence read a bit oddly to me - I assume that you are talking about gold he had from the previous sentence but it did not appear to be obvious to me - perhaps it could have been a bit clearer.

Reaching into a sack that contained all his belongings, Jabal's hand felt around on bristly objects, abrasive ones, soft but coarse, rough, but all had the dry feel of the desert.
This part sounds a bit off too - a bit too choppy with the jump from '___ objects, ___ ones' to merely the adjectives for myself.

Jabal tried shaking the trunk of the tree to loosen some, and grabbing the dry bark with his sweat-drenched hands, he shook violently.
It seems that he is shaking twice - maybe you mean that he first shook the trunk and then the bark but that seems a bit off to me (partly as the trunk is made up of the bark anyway).

Overall all I enjoyed this piece - well done with it!





Equal 10th: Shining Raichu

Title: Day One
Grand total: 71

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total:

Comments:
Spoiler:
This was... well, interesting - definitely one of the more different entries I have read thus far. Interesting topic and situation here for the plot with the Rapture and all, and then turning that into a negative event for the main character. I did find it odd and questionable though with the mother's actions into getting to heaven (I assume so anyway) as rejecting her son and committing suicide asap seemed like rather...well, un-heavenly things for one to do going by the Bible and whatnot. That's probably my biggest qualm with the story as it did occur to me during the story and I don't feel that it makes sense, and the rest is fairly solid to me with description and characterisation terms of things. The arbitrary one hour limit seemed a bit odd to me as well, along with other details of time which I didn't feel were necessary to the story (e.g. 'been sitting here for eighteen hours').

The prompt was fairly well portrayed for me as well in this story, and there's not that many issues with the spelling/grammar side of things. In addition I really liked this line:
It was supposed to be a beautiful day.
Very well delivered, that, given what just happened before it and the fact that it had been sunny as well after ten days of rain...for a reason as said. =p
Everybody who would have laughed at us is gone now, forever.
This just sounded a touch awkward to me personally, although I can't quite place why this is so... maybe in that it indicates to me that everyone who would have laughed believed in the Rapture 'news' when possibly people who would have been taken may have not even heard of it.
What had just happened was insane, there was no way to comprehend it.
Sounds like a run-on sentence to me - might be better if you split the sentence into two by changing the comma to a full stop/changing there to There as a result of that.
There was a Heaven, and I was not invited.
Maybe better as 'There is a heaven, and I was not invited.' imo as Heaven didn't stop existing or the like (somewhat nitpicky but there you go =p).
I hung my head so that my mother wouldn’t see me cry. I was sobbing as silently as I could to minimise the humiliation. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that my lack of belief and my hormones were responsible for us not going to Heaven.
Also nitpicky but each sentence here started with 'I ___' which was a touch repetitive here.
In the distance I hear sirens; they’ve been constant all night, probably people convinced they can bring their loved ones back to life.
Also feel that you could have split this into two sentences around '...all night/probably people...' as it again is somewhat of a run-on sentence there and sounds better as separate sentences when I read it aloud.

Overall a decent if strange read which I did enjoy - I just found the mother's actions to be a bit hard to believe and somewhat over-the-top, espcially if she was truly 'worthy' to go to heaven.







9th: Mizan de la Plume Kuro

Title: Havisham
Grand total: 73

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 24

Comments:
Spoiler:

Certainly the emotion and the character of Jennifer were stand-out points in this story - quite enjoyed it overall there. She made for a quite interesting deranged character and I felt sorry for the poor man who had been caught up in the whole affair without much of a clue for a good while of it. The structure was neat too with the way it lead up to each other at the end (particular with the two kisses contrasting each other), although I had been initially confused by what was happening exactly with the time skips back and forth in the first few instances - perhaps they could have been a bit clearer. In addition the ending was a little bit short/rushed for my liking, and feel it could have a touch more work on it. At times I felt the description was a bit overdone as well or rather the description of her love drove in a bit too much - perhaps intentional but it seemed to be a bit over the top for myself in a couple of instances - maybe just my personal taste though.

