[Pokémon] Legendary Adventures

Many legends are hiding. Many have never even been heard of. But one is so powerful, it could change the world itself if it falls into the wrong hands. But, if in good hands, it could restore all time and all living and inamanite things.

I woke up from my dream. The morning. When I got up, I remembered when I was back in Lavender Town, and I shuddered at the thought of the place. There were so many rules, no freedom, and the place was filled mostly of poachers. Nobody was nice to anybody. Then I tugged my night gown to snap out of the past. I was in Striaton City now. Everyone was friendly, we all had freedom, and happiness overflowed the whole town. The difference was so........well.....different. And I liked it. But the best part was that today, I was getting my first pokemon!

Later, I was in the pokemon center, in front of 3 pokeballs. The reason was that residants from towns that weren't close to Nuvema Town got their first pokemon from Nurse Joy at the pokemon center. The Tepig was cute, but had an attitude. Snivy was cool, but too relaxed for my taste, I'm more of a tomboy. But Oshawott was energectic and nice, and was a tomboy as well. As soon as I picked up the pokeball containing Oshawott, a boy with a Pikachu came in."Nurse Joy, could you heal my pokemon please?" When he turned to go wait, he saw me staring in shock. He laughed and said, "Sorry, we're from the Kanto region! My name is Ash, and this is Pikachu!" The little thunder mouse made a noise, and I giggled. Then I looked up at Ash and asked, "Why isn't Pikachu in a pokeball?" He answered, "Well, my little buddy hates going into a pokeball, so he travels on my shoulder!", and afterwards looked at my pendent. When he asked where I got it, I told him it was a present from the striaton trio, the gym leaders. "Thats right, isn't it Hilda?" When I heard that voice, Ash and I turned and saw a green haired man walking in. I smiled."Hi Cilan!" I called.

Sorry, but this is rather hard to interpret. There is a lack of actual plot and everything that's written down seems to be more of a synopsis rather than a real story. I would suggest adding in a bit of description, such as what exactly was the dream? The "dream" would be the first line of text, without any dialogue, just an ominous prophecy, I'm guessing, without a voice to even speak with.

A few more details could also be added such as how exactly does the character feel throughout the whole scenario? The protagonist has no emotions, and leaves the reader guessing as to what her thoughts are exactly. She does mention Lavender Town, but simply states that there is little freedom and many rules. Then it suddenly jumps back to Striaton City.

The main character should have a description, such as her appearance and age. Possible personality hints would also be helpful. There was no mention of the gender at all until the very end, where I had to use my brain to figure out that Hilda was the female from BW. I also failed to see any actions the character did, besides talking and picking an Oshawott from an unmentioned venture to a nearby lab from an unmentioned professor, assuming to be Juniper, and heading over to a Pokemon Center. There was one sentence describing that whole situation.

Furthermore, there should be a bit of formatting. Like, for example, you should use actual paragraphs and space in between bits of dialogue. If not, then it seems all jumbled up and sloppy. It makes it impossible to read.

Another mistake, I'll only mention one scenario but there are many. This is simply an example.

juniebug910 said:

asked,"Why isn't Pikachu in a pokeball?"

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There should be a [space] before a "," and the starting of quotation marks (").

Mistake in bold:

juniebug910 said:

When I heard that voice, me and Ash turned and saw a green haired man walking in. I smiled."Hi Cilan!" I called.

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The correct usage would be "Ash and I" because those are the subjects of the verb, rather than direct objects or related.

In conclusion, all I can say is work on it. You might actually want to proof read it before posting it, and it wouldn't hurt to type it up on a Word Document to find any spelling/grammatical mistakes before posting. Also, I'd suggest finding a Beta Reader to find any of your flaws in the story, and they would happily critique it for your improvement.

sorry about the mistakes. its just that this is my first fanfic, so its choppy. I'll take your advice for the next chapter, so thanks for the feedback!

oh, forgot to say something else. the reason i didn't give Hilda a description or personality is because i'm going to reveal her main goal and personality hints next few chapters. this was sort of a practice chapter, to see if i like writing fanfics.

oh, and by the way, your right. SHAYMIN BE DA CHIA PET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 2: Dreamyard, Team Rocket, and Journeys

You are one that can control that kind of power. I can sense you are a good being. Route 2 is where we shall meet, Hilda.


