No matter how many times I skim over this thread, I've always read it as 'Treat' instead of 'Threat.' That aside, let's get down to this review. I'll start off by nitpicking Chapter One.
So, I am Marc, a simple guy living in Littleroot Town.
This sentence, as well as the rest of the paragraph, are a bit strange considering the narrative. It reads as if Marc is telling the audience, but it only does this for one paragraph, while the rest of the chapter is just a first person perspective. It's a bit jarring to do that. And the first paragraph was all info-dumpy, and to be honest, I got a bit bored reading it. It wasn't anything exciting as it was background information, which could be written in bits and pieces instead of in a single paragraph. Space the information out to keep it interesting to the readers and mix it in with the prose.
Life here is quite boring, what is there even to do other than eating, sleeping or watching TV?
Sentence fragment after 'boring' or at the first comma. What that means is you wrote in two independent clauses together joined by a comma. An independent clause is basically a sentence. Don't combine two sentences into one. Here, you can either replace the comma with a semi-colon (;) or change it to a period and make two sentences.
Sometimes he loses, but that's fine,
for he enjoyed the battle too.
For is an awkward word here as you can use 'because' instead.
I can remember when I was
5, it was my first time visiting and knowing about pokemon.
Numbers should be written out if they aren't long, such as numbers up to twenty. Five should be written out. This is also a comma splice, so you should change one of the clauses to a dependent one. The sentence as it is reads awkwardly, and it would work a lot better if you took out the 'I can remember.'
Afterwards, it shifts to a scene, and I'm not sure what happened because it just jumped. Clearly the narrator is talking to Norman, but the transition was poorly done. I blame it on the first paragraph, because it wasn't even much of an introduction. In any case, you should make it easier to understand for readers when you shift scenes and exactly what the setting is, as a setting is absent for your introduction.
"What is a Bokemon?", I asked
Missing punctuation after 'asked,' and you don't need a comma in this sentence because you already used punctuation within the quotation marks.
"A pokemon. They are wonderful creatures that are almost like humans. They can be fed, make friends with, play with, or even battle with.", Norman replied.
No period at the end of the quotations, but a comma. And you never use punctuation outside of quotation marks.
I was told that I can meet my first pokemon with Professor Birch, who lives exactly in the same town where I live,
convenient!
It's weird that the narrator wouldn't know that, since he lives in the town, and Professor Birch is a bit of a 'renowned' professor. He should know that already. The bolded word isn't needed either.
I told Mom about my plan to go to an adventure, and she told
it to the Professor.
The bolded words aren't needed. If you take them out, the sentence means the same thing, but with less words. You don't want to use too many words. In fact, you want to use the minimum number of words needed to understand what you're trying to say.
For some reason, he had a look that seems like he's used to it, and he told me I can choose from 3 next week.
Again, this is an odd transition, as the narrator's mother told the professor, but it never states that he even talked to him in person or that they were together in the same room. It gets confusing. Don't do that. Also, the bolded clause is worded awkwardly. Personally, I think it would read better if you said, "I can choose one next week." It's pretty standard that you'd choose from three different Pokemon, so don't repeat it.
I can't help but squeal like a girl with excitement. I almost can't sleep!
Verb tense. Can you identify the verb tense here? It's in the present tense. The story is in the past tense. Keep it consistent as it gets confusing. Again. Change these verbs to the past tense. Also, 'squeal like a girl' isn't much of a description. It's actually out of place in this situation. Marc is going on a Pokemon journey, and this story is in the first person. The first person introduces the best perspective for diving into a character's mind. Tell us how Marc feels instead of how he acts. Thoughts tend to be more interesting at this point.
Next week, I arrived
to Professor Birch's lab
looking like a drunk man due to lack of sleep.
The bolded 'to' is the incorrect preposition. It should be 'at.' The second bolded bit is jarring to read, as it's in the first person. Thoughts would be more appreciative over appearance, especially since Marc wouldn't know how he looked until he went in front of a mirror.
Huh? Someone's in the lab that seems almost the same age as me.
Present tense, yet again. Don't change the tense. Don't change the tense. Don't change the tense.
The professor greeted me and said, "Marc, you didn't sleep well, did you? This is Hans, from Rustboro City. It seems he wants to start a pokemon journey, just like you Marc.
So the 2 of you will choose from these 3."
When in the world did Professor Birch come out? I don't see that written in at all. And choosing Pokemon is pretty well-established, so I read this as patronizing.
"Wait," I said impatiently, "what if we want the same pokemon?
You're missing ending quotation marks after 'pokemon.' Wait is a weird word to use when you use impatiently, and it makes absolutely no sense here.
"In that case, you choose first.", said that silent guy.
Screwed up punctuation here, but I already mentioned it before. The silent, like above, is almost completely out of place because he's obviously not silent anymore if he's talking.
