"Welcome to P-Town" (PG-13)

Started by Pogiforce-14 January 6th, 2005 9:34 AM
  • 714 views
  • 17 replies
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
A poem about where I live. A rather negative poem. I censored out one word due to teh context, but if you understand that each line rhymes with every other line in the stanza, I think you'll figure out what word it is.

"P-Town"
Welcome to P-Town,
a place where people frown,
turn the world upside down,
can't go no further down.

The buildings, they're assunder,
will fall by roll of thunder,
home for crooks and plunder,
the bottom they are under.

The guys are all jocks,
heads hard as rocks,
Talkin' 'bout *****,
holes in their socks.
The girls all the while
fool around with the bile
and don't care if they defile
their holy temple. Got no style.

This written by a bro
in a place where life's a show
with no ability to flow
and got no where to go.

Told you about my town.
I hope I made you frown.
My world is upside down.
Can't go no further down.


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Seen March 30th, 2005
Posted March 11th, 2005
1,912 posts
18.6 Years
Awws, that poem is so depressing. ;-; Well, I do like how each stanza rhymed with itself. XD Even though it was sad, it really made me think. My hometown is a peaceful place, but now I have a whole new perspective of what others have to go through. Really, wherever you live does have an effect on the person. If you live in a peaceful place, your outlook on life is likely to be optimistic. But if your town seems dirty and grundgy, then your outlook on life can be pessimistic. Well, overall the poem was good. It just makes me feel so sad! ;-;

~Kelsey
*)
..*) .*)
(. (.` ♥ Kelsey

Now officially moving to a new name, with Steve's OK, I shall now be known as Mori Seirei. ^.~

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
Nicely written from an emotional standpoint, very evocative. A few technical corrections, though (at least from my sensibilities). They're in red. Some are just typos, a few other make the poem flow better in my mind.

"P-Town"
Welcome to P-Town,
a place where people frown,
turn the world upside down,
can't go no further down.
The buildings, they're torn asunder,
will fall by roll of thunder,
home for crooks and home for plunder,
the bottom they are under.
The guys are all jocks,
heads hard as rocks,
Talkin' 'bout *****,
holes in their socks.
The girls all the while
fool around with the bile
and don't care if they defile
their holy temple. Got no style.
This written by a bro
in a place where life's a show
with no ability to flow
and he's got no where to go.
Told you about my town.
I hope I made you frown.
My world is upside down.
Can't go no further down.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
The second Home for and the he's slows it down too much. It's meant to be much like a rap, fast and quick to rhyme, to best also reflect the social standpoint of where I live.

As for the typos, I can fix those.

edit" also, the word torn,it doesn't work. The building are old. delapidated. Torn would suggest like a bombing or something like that and even though we get plenty of bomb threats, no one follows through. So torn will not work there. Just "assunder" will do. The adjective on it's own is fine. the verb isn't necessary.


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0215 7344 5643


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~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
In that case, I'd take out the and, change that bit to "With no ability to flow/Got no where to go."
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
that comes from the prestated line: Got no ability to flow. I have no true rapping prowess, so there is no harm in letting that shine through in the poem, if only to prove that one line.


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~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
It's preferable, however, to always avoid beginning a sentence (or line in a poem) with "And." In this case, removing that particular and makes it flow better and makes the entire stanza feel grittier.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
but as I said, I don't WANT it to flow better. And poetic license allows one to being a sentence as they wish. In true grammar it may be bad to begin a sentence with And, but in a line of a poem it's perfectly fine. I've seen several poems by old and well esteemed poets have lines beginning with and. So that's not so much of a grammar issue anyway.

Besides, if I put the whole thing in proper grammar, it wouldn't be much of a poem, now would it? ;)


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~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
Fine, fine, whatever. :P

I still don't like any poetic line that begins with and, I still think it breaks it up, makes it overly choppy.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
I personally have problems with free verse, though. Understandably, then, my instinct is to mke it sound better to my ears.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
No, actually, I haven't. I only pop in Poetry rarely.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 35
Magma Colosseum
Seen February 23rd, 2009
Posted December 11th, 2008
6,158 posts
19.6 Years
As of right now, though, after having read it a week after I wrote it, this poem appauls me. It's completely out of my style, and the fact I get a little profane in it makes me think it best if I avoid writing another poem like this as much as possible. I already tend to remove it from my poetry book.


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1676-0779-0037
Pearl:
0215 7344 5643


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