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the unicorn princess

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Old March 29th, 2012 (6:16 PM).
Moon Dreamer's Avatar
Moon Dreamer Moon Dreamer is offline
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    long ago in the far away land called ruby land there was a beautiful princess named raven
    one day raven was walking in a forest when she came across a witch with dark powers
    the witch spotted her and transformed raven into a unicorn, crackling evilly the witch explained that the spell can only be broken if the princess found a extremely rare gem stone called white onyx.

    the witch left in a puff of smoke and the poor princess began to weep for she did not know where to begin looking for the stone that will break the spell raven began on her journey to find the gem that will return her to normal when she stumbled upon a baby dragon caught in a trap, the little dragon begged the princess to get it free. raven felt sorry for the young dragon so she helped it escape from the trap, the dragon introduced itself as stormy and asked raven if she could come along and help the princess with her quest raven obliged so off they went together to find the legendary white onyx

    a few weeks have passed when raven and stormy came upon a magical pond that revealed your deepest desires when you look into the water, stormy peered into the water and saw herself as a full grown dragon soaring through the skies in peace. laughing to herself stormy then told raven to look down at the water and see what the pond reveals, with deep regret raven looked down and saw herself in her true princess form. with tears streaming down her face raven galloped away from stormy leaving the little dragon stunned, a few minutes later raven settled down next to a tree and continued sobbing to herself. stormy came over and comforted the sad young princess, near by both raven and stormy heard a faint voice calling for help.

    following the source of the tiny voice they find a little fairy who was caught in a trap, the fairy plead for them to free her from the cage that she was trapped in. raven used her horn to open the cage and the fairy flew out of there, the fairy then introduced herself as star belle. she then asked raven how she can repay the kind gesture of compassion, raven then told the tale of her quest to star belle, the fairy thought for a moment and then said that she knew of the cave where the stone was in and she could lead raven and stormy to the very cave where the white onyx laid dormant but there was a powerful witch who guarded the stone and those who have sought after the stone would fall prey to the witch turning them into stone for all eternity.

    raven felt a little discouraged but she knew that if she wanted the stone then she stormy and star belle would have to fight the witch, taking a month to train for the ultimate show down against the witch raven stormy and star belle made their way to the cave where the white onyx was and finally faced the witch, it was a fierce battle with the witch casting spells everywhere raven using her glittering horn, stormy blasting fireballs at the witch and star belle casting magic of her own. the battle went on for hours but in the end raven stormy and star belle were victorious over the now slain witch, going into the cave they soon see a white glowing stone on a pedestal. touching the stone with her horn, raven was surrounded by a golden light changing her back into a princess like she was before.

    star belle and stormy were shocked but amazed and very happy for raven, together they went back to raven's homeland where all three were welcomed with great joy from the king and queen of the land. to this very day raven stormy and star belle are close friends still going on adventures here and there but that's another story
    the end

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    Old March 29th, 2012 (8:04 PM).
    Astinus's Avatar
    Astinus Astinus is offline
    Remember NovEnder
      Join Date: May 2006
      Location: Connecticut, USA
      Age: 31
      Gender: Male
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      Your story, while slightly easier to read because you added some line breaks, is still having some grammar issues. You need to edit in capital letters for the beginning letter of each sentence and for all mentions of a proper name. Proper punctuation is also necessary, like full stops at the end of sentences or commas where they're needed.

      For an example:

      The witch spotted her and transformed Raven into a unicorn. Cackling evilly, the witch explained that the spell could only be broken if the princess found a extremely rare gemstone called the White Onyx.
      Maybe you could ask in the Beta Reader thread for someone to read over your story before you post it, so they can help you fix any mistakes or answer any questions.

      I'll leave your thread open so you can ask any questions or anything like that.

      The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
      Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
      An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
      Sadly, these are things I'll never become

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