The prompt was used well though with it being the basis of the story, and overall I quite enjoyed the whole plot. Favourite moment for me would have been him saying that he did not love her - the sort of silence that followed in my mind when reading was quite a neat moment.
Her strained eye with its red, pulsating veins shining unhealthily through its sclera scanned her limited field of vision erratically, any semblance of order quickly proving non-existent. She hadn’t slept in days, she was too uneasy.
I'll admit I had to go look up 'sclera' and it seemed somewhat an unnecessary way to describe her eye seeing I had never heard of it and hence felt that it was a bit too technical or obscure a term to use. At times I was a bit uncomfortable with how you split sentences as well with commas as it didn't sound *quite* right or could have imo been written slightly better, such as with the last sentence there - maybe a hyphen in place of the comma would suit it better instance, or rewording to ''...in days for she was too uneasy' or the like.
His smile, his posture, his oddly professional clothes, his hair, his body, everything seemed perfect, he was flawless.
This felt a bit too run-on for my liking as well - I feel it sounds better if the comma after body was changed to an ellipse or hyphen and the last three words made into its own sentence.
The man smiled and on her insides turned to butter.
The 'on' seemed unnecessary.
Almost every few weeks after he had left (abandoned!) her, he had returned to this very same spot across the street with a different woman, sometimes even a man!
Maybe add in an 'and' before 'sometimes'.
The only solace she took from his frequent philandering was that each and every person he saw would eventually feel the very same dejection she had felt when he had cast her aside.
Nitpicky but maybe 'cast her aside' could be 'cast them aside' given in the above quote she mentioned 'sometimes a man!'. I did like that the previous bit btw was the first hint he may not have been necessarily cheating.
“It’s been too long –I’ve missed you so much.
The hyphen seems somewhat oddly positioned to me there, or a space missing.
Jennifer snapped out of her trance, he was addressing her.
Feel it's better as two sentences rather than one here.
Through the grime, it gleamed and caught her face in its light, its reflection revealing a strained, reddish eye
And again I'm not sure that 'through the grime' ends the comma after it but I can see it working both ways.
The light burned her, it rejected her unnatural presence, and she too felt intense displeasure at leaving her shelter, but something important needed to be done.
Run-on sentence here the way I read it - separating into separate sentences at least once (say at 'burned her/it rejected...') would help imo.
She stepped out of the house with the knife held loosely in her hand, the warm sun of spring casting its harsh glare upon her waxy skin that hadn’t seen the light of day in ages. The light burned her, it rejected her unnatural presence, and she too felt intense displeasure at leaving her shelter, but something important needed to be done. She could no longer wait for him to reciprocate her feelings. She would no longer remain one of his plaything, cast aside deep in the bowels of his amorous memory banks. She would become his present and future, not just a blip in his past.
Four sentences in a row started with 'She ___' there which felt too repetitive to me - I'd suggest changing one or two of those sentences' beginnings.
Fatigue gripped her body, she had not left the house or walked this far in so long, and the cafe seemed so far away.
I feel a semi-colon works better than a comma after 'body'.
He searched frantically through the databases of his mind for anyone he had me in the past who would do this, any irate ex-girlfriends, any over-enthusiastic encounter in a motel somewhere.
Sounds odd around there - I'd say replacing the bolded bit with 'knew'/'met'/etc would fix it.
He retreated backwards slowly, taking calculated steps away from Jennifer and towards what hoped of as the safety of the counter.
Same as above - maybe try replacing with 'he hoped was'?
“My lovely darling bastard,” she crooned.” I love you, and you love me, you see.
The quotation mark after crooned is slightly mis-positioned.
She brought the knife down in a flash second,
'flash second' sounds odd to me although maybe it is just another term for 'split second' which I haven't heard of before (google didn't help me with confirming that...) - if so then ignore, if not then just 'second' would do imo, or split second.

Nice work overall - certainly an engrossing tale!





8th: [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]

Title: If We Walk, It'll Last Longer
Grand total: 74

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 6
Total: 23

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 26

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 7
Total: 25

Comments:
Spoiler:
The story itself was quite good - I'd say my favourite part was seeing all the throwbacks to the HGSS games throughout the story as it was done nicely - from mentions of Oak's radio show to Elm suggesting he walk with his Pokemon, to Pokemon having expressions when they follow you and recalling his Pokemon when on the bike. XD It brought some smiles to myself, along with lines like 'God, I was such a hick.'. I also liked the character's narration too - certainly a good sense of character came through there.

I did feel the ending was a touch glossed-over and rushed - maybe a bit more expansion on that part would have been nice - otherwise the pacing of the story was fine and it was fairly entertaining. I do feel though that the prompt could have featured some more here - it did seem to be lacking a bit too much compared to other entries for me. It's the main thing that would have 'let it down' scorewise because otherwise I really did enjoy this story, and on the spelling/grammar side it was fairly solid too.

I haven’t battled, and defeated, by the way, Team Rocket or any of the gym leaders or the Elite Four.
This sounded just a touch off to me in the first half of the sentence - 'let alone defeated' fits better than 'and defeated' imo, and the inclusion of 'by the way' feels unnecessary to the sentence.
Why was in such a hurry?
Missing an 'I' there.

Overall this was really good - well done with the story!






Equal 6th: Pheonix987

Title: Cast Aside
Grand total: 76

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 29

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 6
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 23

Comments:
Spoiler:
A pretty sound piece here. The prompt was decently used I thought here - I liked this take on that pokedex entry which I remember the first instance of reading that, heh. I did half-guess that it was Banette during it as note so maybe it could have been better concealed but that's minor - although straightforward the plot was all right. The characterisation and bits of description here and there were pretty good as well, although I would have liked to have seen a bit more emotion shown through the story (especially between the first scene and it waiting at the dump) for a bit more impact, and maybe hence some more expansion to that part of the story to really give us more of a feeling for the Banette's loss. What is there is good - I just feel the story could have used more of it.

