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Old February 25th, 2013 (6:14 AM).
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DaveyBouge DaveyBouge is offline
    Join Date: Feb 2013
    Location: UK
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Hasty
    Posts: 9
    Hello there. I am writing a story loosely based on the events of Pokémon pearl and my Nuzlocke run. I have altered the plot somewhat to add in my own ideas and characters.

    I'm quite proud of it so far and enjoy constantly adding more chapters. I'd love some feedback but most of all I hope you enjoy my work. So without further or do I present you Frozen Supremacy.

    Troubled Trainer: Frozen Supremacy

    Chapter 1

    It is a warm summer's afternoon and I am sitting crossed legged in my room watching a news special on the infamous Red Gyarados. A cool, welcome breeze circles the room emanating from my open window, causing my bulbasaur drapes to flap against the wall. My room is that of an average teen girl. Posters of my favourite band Maniacal Pokémon plaster the walls. A large mirror is positioned to my right with a closet full of clothes beside it. Various books on 'How to Be a Trainer' are scattered beside my single bed. I like to read them at night before sleeping wishing to use its contents to dream about being a Pokémon master. Not really paying any attention to the news special my eyes wander to the mirror. I run my delicate fingers through my long black hair which is well brushed and poker straight; I was always lucky in that respect. I mess it about a bit before gazing back to the TV.

    As the gyarados special concludes I lazily get to my feet and take a long drawn out stretch of my athletic body to awaken its sleepy muscles. Spying my pidgey clock I see that it is almost 2pm and with a gurgle of my stomach I wander downstairs to hunt for something to eat.

    "Linda!" my mom cries as I enter the room. She is always busy doing something around the house. This time it happens to be the dusting.

    "Ralph came calling for you a little while ago. I don't know what it was about, but…"

    My mind wanders to Ralph as she talks to me. He is a blonde haired boy, the same age as me who lives up the road. He's been my best friend for as long as I can remember. We'd often talk about going on crazy adventures together, each becoming a Pokémon master as we do. In reality, we both are stuck in this town.

    "He really is a nice boy you know." She continues at pace, thankful for the company. "Your father and I were best friends before we got together." She smiles wistfully before her eyes begin to glisten, showing signs of tears. I rush over to her and gently hold her hand.

    "Look mom, please don't get upset. You've got me." I weakly smile, trying to reassure her. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise." I mean these words as they exit my mouth, even if I do resent them slightly.

    "Linda…" She calmly whispers, composing herself. "I'm fine, honestly…" She subtly changes her demeanour and with taking a deep breath she continues. "Sit down, please. I've been thinking… and I feel that you need to leave."

    This news strikes me like a bolt to the chest.

    "You've already stayed here six years longer than most your age. I can't bear to hold you back any longer. I don't want to be a burden to you."

    "You're not." I answer sympathetically.

    "You have been dreaming of being a trainer since you could walk. I've seen the way you light up when you talk to Ralph about the adventures you both could have. If your father was… well let's just say you would be well on your way to achieving your goal."

    This sounds like a well-rehearsed speech which seems to hurt me more for some reason. As I bring my head up to meet mom's eyes she begins to tear up again.

    "But I'm fine here mom, with you." I reply in a hushed tone.

    What do I really want here? I've always wanted to leave and begin a journey of my own, challenging the gyms on my way to the elite four, but mom would be all alone then.

    "Darling, please. It's time…"

    I cut her off before she can finish.

    "Look! If I had wanted to go I would have. I don't need you telling me what I should do!"

    I stun the house into a deathly silence. I hardly ever shout at mom, we have a great relationship. Feeling horribly embarrassed by my outburst I flee from her sight, exiting into the summer's heat.

    Ralph, I need to find Ralph. He was always good at listening. The sun is beaming down, warming my face to unbearable levels as I head teary eyed towards his house. Upon approaching the red wooden door something crashes into me and I fall flat on my back. Ah, that hurt, I think rubbing my head. As I open my dazed eyes and try to focus on what hit me I hear a familiar comforting voice.

    "Hey! I'm going to the lake! You come too! And be quick about it!"

    Ha! Just like Ralph, always in a hurry. So adventurous and carefree. He pulls me off the bone dry path and sprints off towards the edge of our sleepy town. There are only six houses in the village and so it was kind of inevitable that Ralph and I would become friends, especially as our mothers are.

    "Hey, you saw that news report that was on TV, right. Search for the Red Gyarados!"

    "Yeah. Why?"

    I smile at him. When he gets this excited I can tell he is up to something.

    "Well, I bet our local lake has a Pokémon in it, too! So that's what we're gonna do. We'll go find a Pokémon like that!"

    And with that Ralph was off again. I love the lake. It's cool, refreshing waters are very welcome on days like today when to only way to escape its heat was to plunge into the lakes depths.

    We burst onto the Lake Verity, carefree and excited, when Ralph stops suddenly.

    "What's going on…?"

    Up ahead we see an old man dressed in a winter cloak and what looks to be his assistant. Why, in this heat, would he be wearing something like that? They are standing in some tall grass looking out onto the lake. There's something about this old man that makes me feel uneasy.

    "Professor, there's nothing out of the ordinary on the other side, either!"

    The young assistant looks to be as uneasy me. The professor then speaks in a barely audible whisper that would send a shiver down the spine of a dewgong.

    "Hmm… I may have been mistaken… Or… You could look harder."

    Suddenly the assistant drops to his knees, clutching his eyes.

    "Ahhhhhh! Please… Ahh, Profffffesor… pleeeeease…"

    The sickening sound of the assistants pain filled cries begins to boil my blood. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my body but can do nothing to help. I am frozen to the spot. In fear? I don't know but even if I was brave enough what could I do against something like that?

