Might as well review. I'm itching for some action. About the format for chapter 1, just leave it as is. Making it bigger doesn't make it seem longer. It's just harder to read. In the future, just use default.
“Why is it that at the age of ten years old, children are permitted to leave home and freely wonder the land? Why is it that it is safe?
Is it safe?
These are but a few of the most commonly asked questions in the world of Pokémon. And the answer that answers nearly all of them is, ‘It is not safe... alone...’
Nothing else needs to be said. Everything will soon be revealed, just shut your mouth and open your ears, the answers will be given. But the answers cannot be received unless you reach for them. ‘Can you reach?’ is not the correct question to ask. The real question is ‘
Will you reach?’ For if you cannot reach, then you can never attain your goals...”
Okay right here. It's a large quote from Professor Oak right? Don't space it out. Just make it into a large nice flowing speech, in one paragraph. No spacing, no skipping lines, just one. It's long enough but when you split it up, it only made it a bit more confusing.
These were the very words that the pokemon professor, Oak, spoke to us when he visited our class on the previous day. These words spoke to me. I had copied them on to a sheet of paper, using my neatest hand-writing possible, and put it in a picture frame on my black wood dresser. I turned around and looked all over my room, the neatly shelved books on one side, and my closet on the other...
So this is pretty much your second paragraph. And boy is it one wall of text. Try to split it up into more neat segments. Makes it so that it gives it more flavor to the eyes and it just looks better. I just quoted about half of it, but you get my point.
I stormed straight in my room and tore down all of my posters and through all of my things on the ground, then I jumped on to the bed and cried myself to sleep.
I call these a synopsis. This is an emotional scene, correct? Add a bit more description of it, mix it in with confusion and questioning. The father died, and this is in first person. Think as your character would. Try to understand how and write that down.
"Why was he taken?" "How could this happen?"
-Yeah cliched lines, but you get my point. I always believe first person must always dwell on the mind, as that is the main element of first person narrative.
My mother was a 39 year old woman who frequently wore a white business woman suit and high-heels with silk panty hose. She approached me and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier honey, but I’ve decided to take a job as an assistant at professor Birch’s Pokémon lab in Hoenn. I knew you wouldn’t want to go, and this is your thirteenth birthday, so I decided that I’m going to let you go off on a journey,"
I need a space here
“Seriously? I get to leave here, and pursue a career as a pokemon trainer?” I asked,
more excited than I had been in years.
This happens pretty much throughout your whole story, but if I point it out once you should get my concept. Space it out, just helps with the formatting. Then here is another example I bolded. Okay, you're excited. Shouldn't you feel something else? Heart beating faster, quite of shock, a drip of sweat, wide pupils, something to show it rather than just saying "I'm excited." Attempt to make it more interesting.
I heard some loud noises
comming from outside.
Just a typo, but it's "coming". But, I don't really think you need this verb at all. Even rewriting the sentence as "I heard some loud noises outside." Try to keep it more fluid and less wordy.
So, your story has a nice background and actually has a plot. Check. But now, how are you explicating them? Remember, help the reader visualize as much as possible, and I'm not solely talking about setting. Characters and their mannerisms are also important, so try to add in a bit of characterization . For example, add in a bad habit of some sort a character does so we can identify or relate to him/her.
Be a bit more reactive to situations. Especially situations that are going to be stressful. I mean, kids around the United State whine to their mothers because they can't play another level of Call of Duty. If their father died, what would you do? It's a big event and I want to see some explications and imagery.
I stormed straight in my room and tore down all of my posters and
through all of my things on the ground, then I jumped on to the bed and cried myself to sleep.
That's the passage I'm talking about. And I also noticed a mistake. The correct form of the verb is "threw", as "through" is a preposition in most cases.
So back to what I was saying about first person? Add thoughts in. They really speak a lot about characters. I mean, their thought process pretty much sums up their personality and characteristics. Lacking that, you'll be hard pressed to mix in character development.
Okay, so this pretty much concludes my review of your prologue. Too tired to go on right now. But I hope this is enough to help you and your fanfic. Good luck, and if you have anymore questions, you can just message me or respond here.
See you around!