I will mention on the presentation side (if you post it in the section and all) that you'd want to separate each paragraph with a line of spacing, just as it's easier for readers given computer screens not being great for the eyes and all - unlike books the spacing is needed.

It was over, between it and her. While it sat in the corner of her room, gathering dust, she would go outside and play with her friends.
I am unsure if the commas after 'over' and 'room' are really needed there - it reads fine without them after all, although more with the second than the first.
A meaningless, stupid, bag of vermin!
And I don't think the comma after 'stupid' is needed.

Overall quite good - it just seems that it could have used more to give it more impact in my opinion.





Equal 6th: IanDonyer

Title: Phasmophobia
Grand total: 76

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 26

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 26

Comments:
Spoiler:
This was a good take on Gardenia's character - I recall the scene she had outside the mansion in Eterna Forest so I thought this was a good expansion upon that canonical scene. Her character was pretty interesting to read about as well - she and the other characters felt quite real there and were certainly full of personality. I've no complaints on the description side of things - I did feel that the spacing was a bit too large between paragraphs however (with the opening scene's text size being too large when I didn't feel it needed it (maybe that was an issue with copying + pasting though) and a couple of the scenes midway did leave me a touch confused initially with the time/scene shifts between them.

I quite enjoyed the scene with the Gastly/Fake her and 'real' her though - probably my favourite part of the story, along with the moments of her letting go and her bit at the end as well. I do also feel that maybe a touch more on establishing her fear of ghosts/etc earlier in the story would have been nice as it did slightly come off as a bit too left-field for me, that theme.
The air was crisp, that fresh smell to it that Gardenia Florence loved so much so being very present she thought she would faint.
This sentence sounded a bit odd to me (mostly around the '...so much so being very present' bit) - the wording there sounds off to me - I feel it could be much simpler and hence clearer.
And guess what, folks? If you guessed, 'Ol' Joe, seems like there's gonna be a storm soon', you guessed right. There's a severe thunderstorm warning for Ecruteak City, and it's lookin' to be a bad one.”
It didn't appear obvious to me at first that this was a radio/new broadcast/that she had been listening to the such in the first place so it was a bit confusing to me initially.
Good thing I ain't there,” she murmured. She supposed the rainwater would be good for her grass-type Pokemon, but her? She hated getting wet. She shrugged the thought off, instead opting to go inside and get a soda. She would drink it and then take a nap – if there was one thing she had to appreciate about this region, it was that their hotels provided comfy beds.
This happened on occasion - you'd start multiple consecutive sentences in the same manner such as here with 'She ____'. It wrecks with the pacing and sound repetitive so I suggest changing it up more often (say two out of those four could be changed).
With the speed of a Ponyta on drugs
Haha, I loved this bit here. XD
Gardenia smiled – it was in time. The counter had been just in time, and this could also turn the battle in her favor.
This seemed a bit too repetitive with the 'in time' bit in particular. As a note I quite enjoyed the battle and wish it had gone for longer. =p
Her entire body locked up, sending a sensation of pain throughout her nerves. Her mind shut down for a moment, devoid of any thought oter than, “here is where I'm going to die, isn't it?”. Her eyes were wider than she ever thought she could possibly stretch them.
other rather than oter, and here is another instance of the repeated sentence structure in the same paragraph.

Quite a good story overall, in short. =)






5th: Mira

Grand total: 77

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 28

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 24

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 25

Comments:
Spoiler:

My favourite part of this story would be the way the language changed between... well, let's say 'pre-capture' and 'post-capture' - it worked to great effect, having rich language for the parts of the people fighting and scrounging around for food and simple plain language for the person who was saved, along with the comparisons between say the food. Very well written in that regard.

The prompt could have featured just a bit more I feel along with the plot aspect of the part in which she explains how she didn't know the note was an invite and all was a bit too rushed - I would have liked to see some more expansion on that part as it seemed to be too quickly put together, those few paragraphs, for my liking. The characters themselves were quite interesting and well protrayed, I thought, and I liked the emotion shown in the fight, only for the tear at the end to be described as a 'drop of moisture'.

I'll note that presentation wise scene separators may have helped as at one instance I was a touch confused by the change from chicken to the future-protagonist's meal, even with the italics change.
I turn and head south to the housing unit for females. I am assigned to meet with the Director of Propaganda and Publishing. I hope that is my last task for the night. I have to catch up on the sleep from the extra hours I have been putting in. Not that I have any complaints. I am very grateful to have been accepted into the institution.

I enter the building and walk toward the Nutritional Supplement Wing.
Although it is part of the whole simplified story-telling, you tended to start sentences too often with 'I ___' and it made it overly repetitive - a little bit more variety would help it imo. I do like that places were Officially Capitalised though - nice touch.
I kept on running, though.
I don't think the comma is needed there tbh.
I am handed a plate of dinner. I do not know what it is. I do not care to find out what it is.

