I'm going to reiterate about describing things more in-depth. The Secret Island is apparently a magical place, but you did not make it seem that way. Remember, you're writing in the first-person narrative, which I would say is the easiest way to immerse the readers in the writing, and that in turn enforces a larger description of things, because the readers will see, hear, smell, and taste everything the narrator does. Add more descriptions about it if you're going to claim how wondrous it is. It was a bit hard to visualize the scene when Irina and Altix landed and met Death.
And here are a few nitpicks:
The
"Secret Island" is a highly secluded island, and only the rarest
(like starters, legendarys, and event Pokemon, you could also get let in if you were extremely tough) wild Pokemon are allowed to live in it.
Secret Island looks like it's the name of the island, so you do not need quotation marks around it. And you need a space before the first parenthesis. Also, I'm having trouble believing that an island like this actually exists in the Pokemon world. You go on to say that it's way up in the air, and there already is the problem of the high altitude and possible lack of oxygen, along with the fact that the Pokemon there would be severely limited to Pokemon that could fly or Pokemon that got lucky enough to fly up there with something else. And what is the island's origin? You say that there is a machine that allows it to float in the sky (which needs some elaboration) and Pokemon cannot deal with technology. One more thing: with a lot of Pokemon up there, they're bound to be breeding and breed not-so-special Pokemon. Just a thought.
I want to address your use of parenthesis, and most of the time, I find it annoying and disjointing towards the prose rather than informative. They provide small comments and don't add much to the story at all. In fact, most of the parenthesis could be sentences themselves. And with your excessive use of them, I get tired of seeing them quickly. Parenthesis also happen to break the flow of your story. What is the flow, you ask? Well, think of writing the prose of your story as a dream. When you dream, it's enthralling and entwines you within your own mind. You can dream for seemingly hours and hours, yet you won't realize it until you wake up in the middle of one. Only when you wake up do you actually remember one. Prose should be like a dream. Readers should be able to read without realizing that they're actually reading. That sounds a bit farfetched, sure, but the concept remains: when your readers are drawn to the story and read without much thought to the fact that they are reading, your prose is, I would say, successful. However, when you start throwing things in the prose that are annoying or out of place, they stick out. Such examples would be TYPING LIKE THIS or
maybe this way or possibly (much like this) with parenthesis. Used in limited amounts is fine, actually, for these examples, but in excess, they start to become more obstructing. Don't wake your readers up, because if they do, they'll wonder why they're disinterested in reading all of a sudden.
There is only one way to get there and that ,
my not so dear friend, is flying.
Fix the comma before the bolded bit. It needs to have a space before and needs to be connected with 'that.' And the bolded bit is a bit odd to put in. I don't know who the narrator is addressing, unless it's towards the reader. Either way, I find it weird.
Many Pokemon, like my friend Irina and
I, get there in groups.
You use 'me' in this case. You wouldn't say "Write like I" would you?
No human has ever found it, because of the fact that it is 16,200 feet in the sky (The Island has a rare machine that creates oxygen, and controls pressure), covered in clouds, and is nearly invisible to the eye of a human.
This begs the question about how Pokemon are able to find it. Trainers might have heard it from their Pokemon, and scientists should find some anomaly in the atmosphere. Floating islands aren't that hidden with the clouds, considering that clouds dissipate as well.
Me and Irina met long ago in a forest, which I forgot the name
of, I was exploring trying to find a thunder-gem to sell to a Pikachu, but instead I found a green Dragonite.
Me write big review. Me like apples. Me use wrong word for subject - you use 'I' for the subject of the sentence. 'Of' needs a period after it and not a comma. After 'of' is an independent clause, which is a separate sentences on its own.
Again, you need more description about the meeting. I can hardly believe Altix would react that way, because he (she?) is shiny, aren't they? Or did I miss something? In any case, saying "I am shocked" isn't much of a description, especially in this narrative style. It would also have been nice to actually have more dialogue, as this would tell the readers a glimpse of their personalities as well as their speech patterns. Both are a bit vital to the story, wouldn't you agree?
Then she explained "I am not sick! I am special! (humph)!"
That humph has no place being there, really. Not in parenthesis, anyway.
I was confused because I had no
Idea what shiny meant.
Idea is not a proper noun, so it would be lower-cased.
She explained it to me and I was amazed.
Different-colored Pokemon are that amazing? Well, I'll give you that, but it's not like they need much explaining, either.
Irina practiced flying, I collected
berry's, and we both had to
practice breathing in high altitudes.
Berries is the plural form, not 'berry's.' And how in the world do you practice breathing in high altitudes? That's not something you can practice or learn.
It is one of the hardest challenges in the world.
Not for Altix, as he's just practicing breathing and sat on Irina's back. She was the one with the challenge.
We packed about 250 berries, 2 goggles, and 10 water bottles.
Numbers that are short to write out (typically numbers one through twenty) should be written out. Here, two and ten should be written. And I'm wondering how Irina could eat if she's flying the whole way. It's not like she can arch her neck so that Altix could feed her.
Thats the most you are allowed to have if you are heading to The Secret Island.
It is 'that's' not 'thats.' That is needs to be used here, and the conjunction is 'that's.' And who stated that rule? Unless the island has secret messengers dropping flyers to invite Pokemon up there with a few rules printed on it, they had no way of knowing. If this was all Irina could carry, then it's believable.
Death was a mean, over-confident, and selfish Gengar.
Show, don't tell. Show the readers how she is rather than just say it. It's not engaging if you just state it. Show us how she reacted when they first landed or how she talked to them. Those are the ways you should express personalities, not by telling us.
She gave us a run through asking very personal questions, poking and prodding us, and such.I refused to tell her my sexual orientation...and quite a bit of other
thing I would rather not say.
Space needed between the sentences. This scene really should have been written with dialogue, which you avoided this whole preface. And what's with the sexual orientation mentioned? I don't get it.
'Thing' needs to be 'things.'
...who was a very creepy creature wearing a hooded cloak which made it impossible to see any of
his features...
How could you tell its gender if you can't see anything of it?
I slowly walked past him
too the island village.
'To' is used here as it's the preposition.
Overall, you need to add more personalities to your characters, especially the narrator. Despite the fact that it's in the first-person, I can't figure out what's up with the narrator. I can't tell its personality, which is not a good thing. There are hard parts to visualize, so descriptions are needed. The Secret Island definitely needs more elaboration. I'll keep an eye on this story to see how it goes. If you have any questions or concerns, especially about my review, then don't hesitate to complain or bug me about it. I won't be that annoyed, I promise.
Anyway, good luck!