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Heyo. After a hiatus of about three quarters of a year, I figured I could not resist the urge anymore and made my return to the wonderful pokécommunity. I am pretty sure none of you know me since I wasn't really that much of a deeply vested community member, RP'd a little here and there and sort of stumbled my way through what seemed an already form-fitted community to me. So tagging along with everyone as I did, I started finding my place before an unannounced departure, unplanned, unnecessary; I just lost the time, will, endurance, whatever to re-visit the forums.
So to explain: I've been sorting out my personal life. Well, y'all know how tense that gets to the emotions. I needed time to think, and I proceeded to waste that thinking time on doing even more shallow things, thus putting me back at square one, and an added abandonment of a community I actually began to like.
Maybe all I needed to sort was to find a purpose to live up to. I sure as hell have them now. I also kind of had them back before I left to wander my head. I just needed to have a kick on the brain to wake me up again. I am not sure how many people can relate to this, but if you ever do, then you can count yourself on top of the world, but do you know of those times when you meet somebody who is so nice and caring, and who has so much in common with you that it is uncanny? In the past year, I've come to a shocking realisation that I've spent my whole life numb, because a film of dust had accumulated and locked my personality away from the world. Having a person who was willing to let me pull away all of the emotional puddy that covers up the raw asymmetric personality and to reveal everything that is behind the encumbering façade we show to the world with our everyday extraverted "facebook friends" was the most liberating experience I've ever had, but it was also the scariest. Friends whom I thought were the best I could have started to vanish. According to some scientific studies, the amount of real friends -- whom we're able to be so vulnerably honest with -- that an average human being has is not that many: about 2 to 3 people. That's not enough to include all of one's family; that's not enough to include most acquaintances people like to refer to as friends when they are in their company to act a bit wild and grind against each other in a bar, disco, or whatever kind of social establishment an introvert would never feel comfortable in.
So I had to sort that out. I had to come true to my identity. I had to really seriously consider -- like an adult -- what kind of self I wanted to create. I needed time to make me the me that I feel best inside of, if that sentence makes any sense. Maybe it's just a whole bunch of existentialist drivel that I am typing out right now on a forum meant for pokémon, but sorting my life through did end up making me feel happier about who I am. I had to reconsider whether some friends were actually ones that I did not need to put up a façade for, for whom there wasn't a concrete ceiling somewhere further up the more emotional puddy I peeled away. The more of my brokenness I revealed to them. Maybe for some of them the ceiling was very high indeed, and I still had a spacious place to go through. Most of my friendships were, to my conclusion, not claustrophobic, but in the end, there's one person for whom a ceiling just was not there. Superficiality is one thing I am very afraid of, and it caused my dismay with a world where most people rarely cared to venture deeper into another personality and explore it like it's a cellar filled with wines that have never been tasted by anyone before. Having come across a person willing to remove that film of dust from a self that had been disregarded its whole life was worthy of tears.
I am trying to sift through the reasons of my absence in a brusque pace, but I think all of these paragraphs sort of avoid the point, which is that I am back, and I am happy to be back. I am looking forward to trying my hand again at roleplaying. My writing has improved drastically over the past 9 months. I've been reading a tonne of novels. I've been trying to write fiction for myself, and utterly failed at it because I am a procrastinating doodlesack, but hey, at least I've got my things sorted for now.
So hello again, Pokécommunity!
(As a side note: I just realised the embarassing mistake that I made a typo with my birthdate on my profile.)
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