I sit down at my assigned table. The person I am supposed to meet with has not arrived yet. I begin to eat even though I am not hungry. I am not often hungry. I am glad to sit down.
Same as the first quote - a bit too much for my liking with the starting-sentences-with-I.

Overall, short as you said but quite enjoyable - as said would have liked to have seen a little more at one point but otherwise well done.






4th: Townes

Grand total: 78

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 28

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 25

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 25

Comments:
Spoiler:

That girl sure was an intriguing character there, with her rather cruel actions and apparent mind control skills of her Pokemon - that however did leave me a touch confused - maybe a bit more of a hint towards that (or not?) would have been nice because it just seemed a bit too vague, although I'll put that down to it being set up as mysterious (along with why she had left them in the first place and then wanted them back...). Certainly the story was well-written - quite liked the plot, the description was fairly solid - nothing was lacking in that regard and the prompt was used very well I thought - the best out of all the others upon reflection what with the Pokemon cast aside and then in a sense casting aside the person who saved them too.

Only main issue is that there were a number of errors with grammar. I did find the use of present tense to be a bit odd at times, although it was consistently well-written.
It glances around itself, its eyes filled with awareness, perceptive to the tiniest movement, the breath of the smallest Pokemon and the swaying of the largest trees.
I felt this sentence sounded a bit odd with the way it was continued - it may have been better to split it into two sentences.
A small distance away, another, older girl, stands with a sadistic and cruel smirk on her face, dividing the line between childlike innocence and the maniacal insanity behind the face of a young girl.
I don't feel the comma after 'another' is needed, and the use of face twice in the same sentence was repetitive imo - you could remove/replace one of them.
The Gardevoir screams and throws forth a ball of lightning towards the boy, who barely has the life left in him to scream in pain.
Same here with 'scream' used twice in the same sentence as well.
'Oh, what's this? A little puppy who's come to join my entourage?' The girl squeals happily.
the rather than The - the dialogue and part that follows should be treated as one sentence (although I suppose you could treat it as two it seems to suit the other way better to me) and hence no capital.
Oh, Vixen... Come on then, I've found you once more and we can go on ahead. Come on, back into your Pokeball, now!' She says, merrily.
Here though definitely a small 's' should be used for she. As a note at the end we didn't actually see Vixen go in her ball so it seemed either she changed her mind suddenly or this detail was forgotton.
'You were cruel. You were wrong.' He murmurs, in a voice that is barely audible but still strong.
Again, he rather than He. I don't feel the comma after 'murmurs' is entirely necessary either.
Or, should I day, kidnapped?'
say.
He walked towards them, carrying a torch, bringing light to their unbearable world of darkness. He crouched down towards the trio, in a small, bunched huddle for warmth. His warm, brown, almost red eyes were filled with pity and care. He reached inside his coat an pulls out a small bag with three sandwiches inside. He smiled kindly and handed one to each of the Pokemon in turn. 'There we are,' He'd said, grinning. 'You need those more than I do.' He had reached out to stroke Vixen, who flinched back in fear. 'Hey, I won't hurt you, poor mite.' He put his gloved hand on her head and scratched her behind the ear. 'Come on, let's get you somewhere warm.' He picked the shivering Vixen up and led the small party into a tiny flat, with a single bed, a couch, a small fridge and a television, with few other amenities. He set Vixen down on the bed and switched the television on. 'Now, how about some proper food?'
Firstly, a lot of sentences here started with 'He ___' which happened too often (for the sake of numbers something like eight times out of fourteen ignoring a 'His' which is more than half of the sentences, and two were dialogue). This affects the pacing and makes it sound repetitive (more like a list of events rather than a story) - so I suggest some rewording of a few of those sentences. Besides those, 'and' rather than 'an', 'he had' rather than 'He'd' (I suggest using shortenings in dialogue only), and insert an 'a' in-between 'with few'

Overall I most certainly enjoyed this read - good work!





And for the top three (sorry but only the top two get special emblems):



3rd: Cutlerine

Title: The Beastman
Grand total: 79

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 8
Total: 26

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 27

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 26

Comments:
Spoiler:

My apologies for the length, but I had to do it in order to do the story justice. I think.
I think that the length fits the story here and did it great justice. =) Quite an enjoyable tale overall - very well written and quite entertaining throughout with an interesting premise of how people first learnt about taming Pokemon. The prompt was certainly well employed and clear in this story imo.

I liked the little nods to canon details (for instance the mention of hollowed apricorns) and the characterisation of the Beastman and Lorelei were quite good, and I liked the inclusion of the diary entries as well. And the conversations between the two were quite entertaining, such as:
“Hey,” she said. “Don't worry. Nobody's perfect. Look at me. I’m really bad at Chemistry.”
Her using that to a person from the stone age amuses me greatly. XD

There are a few issues for me here and there with the plot, besides ignoring the language barrier being rather small there (I note that although for instance he didn't understand the word 'sure' at one point he then went and used 'presumptuous' in the following line and it did kinda irk at me how the language was so similar over 4000 years given say how English has evolved in a much shorter time.). I would have liked to have seen more on why Lorelei had been taken to the past for 11 days by Celebi as well and although Celebi's characterisation was quite amusing... I felt that it didn't quite fit in the story given how the rest of it was written and so it threw me off. The scene just before he returned to his old village for revenge didn't seem necessary to me either and I couldn't really see much point in it nor much...well, 'enjoyment' from it as it stuck out to me.

