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Old January 7th, 2012 (7:07 PM).
Lucifer-san's Avatar
Lucifer-san Lucifer-san is offline
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Developer Notes: This is my first piece in the fan-fiction and many of you most likely do not know me as I am rather new to the scene of this forum. However I feel as though I must contribute something to this forum instead of asking for help in other things but that is nothing but a formality. Now onto my notes about the actual piece that I am typing right now, I find that this story is an extension of something that I wanted to do for awhile now but never had the time to figure out what is needed to make what I want. In the end I decided to tell the story so I at least can spread it so here it is for your viewing pleasure. Also a note of advisory though right now this is a pretty straight-forward piece it will have mild-violence and some foul language so yeah enjoy I guess.

Chapter 1:
A Place On The Edge Of Time

"A world is an ocean but we do not know where we actually exist in this dimension." "Are we tools to produce a proper guide......or tools to send this dimension into conflict once more?" "After achieving this state it is very hard to describe how my former humanity was like, the only things I can recall would be my name, and my will left to this world." "I hope that all these people remember what I have done, what I have sacrificed to let this universe have the peace it originally had." "Well in the end it was good thing that all this trouble was aimed at me in the end, the only complaint I should have is losing my true form...." "This is my final will to the people this gem has chosen to play a role in my awakening......I trust to all of you a small piece of me." "The Four Gems of Night, Dawn, Dusk, and Day these things give but a minuscule of my power and I trust them to you......" "In the end I hope that all of the saviors of the next universe can solve my problem." As the being utters his final words he would begin to fade into a rift throughout time and space and would begin its long sleep so that its universe could retain peace. However as it falls into a deep sleep its final wish would begin to come true. As we look off through time and space a new dimension is beginning to form out of the four gems that the being had sent away in hopes of fulfilling his to wish. As the dimension finally forms into a complete form we begin to dive into it to see that one of our heroes is preparing to start his journey in the world of Pokemon so let us watch as the story unfold for our hero.

As we peer off into the distance we can see a house on the edge of the sea and this is where our hero is getting ready for his journey off into Crestsoft Town hoping to obtain his first Pokemon from Professor Lock, however he is running a bit late.

: "Drey make sure your bag is packed and get down here quick or you'll be late for the Professor."

:" Alright Mom I am on my way down stairs right now just have to do some double checking real quick." "Alright I have my Region Map, Clothes, and my PDA Phone." "Now I think that I am set to go alright lets go!"

After Drey had slung his backpack over his shoulder and went down the the stairs lightning fast. He said a quick goodbye to his mom and then ran outside and got on his bike and rode off into the distance.

Drey's Mom
: Like Father like Son they both sped off into the distance without thinking about how others may feel about what they do but that characteristic is what defines them.....Heh."

As Drey rides off from his town as he passes by his neighbors he says quick goodbyes to him then rides on and before leaving town he makes a stop at his good friend Julie's house. He ties his bike up on a chain and attaches it to the pole in front of Julie's house and runs up to the door and knocks on the door like mad man. After a few minutes a young-looking woman opens the door and invites Drey in. Drey walks in and notices that Julie isn't downstairs, so he runs up the stairs and goes into her room.

: "JULIE!!" "I'm going on my journey now I am gonna become a trainer before you and have super strong Pokemon they'll be so strong I'll become champion now bye-bye."

: "Wait wha-...."

: "No time to waste bye Julie I am gonna be the best Pokemon trainer in the world hahaha.."

After this strange goodbye to his friend Julie, Drey ran down the stairs very quickly and rushed outside and unchained his bike and rode off to the Professor's Lab. As Drey rode he saw the beautiful landscape and saw many Pokemon. One notable thing that he saw as riding was a herd of Rattata fighting over a few berries so he got up up and ran over and helped split the berries in half so both sides would have an equal amount. He even gave them both one extra berry from his supply and then got back on his bike and rode off while waving bye to the Rattata. After 2 hours of riding his bike Drey finally reached the town and headed for the Professor's lab immediately.

: "If I'm correct the lab should be somewhere around here...."

As soon as Drey looked up he saw the prestigious Pokemon lab and rushed up the hill and ran inside. He saw the Professor, recognizing him from his picture, and ran up to him.

: "Sir can I please get my Pokemon?" "I have my ticket right here..."

As Drey reached into his pocket he picked up a piece of paper and picked it out of his pocket and held it out to be seen.

Prof. Lock:"Okay son then come right over here and you can get your Pokemon...."

The Professor then guided Drey over to a rack full of pokeballs exclaiming that these are the choices of Pokemon to pick. As Drey examined the pokeballs he saw one and picked it up and the Professor said that this was an Eevee and that it had come in from a stray trainer who gave it up and that he had been looking for a trainer it. After Drey had heard this he told the Professor to give him the Eevee and with this Drey had finally began his journey.