"So you think that your dream was sent by a pokemon?"

Cilan, Ash, and I were chating, I figured out that Ash had gotten his first Unova badge here, Ash got lots of wierd questions from Cilan, and I had told them about my confusing but interesting dream. I thought it was a pokemon that sent me the dream, Cilan thought it was just an unusual dream, and Ash was wondering how we knew each other.

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding!

Ash was called to pick his pokemon up from healing. He rushed downstairs, Cilan and I following. Suddenly, a purple haired girl rushed into the pokemon center. Since Ash called her Iris, I assumed that was her name. It seemed her Axew was hit by a pink light and fell asleep, and nothing Iris did would wake it up. Then a woman in a lab coat came in, a Munna rushing after her. The pink flora patterned pokemon woke up Axew. After seeing that the woman was Dr. Fennel, we went outside, and saw more pink lights floating around. It was a good thing that my new Oshawott was safely in its pokeball. Later, Officer Jenny and the other 5 of us went to the dream yard, where we encountered 3 people from a gang called Team Rocket. Before I knew it, flashbacks were pouring into my mind. In Lavender Town, we got invaded by Team Rocket 24/7. I soon got over it though. After a long battle, they ended up escaping, but at least Dr. Fennel reunited with her old pokemon friend, Musharna.

Later, we were all suprised at the gym, where Cilan anncounced he was going on a journey. The most suprising thing was that he wanted me to come with him! I instantly said yes. Soon, I saw that we were going to travel with Ash and Iris, which made it even more exciting! As I ran away from Striaton City, my long hair flying in the breeze, I thought of all the excitment we would experience. Little did I know, this journey was going to hold lots more excitment than any of us were expecting!

Chapter 3: A meeting of legend

We walked on Route 2 real quick, as I had dropped something when I first moved here. Suddenly, 2 robot arms shot out and grabbed Pikachu and Axew. We got serious when we found it was Team Rocket! While the others battled, since I wasn't so experienced like at the dreamyard, I heard a voice.

"Quick, come with me, hurry!"

I turned behind me, I knew that voice. It was the voice from my dream. Behind me, there was a cloaked person. The cloak was red and blue. I took the person's hand and ran away from the heated battle.

We ran and ran until we reached a cave. "Come inside, Hilda, quick!" I did what the person told me to, and soon we reached the back of the cave. I was suprised what I saw.

There were so many pokemon in there! It was like a secret valley at the back of a forest of dead trees and darkness. When I looked some more, I saw a small gem. I was suprised. It was like my pendent, except it was black and white instead of red and blue. The gem was kept in a small shrine.

The person than took off the hood on the cloak, to reveal a girl with a similer hairstyle to me. Two braids were white and were on the sides, while there was a black braid in the middle. What shocked me were the girl's eyes. One was red, and one was blue.

The girl saw my stunned expresion and laughed. "It's my eyes, isn't it?" This was the first time I heard her talk in a voice that wasn't serious. "Ok Hilda, it's about time I'd introuduce myself. My real name is Zekshirom, but my nickname is Ellie. I sent you that dream back when you were in Striaton City."

I was shocked. A human sent me a dream? Then, Zekshirom took off her cloak. She had drapes connected to her sleeves, they were white. her dress was red and blue, like my pendent and her eyes. She also had a black scarf, and black and white shoes.

Zekshirom chuckled at my face. "You still don't get it do you. I have been watching you since the day you moved to Striaton City. You see, I am the child of Reshiram and Zekrom. The child pokemon, Zekshirom."