Lastly:
I had heard the story a thousand times from my mother, and a hundred more from the other women of the tribe, and on nights like this I knew it was true.
I felt like a little child asking why, why, why of his mother, over and over.
I shivered. I'd seen a woman killed by a Terror Bird once. She might have been my mother, I’m not sure; no child of the Virid knows their parents, but I liked her enough that she could have been.
This seemed somewhat odd for him to say his mother both before and after stating he didn't know his mother but thought this on might have been her, perhaps.
I’m a light sleeper, and so are all the others, so they must have done it very carefully; I guess it was probably the most experienced woodsmen of the tribe, the ones who can move completely silently through even an autumn forest, who moved us.

For when I and the other children awoke, we were no longer in the children's hut. We were at the edge of the forest, in a lean-to shelter built up against one of the trees, and there was no one else around.
This also seemed a bit odd - I was a bit too surprised that not one had been woken up by being moved all the way outside, especially after a snowstorm as the temperature change must have been pretty dramatic. Nor do I see why the shifting of their position was really necessary unless that was a big tradition in itself...
and I couldn't think of anything else witty that Joam might have said.

“I suppose you could even have said: 'Good luck, Sirinian, and I hope you survive and bring back a wolf', if you wanted to be nice. Not that you do, of course, but there is always hope.”

Having run out of things that Joam could have said instead of 'You're going to die',
First and last lines there seemed a bit too repetitive to me.
When the sky started to darken, I stopped for the night
Not sure if you needed the comma after 'darken' - imo sounds better if you swapped the two halfs of the sentence but that's more a suggestion.
The deer caught the sudden movement and bolted, but, weak from the hard winter, they didn't move fast enough. The spear took one through the hind leg, and it fell hard with the same anguished cry the Terror Bird had wrangled from one yesterday. The others were gone, galloping away over the hills, but I didn't care: I'd done it! I'd brought one down!
Here each sentence started with 'The' which was a touch repetitive imo - it sometimes happened around here with 'I' as well being used a bit too much although that's somewhat nitpicky.
“Ouch,” I said, striking myself on the cheek. “Still, you can't complain, Sirinian. Would you like to be bruised or be dead? All right,” I admitted to myself, “I'd rather be bruised
Not sure if 'to myself' is needed (or even the two sentences) given it's already established he's talking to himself by the previous line and the situation.
“I'm going to light a fire.” She snapped another.


“But this is green wood,” I said, puzzled at her ignorance. “It won't burn.”
Presentation thing - the space here is the touch big between the two sentences.
“Yes.” Lorelei nodded.
Also not quite a correction but I feel it's also fine with a comma instead of a full stop - as in one sentence rather than two.
After eight days of Lorelei, I felt halfway to a god. (restofparagraph)

Anyway, after eight days of Lorelei,
Again an instance in which there was some repetition here which felt unnecessary.
Celebi snapped stubby fingers.
snapped his/its stubby fingers?

Overall I quite liked it and the writing itself was great - my main qualms were those small plot points and all mentioned above.





2nd: (=Nemesis=)

Title: Cast Aside
Grand total: 83

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 8
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 28

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 28

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 9
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 27

Comments:
Spoiler:
I really enjoyed this as all elements seemed to be used fairly well here imo. Certainly the prompt was well used and the plot twist reveal of the true nature of the main character was great too. I was amused at the reason as well coming down to IVs, EV spreads and passed down moves from breeding as well, although I did feel the last part had been a bit too quick - maybe more conversation between the two to show us more personality of the like from Annie would have been nice to see - otherwise the main character's personality was certainly well fleshed out, and description was quite solid as well and the premise well-pulled.

Once I had finally awoken, I found myself in a proper bed, with the electric fire next to me at full power.
I am unsure if the comma after 'bed' is really that needed as it works without it too, but more a suggestion than a correction.
Once, I was back at home and safe in Annie's arms; once, I was overwhelmed by a terrible flood.
Once twice came off as a bit repetitive and imo it would sound better if you changed the second to 'another time' or the like.

Overall - a very good piece here - again, the twist really made this story and was excellently done imo. Now I hope that he perhaps goes back to the old man and his granddaughter, personally. XD






And the winner!


