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Old July 18th, 2012 (10:29 PM).
CookieRaider's Avatar
CookieRaider CookieRaider is offline
The Cookie Raider
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    Hey everyone, this is my "fanfic" you could say, basically it's a story I'm writing in my little writing journal thingy. Anyways here is Chapter 1, any criticism is allowed. Thanks for reading!


    Stumbling into a pokemon lab half asleep holding a cup of coffee can’t ever be the best idea, but that just so happened to be what 16 year-old boy Zach Stryker was doing the very morning of July 2nd, 2012 (Cuz I can that’s why.)
    Zach sat down in a not-so comfortable waiting chair sipping his coffee slowly in the dim light of the Juniper pokemon lab, waiting for the Professor to show up. As Zach finished off his coffee he heard a slamming noise in the back room. Zach shot up from the chair, dropping his cup in the process, and approached the back room cautiously.
    “Professor Juniper? Is that you?” Zach said shakily. The back room was pitch black and completely silent. Zach searched for a light switch on the wall with his hand but found none. As his eyes adjusted he noticed a dark mass sitting on the floor. He rushed up to it and noticed that it was Professor Juniper, who had been knocked unconscious.
    Just then something jumped out of the shadows and launched itself at Zach. Zach struggled to get lose as whoever it was had a very strong grip. Zach threw a punch right at the figure’s side. The punch was enough to loosen the figure’s hold on Zach enough for him to wriggle out and run for the other side of the room. Zach felt around for anything he could use as a weapon and felt his fingers wrap around the familiar shape of a pokeball. In a panic he pushed the button and threw the ball at the general direction of the figure.
    Out of the ball popped a Aron, a small pokemon covered in iron.
    “Aron! Use Tackle!” Zach commanded.
    The small pokemon charged at the figure an slammed into it full force. The figure was slammed into the back wall with the force of a freight train. For a small pokemon, Aron packed a punch.
    “So it’s a battle you want!?” The voice came from the figure. His voice was raspy and Wheezing (<-- Ha see wat I did thur? I made a funny.) A pokeball flew out of the man’s hand and out came a Woobat.
    “Woobat, use gust!” The figure said. The Woobat flapped its tiny wings and shot a gust of air at Aron... and missed completely. As it turned out Woobat has no eyes, therefore can’t see their target, and miss most of the time.
    “Aron! Tackle that Woobat!” Zach ordered. Aron tackled the Woobat to the ground. The Woobat couldn’t handle anymore and fainted.
    “T-This isn’t the last of us! The Plasma Army will prevail!” The man said shakily, then ran out of the lab. Zach collapsed against a wall in relief. The Aron was still out of it’s pokeball, and slowly approached Zach. Zach picked up the small pokemon and set him on his lap, and waited for Juniper to wake up.

    *STATUS LOG #1*
    Subject Name- Zach Stryker
    Current Status- Unconscious
    Current Pokemon:

    Unnamed (Aron) Lv. 7 @ None
    Nature: Mild
    Ability: Sturdy
    Moves: Tackle, Harden, Mud Slap


    Also, I do note that the formatting is kind of off, but I don't know how to make it work, as I had to copy and paste this from Google Docs- I apologize in advance.
    I swear I will put something here! Just... Not, NOW. Ya know.
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    Old July 19th, 2012 (6:15 AM).
    TheRavenousMan TheRavenousMan is offline
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      I like this piece, but even though this is just an opening, I think you could have added more juice to Zach. Say, you may detail some of his gestures, or what he does when he was waiting for Juniper. These could reveal something interesting about his personality.
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      Old July 19th, 2012 (3:59 PM).
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      Nolafus Nolafus is offline
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        A good start, but try not to be biased against certain pokemon. I can tell you're not a fan of woobat because you made it lose easily and it doesn't miss most of the time because of echolocation (it emits soundwaves that bounce off of objects and return so woobat can tell where everything is). Therefore it doesn't need light or eyes to "see" and it should have had the advantage fighting in the dark. Try to use more of the pokemon's anatomy to affect the fighting. That's my only critique and I hope I helped. Good beginning.
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        Old July 20th, 2012 (2:46 AM).
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        bobandbill bobandbill is offline
        shake that booty
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        Also, I do note that the formatting is kind of off, but I don't know how to make it work, as I had to copy and paste this from Google Docs- I apologize in advance.
        You could always try copy-pasting to something else inbetween (say notepad/notepad++, some other word processing program, etc) to both remove formatting (fonts, etc - but for that there's also a 'remove text formatting button' in the top left of the reply/post thread box) and maybe also keep in spacing. If not then it really is advisable to do so manually and ensure there's a line of spacing between each paragraph as otherwise it's harder to read.

        I did agree with what Slayr231 said for the most part (idk if it's because you're not a fan of Woobat necessarily...) but given bats navigate rather successfully via sound rather than sight the part about Woobat missing felt off. It's the same as Zubat after all, and with both of them nothing was really stated canonically that they miss all the time (in fact with the latter the sound explanation is used too).

        I would suggest playing around a bit more with how you start sentences; a bit too often for my liking they started with 'Zach ___'. Try to mix it up as that can start to feel repetitive.
        “Woobat, use gust!” The figure said.
        Note that if what follows the dialogue tells us who said the dialogue/how it was said you can treat both parts as one full sentence rather than two. (Alternatively consider if it makes sense by itself. 'The figure said.' doesn't sound right as its own sentence). As a result, you should go without the capitalisation in 'The' as it's akin to having a capital in the Middle of a sentence, which is odd. (Like so).
        The Aron was still out of it’s pokeball
        it's means it is, while its is the possessive term and the one you want here.

        Lastly, I'd suggest against doing what they call 'breaking the fourth wall' - that is, inserting comments in the middle of the story (such as you saying 'get the joke?' with your Weezing pun...which is without a h btw). It's unnecessarily and only really serves to disrupt the flow and distract the reader; only really advisable for fics that are mostly comedy.

        Besides that, it's not a bad beginning, certainly. Interesting way to start off, and if it's a journey fic too Aron is a not-oft seen Pokemon to go with as well. Just needs some polishing with the above points, and a bit more in the way of showing rather than telling as well. (See what TheRavenousMan said on that; there's various ways to show some more about personality and the such. This would also apply to battles; for instance rather than tell us the Woobat could not handle it anymore, show us something that tells us this fact less bluntly (e.g. does it whimper, fall straight to the ground, etc). It's more interesting to read, easier to visualise and conveys the same information in the end.)

        Good luck with the fic!
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