Chapter 4: Zekshirom's true form and a New Traveler

As I stared, shocked, Zekshirom went over to the little shrine and turned to me. "I'll show you what I mean, Hilda." Then she picked up the stone, and a light engulfed her. When the light disappered, Zekshirom had turned into a dragon, about the size of two oshawotts. She had white wings for her arms, and black wings on her back. Her head was white, with the hairstyle she had when she was human. Her body was white, and she had black legs. Her tail was a cone shape, and was black and white, in a pattern.

She climbed up a tree. "Isn't it dangerous to be up there?" Zekshirom shook her head, then spread out her arm-wings, and tryed to fly around the valley. She flew ok at first, but soon she started to decended quickly, so I caught her. "Sorry, its just that I'm not in this form much, so I'm not that good of a flyer." "It's ok Zekshirom." She sighed a breath of relief, and then looked deep in thought.

She then climbed up onto my shoulder. "Does this tickle much?" I said, "No," and asked why she wanted to know. "Because this is how I wanna travel." "Since when did I say you could come with me?" I grumped, since she had pretty mush invited herslf into the group without letting me have my say. Zekshirom said that she was coming because she wanted to protect me and the others from dangers that they couldn't face by themselves, like legendary pokemon that attacked them and any evil groups they didn't know about. I asked why she said others, and she answered, "Because you are traveling with other people, right?" As soon as she said that, I realized I had forgotten about the group! "Well then what are we waiting for? We need to get back to the others!" Then I quickly stopped to tell her something. " But this doesn't mean your a permenent traveler!", much to her dislike. Then I stopped again outside and realized I wouldn't know where to find them. As if she read my mind, Zekshirom (or Ellie) put one foot on each shoulder, attached to them tightly, and started flapping her wings. Soon we were flying over the forest.

As we flew off, however, someone was watching us. Someone who wanted Zekshirom's power for himself, and himself only.

My First Fan-Fic Critique

So here's how I see it:

1. Making it based in the show cannon was a BAD move. The show "shows" everything important, therefor, any story based in the anime that's not a prologue and contains Ash is setting itself up for failure.

2. Chapter's are too short and their names are very poor. Making the chapters more detailed and writing the chapter's name AFTER you write the chapter would be some great improvements IMO.

3. The strange bundle of deleted posts (5? Really?) are queer, and could have easily been avoided if you had planned this whole fan-fic out ahead of time (an assumption on my part).

4. The title makes me cringe. Naming something "Legendary Adventures" is like naming something, "Danger-Quest". Duh, your adventure will be legendary, as many other stories, so try naming it something creative and informative. Something that really speaks about the tale you've been writing.

There are a lot of good things about your story too, but my job as a critiquer is to help you improve, and point out flaws. Keep on writing! - Tom

Tomandgreen said:

1. Making it based in the show cannon was a BAD move. The show "shows" everything important, therefor, any story based in the anime that's not a prologue and contains Ash is setting itself up for failure.

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wat.

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with basing a fanfic in canon. Granted, one would have a tough time creating a journey fic wherein an OC jumps in and decides to be part of Ash's group, but it can be done (especially if a person wants to wave the AU wand... and, well, makes it not be a train wreck after that). There are, of course, issues that would make a fic a train wreck, but which canon it's based on is not one of them. Disregarding canon completely or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, making it essentially be a word-for-word copy of each episode are what would turn an anime fic into a pile of questionable content, but blowing it off just because it's in a certain canon is superficial.

3. The strange bundle of deleted posts (5? Really?) are queer,

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They were a combination of juniebug's announcements and accidental double-postings. While, yes, it's still rather taboo to have bucketloads of one-liner announcements that could easily be made if the edit button was used, it's not a by-product of a failure to plan. (Even the double-posting can easily be explained through the fact that we had server hiccups recently.) I'm not even sure how you managed to make the connection between deleted posts and failure to plan. One would think that if she failed to plan her fic, she'd just leave it up as-is.

Really, the only thing you pointed out that I agree with (title could go either way with me) was the second point, and even this is a superficial matter that shows you didn't bother to sit down and read what juniebug actually wrote, if you don't mind me being blunt. Here's a tip: if you want to critique someone's work, spend more than five seconds looking at it.