1st: icomeanon6

Title: Left by the Roadside
Grand total: 87

Score Breakdown + Comments:
Spoiler:

Astinus:
Spelling and Grammar: 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 10
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 30

Bay:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 10
Relevance to Prompt: 10
Total: 29

bobandbill:
Spelling and Grammar: 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 10
Relevance to Prompt: 9
Total: 28

Comments:
Spoiler:

Overall this one gets the highest score from myself so... congrats? =p But I quite enjoyed this story and in all honestly didn't feel that any parts of the characterisation plot or description needed work when I read, and I certainly could see the relevance to the prompt and overall it was fairly clean too. The story itself I found enjoyable - it was a interesting way to start it with Surge's comments there as it definitely got my attention, and I liked the resolution in the end as well. And the relationships between the three characters certainly felt real to me as well - quite liked the small touches such as Krissy's disapproval of Jason's use of language at times.

I also suspect I will make myself even more sure I have Antidotes. XD
Though she hadn’t meant to, Krissy had just followed Surge’s punch to the plexus with a roundhouse kick to the face.
This was a neat quote I liked as well. Maybe because I do karate? XD
What followed was routine: They dropped their Pokéballs at the front desk, found some seats, and started waiting for the fifteen minutes to pass.
Not sure if you needed to capitalised 'They' there as it should read as one sentence imo, so 'they' would be better.
Now he could tell why the little guy seemed so anxious: He was expecting a battle with another Pokémon.
Same as above with He.
With a good heave, Travis was on two feet, gasping for breath. But all of a sudden, he ceased gasping, and let out a weak groaning noise.
gasping twice in consecutive sentences sounded a bit repetitive to me.

Overall a very good read - well done!




Congrats to the winners and also congrats to all those who entered! Overall the entries were of a quite high standard I thought and it was quite enjoyable reading them. Once again, emblems will be given when they are uploaded and all and please post your stories in the FF&W section!

Staff Anime Villain Collab - Earl de Darkwood - Interstella 5555

Daily | Drabble Dex | A Change of the Season
The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
Paired to Sheep :>
Age 32
Male
England
Seen March 7th, 2012
Posted October 23rd, 2011
112 posts
12 Years
I can definitely agree with the criticisms of my own piece, but I think people ought to avoid the comments if they don't want spoilers. (no, honestly)

I'll be posting my entry here if that's OK?
SoulSilver: 4470-2035-4427
White: 1764-3095-1936


(\__/)
(•˚.˚•),/\
()꜄꜂()v√

bobandbill

one more time

Male
A cape
Seen 3 Hours Ago
Posted 3 Days Ago
16,785 posts
15.2 Years
Yes, ideally people should just look at their own comments if they want to read the others, hence the double spoilers for each set of comments. That'd likely be the case for most entries after all.

And if you mean posting your entry in this thread then I'd suggest against it because in a few days it'll be closed and this forum section hidden from the public, so you'd definately want to post it in the Fan Fiction and Writing section instead imo. Unless you want to do so in both but I don't seee much reason for that. *shrug*

Staff Anime Villain Collab - Earl de Darkwood - Interstella 5555

Daily | Drabble Dex | A Change of the Season
The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
Paired to Sheep :>
Age 32
Male
England
Seen March 7th, 2012
Posted October 23rd, 2011
112 posts
12 Years
I was thinking of sticking it in a blog, personally, I need to put something in it. I just thought contestants might like seeing each others' entries very very quickly.

Looking through that list of names to find mine made me think of Top Gear's hot lap. "It's faster than the Gallardo... faster than the McLaren... faster..."


Right, here's my entry; I may or may not correct the bits I was marked down on at some point, but what's here is untouched.

Spoiler:
You may call me Ernest, if you will; for though the name may never find use for me again, my recounting of the misfortune that brought me here will be earnest indeed. It cannot have begun more than a week ago; I awoke to the sound of birdsong in the wood, with an abominable headache and only a vague memory of what had happened before. I remember only a visit to Goldenrod City with Annie, who was talking excitedly about… nothing, as far as I could tell.

I resolved to find her as soon as I could, and tried to find my way out of the maze of trees. The glorious sunlight faded quickly behind the cover of cloud, and I shivered as the first of the cold, heavy raindrops began to fall. At last I found my way to the nearest town, and tapped nervously at the door of the first house I could see. I was shy enough around strangers when Annie was with me, and here, I felt completely alone. The door opened and I beheld the face of an old man, who must have been taken aback by my bedraggled appearance, for I was by now wet through and very muddy. After a moment's pause, where he looked at me blankly and I looked back with what must have been an expression of absolute despair, he quickly welcomed me in and introduced me to a young girl, his granddaughter.

"Good heavens, you must be entirely soaked!" he remarked. "I don't have a roaring log fire like those fellows down the road, but I'll do all I can to make you comfortable." He fetched a towel and set to work on helping to clean off the mud. "You'll have to stay here overnight," he concluded, after wiping off most of the moisture. "It seems the storm is getting worse." As if to herald his words, there was a thunderclap that followed right after. I sneezed, which seemed to make the old man even more concerned than he already was. He found an electric fire and some blankets, and I remember no more after that. I must have quickly fallen into slumber, and slept on and off for days, with only a few waking memories which blended with my tormented dreams so that I can no longer tell them apart. Once, I was back at home and safe in Annie's arms; once, I was overwhelmed by a terrible flood. There was a thunderstorm with raindrops as red as blood, and there was a nurse standing over me, words of concern washing over me like the relentless waves of the ocean.

