Pokémon Painite Chronicles Vol. 1

Started by AXELXu7 April 5th, 2013 9:39 PM
  • 1422 views
  • 2 replies
  • Poll

Continue?

AXELXu7

Kusari Ninja

Male
Sorry, no.
Seen February 14th, 2019
Posted December 20th, 2016
38 posts
10.1 Years
New edition here:

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=299966
This signature has been disabled.
Signature too tall.
Please review and fix the issues by reading the signature rules.

You must edit it to meet the limits set by the rules before you may remove the [sig-reason] code from your signature. Removing this tag will re-enable it.

Do not remove the tag until you fix the issues in your signature. You may be infracted for removing this tag if you do not fix the specified issues. Do not use this tag for decoration purposes.
Age 36
Seen 17 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Your story goes by way too fast. Vincent wakes up in a forest and seems to accept pretty quickly that he can't remember a thing. There's no hesitation on his part about that, and he doesn't seem to really react when he gets any clue about his past. He just keeps moving. A lot happened in these four chapters, and as a reader it's a lot to take in because there's no slow-down. Vincent never takes a break, so the reader can't, and it's just a lot to take in at once.

Another thing that I noticed is that your Pokemon battle descriptions are very...technical. They read exactly as the video game reads, right down to the Pokemon's HP being in the red. Those terms are fine for the games, but in stories, you're not writing about data. You're writing about creatures that are walking and reacting in a world that's real to them. So Raichu's HP isn't in the red. Raichu's not able to run as fast, his fur is black in places where he's burned, there's a few cuts staining his fur red with blood. Zangoose doesn't use Scratch. He charges at Sentret, claws held ready, tearing into his opponent's body with all the strength he can muster. You want to make Pokemon battles exciting to read about because they should be exciting to your characters. It's much more interesting to read about how the Pokemon move during battle than just simple technical terms that most people ignore by smashing the A button.

There's a good mystery here, and it's going to be interesting to see what Vincent can uncover about his past and why he can't remember a thing. The two issues that I pointed out, if you improve on them, can make your story a little easier to get into. Good luck!

Avatar credit: Fairy

AXELXu7

Kusari Ninja

Male
Sorry, no.
Seen February 14th, 2019
Posted December 20th, 2016
38 posts
10.1 Years
Your story goes by way too fast. Vincent wakes up in a forest and seems to accept pretty quickly that he can't remember a thing. There's no hesitation on his part about that, and he doesn't seem to really react when he gets any clue about his past. He just keeps moving. A lot happened in these four chapters, and as a reader it's a lot to take in because there's no slow-down. Vincent never takes a break, so the reader can't, and it's just a lot to take in at once.

Another thing that I noticed is that your Pokemon battle descriptions are very...technical. They read exactly as the video game reads, right down to the Pokemon's HP being in the red. Those terms are fine for the games, but in stories, you're not writing about data. You're writing about creatures that are walking and reacting in a world that's real to them. So Raichu's HP isn't in the red. Raichu's not able to run as fast, his fur is black in places where he's burned, there's a few cuts staining his fur red with blood. Zangoose doesn't use Scratch. He charges at Sentret, claws held ready, tearing into his opponent's body with all the strength he can muster. You want to make Pokemon battles exciting to read about because they should be exciting to your characters. It's much more interesting to read about how the Pokemon move during battle than just simple technical terms that most people ignore by smashing the A button.

There's a good mystery here, and it's going to be interesting to see what Vincent can uncover about his past and why he can't remember a thing. The two issues that I pointed out, if you improve on them, can make your story a little easier to get into. Good luck!
I'm not gonna lie, I've been half-assing it up until now just because I wanted to get the story out. If people accepted it, I would turn it into a rom hack. That's why I included the poll. I never considered the delivery.might have to do with its acceptance. I have to start over. Thanks for the criticism. You've paid the most attention.
This signature has been disabled.
Signature too tall.
Please review and fix the issues by reading the signature rules.

You must edit it to meet the limits set by the rules before you may remove the [sig-reason] code from your signature. Removing this tag will re-enable it.

Do not remove the tag until you fix the issues in your signature. You may be infracted for removing this tag if you do not fix the specified issues. Do not use this tag for decoration purposes.