Now, juniebug. I'm not going to be overly harsh on you because that's not what you need right now, but let me get started by expanding on the only thing Tomandgreen said that I completely agree with. If you're writing your work right on the forums (as in, if you're just hitting Post Reply or New Thread and writing your fic right there), don't. You're not giving yourself enough time to expand on what's going on by doing that. Instead, open up a word processor (like Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or Google Docs) and write your work there, saving whenever you feel like you need to get up before a chapter is finished. That way, you don't feel compelled to rush through a chapter.

Now, the reason why I say this is because this was incredibly difficult to get into. A lot of the time, you opted for telling instead of showing. For example, when Hilda is picking out her Pokémon, one would think that'd be a great way to introduce her character, right? She'd have to think carefully about what Pokémon she's going to choose, and she'll need to interact with each Pokémon before she settles on a decision (or she'll have to go through the pros and cons of each). Not to mention she'll probably be interacting with her Pokémon after she decides, right?

That doesn't happen here. Instead, her Pokémon choice -- one of the most important decisions a trainer has to make because that Pokémon would most likely be with them for a long time -- is boiled down to a single sentence. We can't picture what's going on in our minds because there's no detail, no dialogue, nothing to help us imagine how that decision was made. So, right off the bat, we fall short of connecting with Hilda and beginning to understand her.

Same thing happens in the other chapters, really. We don't get a good glimpse of what dream Ash is talking about in chapter two (and it took me a moment to realize that the bold text was supposed to be her dreams), the battle against Team Rocket and reunion between Fennel and Musharna was condensed to a single sentence (altogether, no less), and the beginning of chapter three seems rushed because it's just summarizing what's going on. Even Zekshirom's explanation of why she's traveling with Hilda is condensed down to a paragraph, so we don't get a chance to see Hilda's reactions to what the legendary says. (I mean, she's being told that powerful Pokémon are going to attack her for seemingly no apparent reason. I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be taking it that well.) So, yeah. Avoid summarizing. Summarizing is a bad habit to fall into, especially if your story ends up relying on it.

Beyond that, it's hard to say how I feel about this fic because I felt so detached from it. I couldn't exactly picture what was going on because of all the summarizing that was happening, and it feels like, even by the time Ellie joined Hilda, there's not much in the way of direction. I'm not entirely clear as to why this has to be an anime AU because it feels like Hilda's presence isn't really changing what happened with Ash and company in the actual show. Moreover, I'm not quite sure what Hilda is setting out to do. I'm guessing Ellie wants her to go find this legendary she told her about earlier, but it's rather awkward that she just joined up with Hilda without fully explaining why she appeared before the human and what she wants her to do.

Also, you'll probably want to get a beta reader too. Spell check via the word processors should take care of a number of errors (like "jem" instead of "gem" -- an error which made the nostalgic 80's child in me giggle like crazy), but there's also oddities like the paragraphing error in the last chapter. (Remember that you should start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes.)

So, it's not bad for a first try, but yeah, you'll want to get yourself a word processor and slow down a bit. Maybe find someone to help you out there, too.

JX Valentine said:

wat.

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with basing a fanfic in canon. Granted, one would have a tough time creating a journey fic wherein an OC jumps in and decides to be part of Ash's group, but it can be done (especially if a person wants to wave the AU wand... and, well, makes it not be a train wreck after that). There are, of course, issues that would make a fic a train wreck, but which canon it's based on is not one of them. Disregarding canon completely or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, making it essentially be a word-for-word copy of each episode are what would turn an anime fic into a pile of questionable content, but blowing it off just because it's in a certain canon is superficial.



They were a combination of juniebug's announcements and accidental double-postings. While, yes, it's still rather taboo to have bucketloads of one-liner announcements that could easily be made if the edit button was used, it's not a by-product of a failure to plan. (Even the double-posting can easily be explained through the fact that we had server hiccups recently.) I'm not even sure how you managed to make the connection between deleted posts and failure to plan. One would think that if she failed to plan her fic, she'd just leave it up as-is.