Once I had finally awoken, I found myself in a proper bed, with the electric fire next to me at full power. I felt a little feverish, and was dreadfully hungry. The old man who had taken me in appeared with a bowl of food, which I ate voraciously. Looking back, it was impolite of me to tuck in so freely, but the old man didn't seem to mind at all.

The next day, I at last felt well enough to venture outside, and to try to establish what had befallen me on that fateful day. That would mean finding Annie. For the last week, she and I had regularly been down to Slowpoke Well for training, which was only a short walk away. It seemed like folly not to go there at once. When I got there and clambered down the long ladder, it was not long at all before I found her, standing next to a female Sandslash I had not seen before.

When Annie heard me she turned in surprise. "Ernest?" she asked, in astonishment. "You came back?"

I nodded, and a feeling of dread crept over my entire being, a chill resounding through every bone; for I had begun to suspect the very worst.

"But…" she stammered. "But… but… I thought you'd be…"

I waited for her to compose herself; it would not have been appropriate to jump to a conclusion and shout, especially in the presence of a lady. But all the while my suspicions deepened and grew like an immeasurable abyss.

"I didn't expect you to come back," she said at last. "I got a call last week that someone had put up a Sandshrew for offer. Perfect IVs, the right nature, Earthquake learned… I've wanted to move up into the big league and this is my chance to do it. And… and there's no point in training two Sandshrews. Nobody would really want you in a trade. You don't even have the right EV spread. I just thought you'd make it all right out in the wild. I mean, that's where I found you, right? So I released you. You're free to go where you like."

In all the time I had spent with Annie, in all the hours together through the good times and the bad, I had never thought that she would let me go without a second thought. I made my departure without protest, and I did not hold any thoughts of contempt or malice against Annie's new acquisition. She had clearly known no part of this, totally innocent of Annie's carefree betrayal. Had I been human, perhaps I would have shed tears. But in the dry, arid expanse I used to call home, any waste of water at all, and thus any overwhelming abundance of it, could mean death. And thanks to Annie, it nearly did.

Perhaps I would return to the desert sands some day, or perhaps I would find someone whose friendship is beyond natures, and IVs, and move pools. Perhaps. As for Annie, in my mind there was no doubt. She had not 'released' me.

I had been cast aside.
SoulSilver: 4470-2035-4427
White: 1764-3095-1936


(\__/)
(•˚.˚•),/\
()꜄꜂()v√
Age 30
Male
Northern Virginia
Seen 6 Days Ago
Posted May 26th, 2018
1,184 posts
15.2 Years
Well, this is unexpected. O_O I'm not really sure what to say.

I guess thanks to the judges for all of their hard work, and I'd like to say congrats and good game to (=Nemesis=). *offers internet handshake*

And congrats to everyone; it looks like some really good stories came out of this competition, so get posting! :D
Old, Janky Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=146381"]Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure[/url-inline]
Complete and FULL of lame jokes
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=127518"]Kanto: The Disputed Frontier[/url-inline]
Canceled
(Now with MST3K'd chapter 1!)
Chapter Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=406057"]Roving Degenerates with Dangerous Pets[/url-inline]
Canceled
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=387471"]Will Somebody Stop These Kids?[/url-inline]
Complete
[url-inline="showthread.php?p=9293373"]Digimon Campaign[/url-inline]
Complete
One-Shot Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=404864"]Wild Horses in Winter[/url-inline]
2017
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=385011"]Hubris Island[/url-inline]
A&D Collab 2016
[url-inline="showthread.php?p=7449808"]Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It[/url-inline]
2012
Small Writing Contest
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=193500"]2009[/url-inline], [url-inline="showthread.php?t=230366"]2010[/url-inline], [url-inline="showthread.php?t=258543"]2011[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=305055"]2013[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=332174"]2014[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=374329"]2016[/url-inline] (2nd), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=400230"]2017[/url-inline] (1st)
Family (kind of?): [url-inline="member.php?u=25615"]Strange person who calls me strange names[/url-inline]

Bay

She/They
Dani California
Seen 3 Hours Ago
Posted 3 Hours Ago
6,346 posts
17 Years
Thanks bobandbill for adding all of our scores up! LOL I realized your scores and mine are close to one another while some of Astinus's scores are a few points higher/lower than ours. Just saying. XD

Anyways, congrats to icomeanon6, (=Nemesis=), and Cutlerine for being in the top three! And everyone else, great work all! Indeed, I too enjoy reading all the entries and many of them are great quality. Looking forward to seeing the stories posted in the fanfic section!
Miles Edgeworth
Foul Play [On Hiatus]

Daydream

Boo.

