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Old January 31st, 2005 (10:11 PM).
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Strawberry Delcatty Strawberry Delcatty is offline
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    You can blame a couple of close friends from the PE2K forums for the idea of this side story of Hoenn Mirror World.

    Fishie the Magikarp
    SALESMAN: Come on. Buy it already! Your daughter would love it!
    WINONA: [nervously] Uh... thanks, but no thanks.

    In the middle of a small but busy village that was quite a distance from Fortree Castle, the mother of the Mirror Light Lyoko was suddenly attracted by a seemingly eccentric salesman that specialized in selling Magikarp merchandise. The dark-skined salesman with the white headband tied at the front then handed the Fortree Castle Mirror Elder a live Magikarp that suddenly wiggled in her arms. Winona freaked out a bit at this until the salesman leaned toward her.

    SALESMAN: Fishie is loved by kids all over the Hoenn Mirror World, and I'm more than a hundred percent sure that your daughter would love him to bits. Why not make her day with a Fishie the Magikarp plush?
    WINONA: [nervous laugh] Well, I'm not sure. I have to talk to Lyoko about it. I'll come back tomorrow to let you know--
    SALESMAN: [takes Winona's hands and gives her an innocent, sad look] Please, miss! Just buy one already! I'm the only working parent of three sons, and if I don't get a decent amount of money each month, I might end up on the streets! Please... just do it for me.

    Winona didn't know what to do. She doubted that Lyoko wouldn't be too fond of a Magikarp with big cartoony eyes and a goofy smile, but after seeing how much the salesman wanted someone to buy the merchandise, she had a feeling that she could be wrong.

    Finally, Winona sighed as she got out four dollar-like paper money that was bright blue in color and had a picture of the Golden Gateway in the center. The salesman happily takes the money and hands the Fortree Castle Mirror Elder a Magikarp plush.

    SALESMAN: Thank you, miss. You are too kind... [to himself as he places the money in a black case] ...and too dumb!

    ***

    Later that night, Lyoko was in her room. She had a skeptical expression as she looked at the weird Magikarp plush that her mother bought her. The blond-haired seven-year-old girl sighed as she sat on her bed.

    LYOKO: I don't really like it at all. I understand why mommy bought this thing, but... I'm not...

    Lyoko was cut off when ten-year-old May entered her room. May was spending the night with Lyoko while her parents, the Petalburg Mansion Mirror Elder and his wife, were on vacation with some friends. Her brother, eight-year-old Max, had recently got sick the day before Norman and Caroline left and had to stay behind in a hospital in Littleroot Village.

    As soon as May noticed the Magikarp plush that Lyoko was holding, she sighed in disgust.

    MAY: You've got one too?
    LYOKO: [turns to May with a confused look] Huh? What do you mean?
    MAY: My parents got me a Fishie plush two years ago. It scared me a little for some reason.
    LYOKO: I don't like it, but I don't want to make mommy feel that she was ripped off. She said that she felt sorry for the man who sold it to her.

    Feeling that Winona might have ended up being ripped off regardless of whether or not Lyoko told her how she felt about the plush, the light brown haired rich girl went downstairs in the kitchen where she saw Winona stirring something in a pot.

    MAY: Excuse me, Winona...
    WINONA: [sees May] Oh, May. I'm making dinner right now. It'll be ready in less than an hour.
    MAY: Uh, it's not that. It's about Lyoko's new Fishie plush...
    WINONA: [sighs] Oh, that. What about it?
    MAY: Did the person who sold it to you had a headband that was tied at the front?
    WINONA: [stops stirring] Yes.
    MAY: And did he have dark brown hair?
    WINONA: [hesistating] Y-yes, he did.
    MAY: And did he make a story about being the only working parent of four sons and he needs money to keep his home?
    WINONA: Uh...it was three, but the rest of what you said was right.
    MAY: [sighs] Another parent trap...
    WINONA: [confused] Parent trap?
    MAY: My parents ended up falling for his trick two years ago, but thankfully they managed to get their money back. The word on the street said that the salesman is a con artist that sells useless Pokemon to trainers and coordinators and bizarre toys to parents of little kids. He was arrested twice, but the police believed that he learned his lesson. Seems like he lied, but what do you expect from a con artist?