Click to expand...

Thanks for standing up for me. And I read your advice too. I'll take both yours, and psyanic's feedback and tips to improve. I edited the first chapter, so if you wanna read it again, go ahead! I also didn't post the whole battle with Team Rocket because, this may suprise you, I didn't plot this story out. This is something I made up right out of the blue. I know, most plot it out, but I just make this up as I go.

juniebug910 said:

This is a one-shot, something I made up right out of the blue. I know, most plot it out, but I just make this up as I go.

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Just to let you know, a one-shot is a story that has only one installment. It doesn't have chapters.

More than that, even if you do make it up as you go, you'll still want to write it all on a word processor, and you'll still want to flesh everything out a bit more. Otherwise, it looks like there's parts that should be important or otherwise full of action that are just glossed over, leaving the reader with the feeling that they're missing something.

ok, thanks! You rock a whole bunch! Keep following my fanfic, if you can!

Chapter 5: Reunion and Powers

We flew above the forest, keeping a sharp look out for the group. Soon, Zekshirom motioned her head over to a spot in the forest and asked, "Is that them?" I looked and confirmed it was them! When we started to fly down to the others, a huge robot dropped in front of them. And who came out but Team Rocket. I was getting a bit annoyed of seeing them all the time.

The battle carried on for a while, but soon became one sided, and it was on Team Rocket's side. Then Zekshirom told me to duck down, which I did. Soon after, I felt heat rushing over my head. Fusion Flare! Everyone turned to us in shock.

I ducked again, and Zekshirom shot a Fusion Bolt at the robot. Jessie sent out her Woobat, which attacked us with Air Slash. Luckily, Zekshirom was fast, so we were able to dodge it. I called out Oshawott, since we landed on a tall rock, and it used Water Gun to finish Woobat off. Then, Zekshirom's eyes flashed in a pattern before they glowed for what seemed like 10 minutes. Her tail acted like the glowing areas were gears, the red rings went left and the blue rings went right. Then she shot what looked like a mix of Fusion Flare and Fusion Bolt. It blew up the mecha, with a lot of smoke left behind. Team Rocket flew away in jetpacks, but not before saying stuff to us. "We'll come back you two!", Jessie exclaimed, with James adding, "Yeah, and we'll snag Pikachu, Oshawott, and that wierd pokemon!" When the purple haired man said that line, Zekshirom growled.

As we flew down, the others congratulated and thanked us for getting rid of them. When Iris asked what was the last move Zekshirom used, she responded, "Fusion Combo, it's my exclusive move." Then I turned to the little dragon pokemon and announced that she was now a permanent member, which excited both her and the group. Now, it was on to Nacrene City, with our new traveling friend and partner!
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CONTEST! If you read the last two chapters, there is a description for both of Zekshirom's forms. Whoever can draw a picture matching the descriptions the best wins! It doesn't matter whether you make on the computer or with paper and other drawing real life materials. There will be a top five in the end, so do your best and good luck to the contestents and the entries!

EDIT: I forgot to mention that there will have to be AT LEAST 5 contestants for the contest to happen. I will announce the winner in Chapter 13. So, like I said before, GOOD LUCK!
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Lol, sorry no updates for a long time, but my inner mind of writing isn't responding to my brain right now. I know, it's wierd, but it's true! Btw, If you have a serebii account, my username actually is zekshirom. I know, I'M SO ORIGINAL ARN'T I? Lol! Anyway, when I'm not busy with serebii or anything else, I usually check my profile comments or update the story, so keep following!
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I was to busy to update, ok? Ok? OK?????? Good.

No more story

Sorry guys, but I'm abandoning this story. I like writing fanfics, but with serebii and school and everything, I don't have time to update. So really sorry, but it's either this or get complaints about not updating in forever. Sorry.

Since it's abandoned, I'll close it to save it from any sort of bumping. If you want it open again, just send a message to either me or bobandbill to open it up for you again.