Hopeless Desires, *sigh*, I love that name.
Beep went the telephone.
"Moo", went the cow.
"Meh", went DarkIceForever
The story is missing a lot. The chapter started off weak in terms of grabbing my attention. I can't really imagine Ash screaming at his mom.
You lied to me! Your my mother, your supposed to tell me everything!" his voice dripping with venom.
It doesn't fit the canon or whatever your using. Anime, or dang, what else is Ash in other than anime? Pokemon Puzzle Leauge? Ugh, I hated that game.
Sorry, out of context.
The Ash we all know is a naive and an ageless ten year old who seems to get weaker every pokemon season. Also, not many people may except your style of Ash because we already have this 'kid' imbedded into our memory. I don't think it's going to work. I'm not telling you to abandon ship, I'm just telling you, it's going to be tough.
And on top of that, not many people will find it popular.
Also 'orbs' isn't really a well liked description for eyes. It just doesn't sit well with people from what I've read. (From hundreds of other more sophistcated reviewers.) They just don't like it, and neither do I, unfortunetly.
I hope your not planning a role playing/ interactive fan-fiction. Those are also frowned upon on FF&W. Not sure, I've never seen one work in all honesty. I've given my own ideas to other authors only to have them screw it up in the end.
A while back I particpated in such a story. I wanted a tough kick a** robust dude, and what I got was a big, somewhat girly dude who only trains 'cute' pokemon. Yeah, it just happens. The author wants to mix things up and it only ends up making me upset, pissed even. Heh heh.
I recommend using your own characters. Get creative, that's what fan-fiction is all about.
PC is also slow with reviews. It's actually pretty discouraging when somebody doesn't reply to your work. But, if you really enjoy writing, then regardless if anybody reads it or not keep at it.
It doesn't sound fun, but I guess you just have to hope for the best.
Grammer fixes.
Delia bit her lip, Ash had been doing sulking in his room ever since she told him about that.
Delia bit her lip. Ash had been sulking in his room ever since she told him about that.
magnifecent
magnificent
Delia took a deep, trembling breath.
No comma because the subject of the sentence doesn't change.
Delia took a trembling deep breath.
The question confused Delia, as she looked up with Mahogany eyes.
Lower case mahogany, since it isn't at the start of the sentence.
He walked down the long stair, reached the Oak front door, grabbed his stylish black coat, opened the door, and walked out of his home, then walked out of his town, and now, his short life.
What do you mean he walked out of his short life? You mean he walked out of the life he once had? Also, it seems that this sentence should have really been a paragraph full of discription. You need to explain things more. By the way, who really cares if his coat is stylish or not was it really necessary? Go into things like scenery, trail conditions, people walking around, ect. It gives readers a better idea of the world your trying to set-up.
Anyhow that's a good little overview of things. Hope I helped.