I opened the first ball. A green frog thing.
And the professor gave me this info, "That's Treecko, the grass type pokemon. He is quite speedy, but burns easily with fire."
Alright, to put it bluntly, I got annoyed a bit. First of all, Marc is a bit of an idiot if he thinks a gecko looks like a frog. Treecko has a long tail with a red underbelly, which is something frogs don't have. And it stands on its two hind legs with yellow eyes. Again, unlike a frog.
As for the professor talking, I don't like it either. Readers don't need to know what a Treecko is, because they're already followers of Pokemon. They know what a Treecko is. Don't waste words doing this. Useless dialogue.
And reading on to the next bits, don't do any of them. They're the same process with Treecko, just with different descriptions. They aren't necessary. People know what the Hoenn starters are. Marc should know what the starters are, otherwise I'm wondering what cave they locked him up in. He's lived in that town and doesn't know what the starters are? Come on. That's highly unrealistic. He doesn't even understand Pokemon, it seems.
"Trying to choose the pokemon without weakness, eh?", telling me while trying to hide his laughs, "No one is perfect, not even
pokemons. Just choose the one that you seem will be loyal and be friends with you."
What? Who's saying that? Also, 'telling' should be changed to an actual verb rather than a participle. The comma after 'laughs' is grammatically incorrect. It should be a period. Pokemon itself is plural and singular.
I closed my eyes, did "eenie meenie minie mo".... And my hand landed at Mudkip. Mudkip was happy and excited, so I took it anyways.
I dislike Marc more and more. The lack of description isn't enjoyable to read and doesn't help the dysfunctional prose. It's all too jumpy and abstract.
And I replied hastily, "Hmph. Just admit that you
choose it because Mudkip is weak to it."
'Chose' not 'choose.'
"We just got our pokemon.", I
said, "why battle already?"
'Why' should be capitalized and the comma after said should be a period. You only use a comma after said when it's part of the same sentence, whereas here, it's two different sentences separated by a speech tag.
"Are you chickening out? Fine, I'll go ahead of you then.",
and raised his voice to command...
'And' should be capitalized. It's not a speech tag, therefore starting a new sentence.
" Marc, last 2 years, when we visited Norman, he was using a Slakoth, Spinda, Linoone and Vigoroth right? Well now, he's found a strange partner for himself, named Lopunny. Seriously, I visited Sinnoh before, seen pokemons like that exclusive only to that region. But when I asked him if he ever visited Sinnoh, he replied me no. I don't think he'd lie to me, he just found it in the wild, just like every other normal pokemon."
First of all, Norman isn't an idiot. He knows Pokemon. He'd know if a Pokemon was native to Hoenn or not. Although he did do the right thing when he caught the Lopunny, he didn't alert anybody about it. That's what bugs me a bit. He should have told someone immediately, since that is a weird phenomenon. And considering that there are more Sinnoh Pokemon roaming about, more trainers should have them as well.
It's also weird for Birch to ask Marc to 'investigate' in a sense, because Birch should be the one to investigate. There are a few reasons: a) Birch is one of those professors that like to go and explore, or do field work, evidenced in both the games and the anime, and b) why would you trust a kid to investigate something significant as this?
This isn't the correct premise for Marc to be a trainer. Birch really should have forced Marc out the door and investigated himself, as he is a professor. What would Marc do? He can't do anything scientific. He barely knows anything about Pokemon, evidenced early on in the story.
"...I've ordered Professor Rowan for
some of his
Pokedex, and a box of
it arrived".
These quotation punctuations are really getting to me. Anyway, 'some' implied there are multiple Pokedexes, so you would use the plural form. In addition, 'it' doesn't agree with the subject as 'it' is singular. What you should use is 'them.'
"Marc wait. Visit Oldale Town's pokemon center to heal Mudkip. The service is for free, and the
Nurse is sweet there. She should provide you a good sleep too."
Nurse isn't capitalized because it's not used as her name or a title in this case. Here, it's used to refer to 'the nurse' instead of 'Nurse.' And this bit of dialogue was rather pointless, because Professor Birch is a Pokemon professor, so I'm sure he'd have some healing unit. Besides, resting or sleeping seems to heal Pokemon just as well, which is present in the games, and it seems like you're using game canon.
I thanked him, "Will do. Thanks for the tip, Professor!"
Why would you say thanked twice? Take either the speech tag or the dialogue.
As I was going out, Mom was waiting for me by the door.
This is confusing, again. Was his mother outside of the lab or, like in the games, outside of their house? Be clear.
Mom isn't capitalized here because it's not used as a name.
"Same here Mom! Bye!",
and I kissed her.
And needs to be capitalized because it's not attached to a speech tag.