    Winona suddenly paused at this, and May took a few small steps back. After nearly three minutes of silence, Winona turned to May.

    WINONA: We're having a talk with that salesman tomorrow.

    ***

    Early the next morning, the salesman was opening his shop at the same village. After a short wait, the salesman noticed an old woman with her red-haired granddaughter who was about twelve years old.

    SALESMAN: Hey, you! You with the little girl!

    The old woman looked around until she realized that the salesman was talking to her. She approached the booth and felt suspicious when she saw the merchandise.

    SALESMAN: Tell me, have you ever heard of Fishie the Magikarp?
    WOMAN: Never in my life. [to the girl] How about you, Vanessa?
    VANESSA: [shakes head] Mm-mmm.
    SALESMAN: Well, here's your chance. For this week only, you can buy all the Fishie Fun Pack for the really cheap price of four hundred Mirrals!
    WOMAN: Four hundred Mirrals? That's quite expensive.
    VANESSA: I don't like this Fishie thing.
    SALESMAN: [to Vanessa] You'll grow attached to it soon enough. As a matter of fact, a lot of children like Fishie.

    The salesman then handed the old woman a Magikarp than wiggled in her arm.

    WOMAN: [shuddering] Eesh!
    SALESMAN: So, are you going to buy it or not?
    WOMAN: Well...

    Before the elderly woman could continue, a Combusken, an Altaria, and a Swellow wearing a pink ribbon came out of nowhere and knocked down the surprised salesman. The Combusken slashed apart the plushes, the Altaria shot a blast of green flames from her beak that destroyed several Fishie t-shirts, and the Swellow pecked the fallen salesman.

    SALESMAN: Ow! Ow! What is the...ow!...meaning of...ow!...this?! [knocks the Swellow off of him, and then gathers the merchandise that weren't wrecked in a bag] I'd better get out of here!

    Before the salesman could take another step further, a Growlithe leaped at him and used his teeth to snatch the bag away from the salesman. The old woman and her granddaughter were shocked by these happenings when a blue-haired policewoman arrived with Lyoko, Winona, and May.

    SALESMAN: [feeling nervous] Oh, shoot.
    OFFICER: You're under arrest, you con artist!
    SALESMAN: [gulps] What?! No way! How can this be?!
    WINONA: I'm sorry we had to do this to you... [folds arms] but we couldn't allow anyone else to be tricked by your lies.

    The Combusken returned to May, and the Altaria and the Swellow did the same with Winona and Lyoko respectively.

    SALESMAN: How could you...?!
    OFFICER: [places handcuffs on the salesman's wrists] Enough. You can tell your story at the station.

    The salesman took one last look at May, Winona, and Lyoko before the blue haired woman hauled the con artist away.

    END
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      #2    
    Old February 1st, 2005 (9:43 PM).
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    Miyu-chan Miyu-chan is offline
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      That's a cute story~ =D Though I would have liked it better if it was longer and had more conflict... xD But it's so cute! n__n
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      Old February 1st, 2005 (11:03 PM).
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      Strawberry Delcatty Strawberry Delcatty is offline
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        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Miyu-chan
        That's a cute story~ =D Though I would have liked it better if it was longer and had more conflict... xD But it's so cute! n__n
        Well, I wanted to enter it in a current short fan fic contest at PE2K, so that's why it was so short.
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          #4    
        Old February 2nd, 2005 (3:12 AM).
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        Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
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          It's pretty good, but there are a couple of little grammar things I'd like to point out - the missed commas aren't so important, but there's one part in the main narrative where you switch from the past tense to the present tense:

          "The salesman happily takes the money and hands the Fortree Castle Mirror Elder a Magikarp plush."

