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  #1    
Old July 2nd, 2012 (11:41 PM).
Applegardan's Avatar
Applegardan Applegardan is offline
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    Hey guys. On another forum of a pokemon rpg (not naming it) I have written some fan fics, and they have received positive reviews. So I'm going to try out an new idea. It's in an alternate timeline of the 4th gen games where Cyrus succeeded in enslaving Dialga. It's in the perspective of Flint, one of the members of the Elite Four.



    Prologue
    Spoiler:

    "Faster Rapidash! Faster!" Flint frantically yelled. He could hear the hope shattering roar of Dialga behind him. Cyrus was getting close. He was on the back of his fastest pokemon; Rapidash. Flint didn't care what happened to anyone else in the Pokemon League. He didn't like Lucian anyway. He had barely made it out of the building on time. If he was there for a few more seconds he would have been dead meat. Flint saw a cliff in the distance. "Rapidash! Keep going!" Flint shouted. He had a plan. Rapidash looked at Flint. Flint nodded, and Rapidash trusted Flint with it's life. They went off the cliff. "Return, Rapidash." Flint said. Now he was in the air, falling freely. He got another pokeball out from his backpack. "Go, Drifblim!" Flint shouted. The balloon pokemon came out. Flint grabbed on to it's string. Below him he saw an huge red beam; Dialga's Roar of Time. He had done it just in time. Dialga skidded to a stop before it went off the cliff. Flint looked at it, and it's eyes locked with his. He could see that he was in pain.
    "RWARGAH!" Dialga roared. Dialga charged an Roar of Time in his mouth.
    "Drifblim! Use Flash!" Flint exclaimed. Driblim glowed so brightly Flint barely could see. But he heard the Roar of Time zip past him. Over his head. He opened his eyes, and that was when he realized Dialga hit Drifblim. Drifblim had fainted, and was falling with Flint. "CRAP!" Flint screamed. He returned Drifblim. He would prefer to die by falling than to die by the hands of Team Galactic. He closed his eyes... and let himself fall. He slammed into the ground, and his vision went black.
    "Think he's dead?" he faintly heard someone say.
    "Naw. He is still breathing...." he heard another one say. That is how he met the Resistance Corps.
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      #2    
    Old July 6th, 2012 (8:07 PM).
    psyanic's Avatar
    psyanic psyanic is offline
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      This was a rather short prologue, so I'm not sure why you put it in spoiler tags. Being a bit picky, but still. The formatting is odd. You want to hit the enter button twice when typing this out on forums, like how I'm typing this review out.

      A

      Space

      Between

      Paragraphs

      Anyway, time to kick off this review with nitpicks:

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Applegardan View Post
      Cyrus was getting close. He was on the back of his fastest pokemon; Rapidash.
      The pronoun 'he' is used to refer to 'Cyrus' because it is the closest noun to it, and so it gets confusing, since I can assume the 'he' was to refer to Flint. You should fix that up. Also, the semi-colon before Rapidash is grammatically incorrect. You want to use a colon (. Semi-colons are only used for separating two independent clauses. You mistake this a few times, so you want to back through your story and fix them.

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Applegardan View Post
      Flint nodded, and Rapidash trusted Flint with it's life.
      'It's' is the conjugation for 'it is.' 'Its' is the possessive form, which is what you want to use. You want to fix this up since you confuse this quite a few times in your story.

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Applegardan View Post
      Below him he saw an huge red beam; Dialga's Roar of Time.
      Huge doesn't start with a vowel, so you'd use 'a' instead of 'an.' Semi-colon is also inappropriately used here, just as before. You mistake this again in your story somewhere.

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Applegardan View Post
      He could see that he was in pain.
      Wait, what? You used it to refer to Dialga, so it's safe to assume 'he' is for Flint, but this sentence doesn't make sense that way. Clarification is needed here.

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Applegardan View Post
      But he heard the Roar of Time zip past him. Over his head.
      Is there a particular reason why the bolded bit is in a separate sentence? It's a fragment by itself, so putting it at the end of the preceding sentence would make more sense. And it readers better.

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Applegardan View Post
      He would prefer to die by falling than to die by the hands of Team Galactic.
      This is messed up logic, because technically Team Galactic did kill him if they shot down Drifblim. They kill him either way.

      Okay, nitpicks aside, I suggest that you proofread your story for any sorts of technical errors. They mean a lot if you continually make the same mistakes, and you can surely fix them.

      Flint having a Drifblim makes zero sense, and I don't care what world he's in. If he's not even Flint, then you might as well make an original character. Flint is a Fire-type trainer, and it's worked out pretty well for him throughout his life. You can't slap on Pokemon for Flint just because you want to. He has to have a reason, or it makes no sense. And in this case, it makes no sense, so I'm confused as to why you gave him a Drifblim. It didn't even do anything this chapter. Character wise, I'd say Flint was extremely out of character. He abandoned the Elite Four? That's unrealistic in two ways: 1) He just left the safety of that place. There are plenty of other Elite Four members as well as the Champion Cynthia, so it would be terrific to fight alongside them rather than running away. One isn't as as strong as many. And, 2) Flint is strong in his own right. He's an Elite Four member. He can battle Pokemon and knows how to deal with them, even legendary Pokemon. In the games, a ten-year old catches Dialga. Flint is well over that age. Why doesn't he even try to battle Dialga? He has a lot more Pokemon than Dialga could handle, since he has six while Dialga is singular. He might even end up defeating it. And besides, it's not in his character to run away.

      So that's all I can say for a short bit. There are a few issues, and they are specific. You can fix them easily, so I hope you continue writing. I'll be sure to find out what's next.
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