So this concludes the review for chapter one. There are numerous grammatical mistakes, and I'd advise you to study quotations a bit more. Actually, study them extensively. You don't seem to have the hang of it quite yet. You can look over at many fics on this forum, mainly the fic of the month archives to check out stories that effectively use dialogue. While mechanics don't make a story, they sure are useful when you want your story to be easier to read.
Chapter one had a lot of problems running into the lack of descriptions. Without descriptions, it's hard to figure out what's happening. And that's a major problem when you're in the first person narrative. First person introduces the best way to add in descriptions, because readers are literally thrown into a character's head. They see, smell, and hear everything the narrator sees, smells, or hears. The problem is that you don't even tell us anything. I fail to see even one adequate description about anything. Even more, you don't even introduce any sort of thoughts that Marc has. Surely Marc must be thinking of something when he chooses his Pokemon. Look, choosing a Pokemon and going on a journey is a big deal in their world. Otherwise, why would it be so heavily focused on? There should be a ton of words dedicated to showing how excited or nervous Marc is about choosing a Pokemon. Instead, we get a disjointed series of events, which I mentioned earlier. It's extremely hard to follow because the story keeps jumping. Nothing seems to flow continually. It's all in bits and pieces, which stops frequently so it doesn't help the story in any way. Pace your story out slightly.
As for your first paragraph, I found it to be entirely pointless. Why? Because that whole paragraph could have been spaced out throughout your entire chapter instead. Readers could gather all that information in bits and pieces. When it's dumped on them, readers either don't pay much attention to it or simply forget. That's not something you want, obviously. Why would you have written that in the first place? It's not an effective way to start. Just skip straight to where the plot starts, which seems to be when Marc chooses a Pokemon, not when he asks his mom to go on a Pokemon Journey. None of that seems to be a big deal, considering he asked his mom, she asked Birch, and Birch told him to get a Pokemon next week happened within a span of two-three sentences. Start where your story actually starts. Don't turn readers off by starting slow and dull. Your first chapter is probably the most important chapter of your story, kind of like how pilot episodes for television shows are so important. Readers determine if they're interested in your story within a paragraph of your first chapter. If they get bored or are confused, they'll stop reading. And odds are, they won't come back to it. So yeah, you don't want that. Keep your first chapter interesting.
Continuing on from my other point about Marc's lack of descriptions as well as the seemingly lack of importance on this vital day... Well, you need more emotions incorporated. We know so little of Marc, so his characterization is minimal. As such, I have no idea what to make of him, and that's not good when it's in first person. And I mentioned before that you need more descriptions. This chapter focuses on Marc choosing his Pokemon, battling his Pokemon, and officially starting on a journey. All of that was compressed into less than 500 words, I'm guessing. You're going to need a lot more than that to prove that this day was important. When Marc starts to look through the Pokemon, there should be more emphasis on how Marc describes them. Remember, a description isn't how an object, thing, or person looks – it's all about how a character interacts with an object, place, or thing. Describing Pokemon shouldn't be 'blue mud-fish thing.' That's, to put it terribly bluntly, terrible. It should be how Marc looks into the Mudkip and sees how friendly it appears. Something related to that to show Marc is relating to the Mudkip in some way to show that he wants to choose it. Also, Marc using a stupid method of choosing a Pokemon is still stupid. It's a big deal to choose a Pokemon. You throw that significance out the window as soon as you wrote that. That method is a joke. You're making this event almost comical, and this story doesn't seem to be comical in any way.
The Pokemon battle is, in my opinion, the highlight of this chapter. This chapter, Marc practically meets the obvious rival in Hans as well as showcasing his battling abilities, which are nonexistent. The battle was rather unsatisfying, but that's kind of understandable since both the trainers are complete novices. And that's also where I draw criticism, because they know so little. At least they should have known a few moves, not completely of course, but enough to sustain a battle without too much help from Birch. In any case, Marc's descriptions weren't even there for the battle. "No! Mudkip is hit!" is not a description. I'm not sure if that even classifies as a thought, to be honest. Describe how Mudkip was hit. Describe how Marc felt. Describe the look on Hans's face. Describe the smug Treecko's grin. Describe something, anything. It's in the first person, so let your thoughts run wild, but keep it in perspective.
So that's it for chapter one. There are a lot of flaws that you can work on, although if you prepare and work with the right work ethic and the desire to improve, you will become a fantastic writer. I'd suggest reading through the stickied thread in the Writer's Lounge, the Writing Resources, to check up on quotations if you don't want to read books/fics and to help out with other writing skills. In addition, you can check out the Beta Lounge if you feel like you want a beta reader. A beta reader is basically someone who proofreads your story, like this review I just wrote, before you post, so you can make corrections.
Work hard, study right, and earn your stripes!