Age 29
Male
That thar Kingdom. The United one.
Seen July 2nd, 2020
Posted June 27th, 2018
702 posts
13.7 Years
Joint 12th out of 21? I can live with that. Especially considering the talented writers we have at PC. And the competition actually seems to have been really close, looking at the points awarded.

I'm now looking forward to see what the other entries are like.
Noble Magic
Courtly intrigue; may contain lightning bolts and necromancy.

IanDonyer

Time to kick ass? Definitely.

Male
Remember? Yeah, I live at that place! At the time, with the thing! =D
Seen January 19th, 2015
Posted January 19th, 2015
179 posts
12.6 Years
Got shocked for a moment: didn't see my name scrolling down through most of it initially and thought I had gotten within the top three. XD Oh well. Sixth place is still pretty damn good. Congrats to all of ya, 'specially icomeanon.


Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Age 97
Shimoda City
Seen 1 Week Ago
Posted January 25th, 2022
9,705 posts
15.5 Years
...

Wow, mine sucks the big one... then again, I suppose that's what I get for trying to whip something up the day it's due... at 4:00 in the morning... and only taking two hours on it (ask my old high school English teacher what happens when you attempt to do that). Is it too late to issue a strategic withdrawal of my entry xD?

In any event, congrats to the winners. Just don't expect any more fiction from me (unless we get a really awesome prompt like "Quality Inn" or something, lol. That's a topic I would have no problems at all writing about :P)

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
PC Vital Stats
* Pair
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Links
* Blog
* Web Site
* Fan Fictions:
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Pheonix987

Nyan, nyan, myancology...

Age 24
Eating up my brainz.
Seen June 23rd, 2012
Posted October 30th, 2011
108 posts
14.6 Years
*high-fives IanDoyer* Sixth place! :) Take that, Sid! I was right!

I reread the fic and I teared up. I hate how I can't seem to write anything that isn't 2D/-ish. I'm going to have to squeeze that out of me until I can write with 100%.

But then...I'd have to write to do that, eh? *snickers*

Open up...your senses. The World Ends With You.

Neku, Shiki, Joshua, Beat, Rhyme.

I don't calculate stat values, I don't breed my way to perfection, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are, and treat them like individuals instead of brainless drones. If you use this philosophy, copy & paste this into your signature.

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 1 Day Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
14.7 Years
Hahaha, ninth place... I wasn't really expecting anything, but I was hoping for a good place, and I guess ninth isn't horrible. I could've done better on grammar though. Personally, I feel my grammar scores are pathetic, despite my pedantry towards the topic, and I should've spent more time on that aspect. Also, characterization. I could have conceivably done better, but I've never written a romance before, and I am a self-imposed celibate, so the concept of romance is foreign to me. Still, that's no excuse.

Anyway, congrats all, thanks to the judges, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone's entries next year. :D
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Seen August 2nd, 2015
Posted August 18th, 2011
9 posts
11.8 Years
8th place! Whoo! That's perfectly fine with me. ;D

Thanks to the judges for taking the time to score and comment. I can see why you didn't think it fit particularly well with the prompt since, reading it over, I can see that I kind of strayed from the original, prompt-y idea I had. Oh well. There's always next year! Also, congratulations to everyone, especially (=Nemesis=) and icomeanon6!
Age 30
Male
Northern Virginia
Seen 6 Days Ago
Posted May 26th, 2018
1,184 posts
15.2 Years
*completes internet handshake*

And well done icomeanon6. Where can I go to see your entry?
You can find it in the main Fan Fiction & Writing forum, along with several other of the contestants' entries. Speaking of which, you should probably post your entry in a thread there for posterity. This thread won't be around for too much longer.

There's also a link for mine in my sig.
Old, Janky Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=146381"]Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure[/url-inline]
Complete and FULL of lame jokes
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=127518"]Kanto: The Disputed Frontier[/url-inline]
Canceled
(Now with MST3K'd chapter 1!)
Chapter Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=406057"]Roving Degenerates with Dangerous Pets[/url-inline]
Canceled
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=387471"]Will Somebody Stop These Kids?[/url-inline]
Complete
[url-inline="showthread.php?p=9293373"]Digimon Campaign[/url-inline]
Complete
One-Shot Fics
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=404864"]Wild Horses in Winter[/url-inline]
2017
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=385011"]Hubris Island[/url-inline]
A&D Collab 2016
[url-inline="showthread.php?p=7449808"]Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It[/url-inline]
2012
Small Writing Contest
[url-inline="showthread.php?t=193500"]2009[/url-inline], [url-inline="showthread.php?t=230366"]2010[/url-inline], [url-inline="showthread.php?t=258543"]2011[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=305055"]2013[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=332174"]2014[/url-inline] (1st), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=374329"]2016[/url-inline] (2nd), [url-inline="showthread.php?t=400230"]2017[/url-inline] (1st)
Family (kind of?): [url-inline="member.php?u=25615"]Strange person who calls me strange names[/url-inline]