LOL
Aw yeah a fan fiction with all the sex, drugs, and teenage parties, and the american pie and ...
Well here's the thing. It works but somehow it didn't attract me whatsoever. Usually people don't even review when they don't like a fan fiction. I'm not here to tell you i hate it. I haven't read a fan fiction that I hate. So the fact that I'm reviewing means there was something I liked in particular.
These guys are throwing bad words like everyday vocabulary. Which means the 15+ rating should be raised to 17+ or a mature rating.
One thing, is to fix the format for the 1st and 2nd episodes. You need spacing in between paragraphs. You need a new paragraph when ever someone is speaking. This confused the hell outta me. I wasn't sure who speaking and I just read it as random dialouge. I'll be happy to re-read it to make sure I understand it more if you do fix it.
You changed formating for episode three, so there isn't much of a problem in terms of formatting.
Vince stepped inside the house. “Hey there, Nicki,” he said as he brought the door to a close behind him. He could barely start his next sentence before Nicki dragged him towards her and kissed him passionately on the lips.
“Should we go upstairs?” Nicki purred, seductively. Vince took her by the hand and starting leading her up, still kissing her every other step or so.
“You’re so ******* beautiful, you know that?” Vince grinned. Nicki giggled, whilst moving in for another kiss as Vince kicked the door to her room shut behind him.
So they had sex. Are you writing porn or a story? It's just a bunch of meaningless sex. Sure, it's okay I've read stories with sex. But damn it, it needs to be with passion. I want him to have sex if it means something.
Those two things really turned me off. Yeah in a non-sexual way of course.
What I liked about it was this..
Curtis thought to himself. He never thought he would end up cheating his way through training when he started training his Pokémon. He had a nagging conscience that it was wrong, but he never really felt it as he took the drugs from Trent, the intimidating dealer. However, as he readied the first syringe to inject into his Nidoran, he realised how wrong it must be. Injecting his own Pokémon with possibly toxic substances… surely if he really cared about his Pokémon, he would strengthen them through training and bonding with them. Not drugging them.
Trainers using drugs to pump up there pokemon to win in battles. That's realistic as hell and much more intresting than Vince having sex with a billion woman. There is a lot you can do just with that paragraph. This in my opinion would have made a better fan fiction if you stuck with this idea the whole way through.
But, it's your story not mine. Again this is an example of an intresting concept being brought up, but then not validated. There's moral issues brought up with this alone. The pokemon must reject the idea, but then again they are faitful partners.