          Ideally, you should edit that to fix it. Also, I notice all your dialogue is in script format. I think it would be better to write it into the story in, uh, "story format" - I don't know the term for it. At the moment, the change in format really breaks up the story. I was a little confused by it at first.
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            #5    
          Old February 2nd, 2005 (4:21 PM).
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          Strawberry Delcatty Strawberry Delcatty is offline
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            Quote:
            Originally Posted by Jedi_Amara
            It's pretty good, but there are a couple of little grammar things I'd like to point out - the missed commas aren't so important, but there's one part in the main narrative where you switch from the past tense to the present tense:

            "The salesman happily takes the money and hands the Fortree Castle Mirror Elder a Magikarp plush."
            I sure hope that don't hurt my chances of winning in the contest at PE2K, especially since judging starts tomorrow.

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by Jedi_Amara
            Ideally, you should edit that to fix it. Also, I notice all your dialogue is in script format. I think it would be better to write it into the story in, uh, "story format" - I don't know the term for it. At the moment, the change in format really breaks up the story. I was a little confused by it at first.
            Well, I'm used to writing like that. After almost being booted out of Serebii for using pure script, I had to use a LOT more description than usual. No one complained about it till now. Oh, well. :\
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            Old February 2nd, 2005 (5:27 PM).
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            Miyu-chan Miyu-chan is offline
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              Maybe you can try writing script even more descriptive? xD As if they're in a play or something~ xD;;

              But I like your writing... Why would they want to boot you out? o.o;
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              Old February 3rd, 2005 (1:03 AM).
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              Frostweaver Frostweaver is offline
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                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Miyu-chan
                Maybe you can try writing script even more descriptive? xD As if they're in a play or something~ xD;;

                But I like your writing... Why would they want to boot you out? o.o;
                It's due to the natural nature of scriptfics that they're hated. Scripts are NOT intended for reading, but what can you do online except to read it? The contradicting nature of a script when it's in the internet world gives scriptfic a natural disadvantage to readability already, and just to make things "even better," the extremely picky and "difficult-to-read-and-understand"-style of a script shall upset readers to no end, with the exception to some people (SPP, PE2K and PC alike) who shall claim that anything is good, but shall fail at pointing out what is so good about the story if you ever question them.

                *suddenly motivated to write a scriptfic tutorial* o.o;
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                  #8    
                Old February 3rd, 2005 (4:22 PM).
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                Strawberry Delcatty Strawberry Delcatty is offline
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                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by frostweaver
                  It's due to the natural nature of scriptfics that they're hated. Scripts are NOT intended for reading, but what can you do online except to read it? The contradicting nature of a script when it's in the internet world gives scriptfic a natural disadvantage to readability already, and just to make things "even better," the extremely picky and "difficult-to-read-and-understand"-style of a script shall upset readers to no end, with the exception to some people (SPP, PE2K and PC alike) who shall claim that anything is good, but shall fail at pointing out what is so good about the story if you ever question them.
                  I never knew script style fics were hated THAT much. I currently run a fan fic site, and for quite a while, I've got a handful of fans. However, I was reading over my fan fics one day and didn't like how they turned out, so I wanted to redo them in story format just like my JIA remake (except for one that is going to be redone but will still retain its script format).

                  The thing that made me write script style format is this script for this Sonic anime (the one before Sonic X). How the characters' line were colored in really appealed to me, so I sorta mimicked it. When PE2K got its forums up on ProBoards, I put up the original JIA but left out the colors. After a while, I've got rather used to writing script, regardless of coloring in the lines or not. However, after having JIA at Serebii locked and nearly got booted out there (as well as being ignored at fanfiction.net), I decided to take Serebii's advice: leave out the script talk and put in more description.

                  And that's why I write the way I do now.
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                    #9    
                  Old February 3rd, 2005 (7:56 PM).
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                  Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
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                    I don't have anything against scriptfics as such; some of my own (Digimon) fanfics are written in script form, as it suits that particular comedy genre. What I was commenting on is that the use of script in this case does not fit the story as it breaks up the narrative.
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