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Old February 10th, 2012 (6:25 AM).
Brisingr122194's Avatar
Brisingr122194 Brisingr122194 is offline
Brisingr Master
    Join Date: Feb 2012
    Location: Kanto
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Relaxed
    Posts: 15
    Rated PG-14 Tragedy.
    If any one wants to comment on this story just send me a pm or vm.
    Just for everyone to know the Seviper is a shiny Seviper.

    One day Dawn out walking in the jungle having fun and minding her own business,
    little did she know that a pair of eyes were staring right at her. The eyes belonged to none other then a 40 foot Seviper that could talk and had hypnotic powers. Seviper said “Say now what do we have here?” It’s a girl walking all alone in the jungle she will make a fine meal i’ll just follow her and wait for her to go to sleep then I’ll make my move.

    Dawn/ Man it is so fun walking in the jungle it is so peaceful out here the sun is out pokemon are having fun, and the breeze is blowing softly. A few hours later, man I’m getting very tired I think I’m going to take a nap by this tree . Seviper ha nows my chance ill just lower my tail and pull her up. As Dawn was resting she all of a sudden felt something start to wrap her up it started at her stomach and pinned her arms down. Hey what is going on? Why are there coils around me? Someone help me please help! As soon as Dawn said that a coil went around her mouth and she was slowly brought up into the tree. As soon as she stopped a seviper was watching her struggle

    Seviper/ Hello little girl what are you doing way out here all by yourself. Don’t you know that there are scary pokemon out here that can hurt you?
    Dawn/ As Dawn was struggling to get out of the coils she heard the pokemon talk and froze with fear and bewilderment.

    End of chapter 1
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    Old February 10th, 2012 (8:14 AM). Edited February 12th, 2012 by Brisingr122194.
    Brisingr122194's Avatar
    Brisingr122194 Brisingr122194 is offline
    Brisingr Master
      Join Date: Feb 2012
      Location: Kanto
      Gender: Male
      Nature: Relaxed
      Posts: 15
      Dawn just couldn’t believe what she was hearing a pokemon talked. Seviper/ hello so what are you doing all the way out here? Seviper asked as he removed the coil from her mouth.

      Dawn/ stared at the seviper for awhile wondering if it was safe to talk to him. After thinking about it she finally said “ Hi I was enjoying a walk until you grabbed me and brought me up here!”
      Seviper/ I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you I just wanted to say hi and talk to you I get so lonely up here.

      Dawn/ oh well you could have came down and woke me up instead of scaring me like that. Seviper/ I’m sorry. Dawn/ so what do you want to talk about?
      Seviper/ Well why do humans capture pokemon? Dawn/ well that’s a big subject. You see, seviper and dawn talked and talked about tons of stuff that had to do with pokemon being captured till it was time for dinner.

      Dawn/ man I’m hungry.

      Seviper/ would you like to come to my place for dinner? Seviper asked with a strange look in his eyes. Dawn noticed it but didn’t think about it very long.

      end of chapter 2 sorry it isn't very long

      Chapter 3

      So Dawn went with Seviper to his home. Dawn “ So Seviper how long have you lived in this jungle?” Seviper “long enough to be over fifty years old.”
      Dawn “ Wow that’s a long time. Do you ever get lonely out here by yourself?”
      Seviper “Yes all the time.” “No one likes to hang out with me. So most of the time I just sit all by my self with no one else around.”

      Dawn “Oh man I’m starting to feel really bad for this Seviper”
      Seviper “What would you like to eat? There is an apple tree right over there. Would you like one of those.”
      Dawn “Yes please. They look very good.”

      After Dawn ate some apples she fell back and sat down on the ground.
      Seviper “Are you full?”
      Dawn “Yes. Thank you.” Aren’t you going to eat?
      Seviper “Yes I’m going to eat you.”
      Dawn “WHAT!?”

      Before Dawn could grab one of her pokemon balls Seviper coiled around her and started to hypnotize her.

      Seviper “You shouldn’t trust pokemon or people you run into so quickly”
      Dawn “What pretty eyes I can’t look away.”
      Seviper “Yes keep looking into my eyes you know you don’t want to stop.”

      After a couple of minutes of Seviper hypnotizing Dawn she finally becomes his slave.
      Seviper “So what should I do with you first before I eat you?” hmm I don’t know your name. what is it my dear?