After running out of the lab a kid ran straight up the stairs and Drey and him bumped into each other and as soon as the other kid got up they got into an argument.

Drey: "Hey kid you should watch where you're going we could've gotten injured.."

???: "No you should watch where you're going and now you have to battle me you punk!"

As they both got up they decided to go battle in the field nearby and so they both sent forth their Pokemon.

Drey: "Come on out, Eevee!"

???: "Get ready for this." "Go Totodile!"

After sending out his Pokemon Drey read its abilities with his PDA Phone and found out it held many moves and as he hoped it would listen to him he told Eevee to use Shadow Ball. As Eevee was told to do this it charged up a Shadow Ball and launched it as the opposing trainer saw this he told Totodile to jump and dodge the Shadow Ball and that it did but then as the Shadow Ball whooshed by the Totodile Drey's Eevee used Bite and bit the Totodile. However Totodile easily threw Eevee up in the air but with quick reaction time Drey's Eevee launched a Shadow Ball delivering a critical blow to the other trainer's Totodile. As Eevee then picked up momentum from falling Drey commanded Eevee to use Tackle and as Eevee used tackle on Totodile the momentum gave it much power and the Tackle knocked out Totodile.

???: "This worthless Pokemon I don't know why that stupid Professor gave me this thing but its a Pokemon nonetheless." "So you keep battling and i'll show you that you're the weakest trainer ever....Heh"

Drey: "Seriously dude you just got owned by a newb so doesn't that mean you suck...?"

Axel: "Uh.....My name's Axel now just remember that!"

After saying this Axel ran off very quickly into the nearby woods and Drey began his journey to the nearby town of Outak Town and continue his journey throughout the region of Yamitan. However, from the distance we can over-hear a conversation.

???&???: "Sir we have found your son, do you wish for his return to you right away?"

???: "No....let him roam and get stronger because right now he doesn't even compare to the lowest of the low of my grunts." "So for now simply just watch his activity."

???&???: "Alright Boss." "We will await further orders from you later."
I arise from the dead, finally.
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Old January 8th, 2012 (4:37 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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Welcome to the section!

I'll just mention some points on presentation as that's a fairly important aspect of writing on forums. Firstly, I'd suggest avoiding using different text colours for different characters; it's not normally hard for one to keep track of who is saying what, and it can be hard to read on certain PC skins/styles (for instance the bright green text is hard for me to read on this white/blue background I am using atm). Just stick to the default.

I'd also suggest dropping the script format you have (ie ???: "I say words." in the Name: aspect)- that's more used for scripts and as your story isn't fully presented as one (lack of stage directions for one) I don't feel it's necessary; somewhat out of place if anything like so so try sticking to the usual way, so to speak (E.g. "Dialogue," said Person).

Watch for small mistakes here and there in your writing as well; for instance:
As Drey rides off from his town as he passes by his neighbors he says quick goodbyes to him then rides on and before leaving town he makes a stop at his good friend Julie's house. He ties his bike up on a chain and attaches it to the pole in front of Julie's house and runs up to the door and knocks on the door like mad man.
The first sentence is a run on - it continues and continues even though it should have ended earlier and sounds rushed as a result it is particular evident if you read out loud and this sentence should be a good example of one as well. =p Bits like 'he says quick goodbyes to him' is confusing as well as it suggests he says goodbye to himself while passing his neighbors whose gender/s have not yet been mentioned. The end of the second sentence could also use an 'a' before madman (as one word rather than two, but both are valid). Basically make sure that sentences sound complete/sensible.

Eevee being given as a starting Pokemon because the original trainer abandoned it, and it knowing a fairly strong move in Shadow Ball is a bit hard to believe tbh, as it's awfully convenient and odd that someone would give up what is regarded as a rare Pokemon in Eevee so easily as well... and that it immediately trusted this new trainer as well.

Lastly, some more description on how characters react would add to the story as well. For instance we can tell Drey and Axel are in an argument because you state that fact, but you could also show this. Saying how they talk (loudly? angrily?) can tell us enough to let us figure out they are arguing without saying so directly, which is basically a more engaging way to convey that information to us.

Furthermore, showing us how characters react to events can help us visualise said events better too. The battle was mostly 'Eevee did ____ Totodile then ___' in style, without much shown on how say Totodile reacted to getting hit by a pretty powerful attack in Shadow Ball (cry of pain maybe? Or a growl as it lashed back? And so forth; there's a lot of options so consider them). Trainers themselves could also react to how the battle goes, on that note. As for the battle itself, try going into more detail with the actions/fighting itself. 'used Bite' is somewhat vague and dull, and Pokemon battles are ideally meant to be the most exciting part of a fic too in many cases.

Hopefully that's of help to you. You have a good basis here already, certainly; it just needs some touching up. Fix that presentation first though as if something is hard to read for something, it's not likely that they'd continue reading it if they can read another that's better presented.

Good luck with the rest of your fic!
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