    The professor turns to see us. If I wasn't scared before, I certainly am now. My heart is racing like never before and I reach out to grab Ralph's hand. The contact reassures me somewhat as I feel his warmth.

    "Boy, come"

    His cold voice comes out of nowhere as he heads towards us. I feel as though my heart may burst through my chest. I take a sharp intake of breath as he passes us. The air turns bitterly cold, all of summer's heat is extinguished as he pauses and stares into Ralph's eyes. Whether brave or foolish, Ralph stares back. I grip his hand even tighter. For a moment I feel a sharp frost come from Ralph's hand, but I quickly dismiss it as paranoia. The old man breaks his gaze and exits with his assistant following in his stead. I glace at the boy as he passes. He is hunched over and as I notice his eyes, my stomach turns. His eyes are dark red with blood and have a look of deep despair.

    I collapse to the ground, reeling at what had just happened. What has just happened? I go over the events quickly in my head. What the hell? Who was that man?! What did he do? The assistants eyes… I shake my head not being able to make any sense of it. I pick myself up and look for Ralph. He is standing over by the lakeside, staring at a briefcase in the tall grass. The case looks to be made of worn brown leather and doesn't look particularly secure. As I walk towards him a wave of dread washes over me.

    "Ralph? Are you okay? Ralph!?"

    My cry snaps him into action. He smiles at me.

    "Hey, look at this. It's… a briefcase. Those people forgot it. Perhaps we should take it back to them."

    "Are you kidding me?! Didn't you see what he did to his assistant? Ralph… That wasn't right. Seriously, let's just get the hell out of here. He really scared me."

    My heart begins racing once more as I plead with Ralph. My head is full of questions. Who was he? What did he do? Why did he leave this case? Before I knew what was happening I was knocked flying off my feet. I was then struck again, hard on the head this time. A blinding pain shoots through my skull. I hold my head in my hands to protect it from another blow and close my eyes tight. I can hear screeching and a strong wind.

    "Arrrrrg! Keep your head down Linda!"

    I open my eyes to see Ralph holding up the case and what appears to be two wild starlys dive bombing him from the sky. The first starly beats its wings together to knock Ralph off his feet. The second then tackles him hard in the chest.


    "Ralph! No!"

    The case lands before me, opens up and its contents spill onto the sun dried grass. Some paper goes flying up into the air and three poke balls roll towards me. I look across to Ralph. He is being repeatedly tackled by the wild Pokémon. Blood begins to trickle down his face. My breathing gets heavier, my adrenaline is pumping and before I know what I am doing I've grabbed the closest poke ball.

    [B][I]Thank you for reading. If you liked what you read click the link in my sig which contains more chapters. Thanks once again I really appreciate it. :-)
    Episode 1 of my great nuzlocke adventure in FireRed Omega:
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    Old March 2nd, 2013 (5:23 PM). Edited March 2nd, 2013 by Maced.
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    Maced Maced is offline
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      Join Date: Oct 2012
      Location: U.S.A
      Gender: Male
      Posts: 19
      Your story had nice description, but unfortunately your story suffers from what I like to call the overly mechanical plot syndrome. That is the plot of your story has been done thousands and thousands of times. There is no limit to how many of the same stories come out every year with the same "I wana be the very best" plot. The sad truth is, It gets to a point were many experienced readers don't bother informing most writers of the fandom about it . It should be obvious, if you do your research into the fandom, that is if your serious about becoming a good writer, research must be done.

      That's okay. Your probably underexposed to it anyway. If you read pokemon fan fictions you'll realize that most new writers of the fandom start with the same plot. I just wish new writers knew about more often. We tend to find these kinds of stories predictable, which contributes to their blandness. We almost know what's going to happen. Your characters are uninvolving, Linda seems very rude lashing out at her mother for almost no reason.

      "Look! If I had wanted to go I would have. I don't need you telling me what I should do!"
      Her mother was just suggesting that she leave on that journey the protagonist had always dreamed of. Very rude of her, even if it was for the sake of not leaving her alone. For the reader, the story instantly dies if they don't care about the main character. If your going to make Linda rude, give us a reason why she is, that way we could better understand. Not doing so is just bad writing. The main character must be likeable, compelling, or in the very least redeemable. Let me explain, if Linda was rude, there should have been something redeemable about her in the 1st chapter. It should have been something that indicates a change of her unlikeable ways [also known as character development]. That would compel me to continue reading the rest of the story.

      Increase the stakes a little more than just, "I wana be the very best." What happends if she can't be the best? What then? Will she just disappear off the face of the earth? Explain the characters motivation, define who the person is, and provide reasons for what they do.

      "Ahhhhhh! Please… Ahh, Profffffesor… pleeeeease…"

      and with that I must go. Hope I helped.
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      Old March 3rd, 2013 (9:31 AM).
      DaveyBouge's Avatar
      DaveyBouge DaveyBouge is offline
        Join Date: Feb 2013
        Location: UK
        Gender: Male
        Nature: Hasty
        Posts: 9
        Hey. Thanks for reading and for the feedback. I understand your point and where you are coming from. This is my first story so all notes are welcome. I would love you to read on as I feel that I have addressed the issues you described in the next chapters. Although the redeemable features in Linda may need to be addressed in the first chapter so as you say people will read on.

        Cheers again. I'm working hard on writing as I am enjoying it so your comments will help me improve. I would love you to read on and tell me what you think. (Click the link in my sig for the next chapters). I feel I am improving. I hope you do too.
        Episode 1 of my great nuzlocke adventure in FireRed Omega:
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