      Dawn “My name is Dawn.” She said with a huge smile on her face.
      Seviper “Well Dawn.” What should I do with you first? Should I eat you or have you do tricks? Dawn “Which ever one you choose master is alright by me”

      Seviper thought about it for a while. “I know why don’t you do a back flip.” He said as he started to uncoil her. So Dawn stood up and did ten backflips. “is that good for you master, or do you want me to do more?” seviper thought about something else he could have her do, and came up with a hard one. “ Here is something else you can do. You are going to battle me. if you win you are free to go, but if you lose I get to eat you.”

      “Alright master, but am I allowed to use my pokemon?”
      “No Dawn just you and me.”
      “Ok then lets start”

      So they both got ready to begin to dual. “Alright Dawn it’s time to Fight”
      “Ok master i’m not going to hold back”

      Seviper started out the attack by using wrap, but Dawn evaded it, and went in to try and punch Seviper. After about ten minutes of dualing seviper made went in with a bite which Dawn evaded, but she didn’t see his tail come up from behind, and grab her by the stomach. “Well Dawn you lost now I get to eat you. Are you ready?”
      “Sure thing.” “Aright here I go”

      So seviper started to open his jaws, and when he got them fully open he started to eat her first by the head, and slowly making his way down to the stomach. Dawn was enjoying being eaten( she is hypnotized by the way) and loved the fill of seviper’s muscles pulling her futher down his throat. As seviper continued to work his way down dawns body he got to the stomach, and the rest of her started to slip down easier. He finally made it to the legs, and to help those down he lifted his head and allowed gravity to do it’s job.

      As soon as Dawn feet went down his throat Seviper closed his mouth, and stretched out his coils to allow Dawn’s body to move to his stomach easier.

      When Dawn hit the stomach she woke up. “ eww gross, where am I?” Seviper let me out of here.

      Seviper “no can do Dawn you are my meal now!”

      The end if you want to comment send me a pm or vm.
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      Old February 10th, 2012 (2:10 PM).
      Astinus's Avatar
      Astinus Astinus is offline
      Remember NovEnder
        Join Date: May 2006
        Location: Connecticut, USA
        Age: 31
        Gender: Male
        Posts: 10,062
        Did you even follow the advice I gave you over PM? I pointed out the mistakes that you made and corrected them, and you didn't follow them.

        You need punctuation and proper capitalization to make your story readable. The way it is now, it's difficult to tell what's dialogue and what's narration. In the PM, I included quotation marks - "" - to separate the dialogue from narration. I'm not sure where you picked up using slash marks before dialogue, and sometimes not even before dialogue, as in the first line of your second chapter.

        You also need to capitalize the pronoun "I".

        Why won't Dawn use her Pokemon? If she's walking anywhere she'd have her Pokemon with her. And I don't think that she'd be fully willing to trust any talking Pokemon given her battles against Team Rocket.

        You still need quite a bit of work to improve readability. I'll leave this open, but realize that the advice you're getting is to help you improve. If you have any questions about the response you're getting, feel free to ask, but you shouldn't ignore it.

        The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
        Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
        An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
        Sadly, these are things I'll never become

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        Old February 10th, 2012 (8:45 PM).
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        SuperTrainStationH SuperTrainStationH is offline
          Join Date: Nov 2011
          Gender: Male
          Posts: 50
          Not to be negative, but for a fic about Dawn encountering a 40 foot long Seviper with hypnotic powers, I was really let down.

          The number one thing I'd say is, I don't want to merely be told that Dawn and this Seviper had a discussion. I'd like to actually SEE and HEAR what they talk about.

          I think you probably have a lot of really exciting ideas in your head, but I'd first suggest you practice on some of the fundamentals and conventions of English grammar and style before publishing any more of this or any other fic.

          Once you get your technical shortcomings into gear, I can't wait to find out if Seviper swallows Dawn whole or not! :o

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          Old February 11th, 2012 (5:22 PM). Edited February 18th, 2012 by Brisingr122194.
          Brisingr122194's Avatar
          Brisingr122194 Brisingr122194 is offline
          Brisingr Master
            Join Date: Feb 2012
            Location: Kanto
            Gender: Male
            Nature: Relaxed
            Posts: 15
            how do you like it i tried in the last chapter to follow all the rules i hope people like it
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