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Originally Posted by Towerizer
thanks for the help man!
i do have a more serious mater at hand, I'm on leave visiting my family and they all have sticks up their asses except for my dad ( I've really only spent time with him since everyone is in such a pissy mood). none of them want to try to resolve their problems and just want to sweep everything under the rug. is there any advice you guys could give? I'd try an intervention but they wont listen to each other and will just get pissed off. any help would be great!
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If your family members keep sweeping things under the rug then it will eventually build up and someone will explode. It'll probably become far worse than you could imagine. It's best to deal with any issue as soon as possible. Find any member of the family whom you trust that knows of your situation who is not part of it, preferably older, and have him or her be on your "team" -- the neutral-unbiased-as-possible side when confronting other family members. You and whoever is involved needs to deal with this eventually. Discuss, plan on how to deal with the issue. A pair of people trying to deal with the issue is better than one. But if it's just yourself, then the following will apply still...
Be as neutral and fair as possible, and forget about if they will "just get pissed off". Don't fear, confront them in a patient, humble, loving manner; as a friend. When confronting them, don't attack, don't play the blame game, don't assume anything, what you may know may just be the tip of the iceberg. But state your case and listen and to one side first and then to the other. Confront one in private, and if there are more people involved then confront each one of them in private first. If more than one is involved, try to have them agree to have each other sit down to discuss this, and have them agree to be honest as possible without being angry. Anger will not solve anything, and only at best solve something temporarily, which isn't what you want. Tell them that you're doing this because you care about them and don't want any more division among your family members. If they get pissed off, calm them down first before you go on -- people are most rational when they're calm.
Whatever the issues are go to the root of the problem. The root of the problem could be someone's pride, selfishness, or lusts, fears...But you won't know for sure unless you ask the right questions. Don't ask "yes or no" questions but ask open ended questions like "who", "what", "when", "where", "why", "how"? "What happened?" "Why did you do this?" "How would you feel if you are in his shoe?", "what is your greatest fear in this situation?" as a few examples. You will get a far better understanding of the situation and how to tackle the situation if you ask these kinds of questions. If you must ask a "yes" or "no" question, make sure to follow up with a who, what, when, etc. question. So, understand both sides thoroughly first, before you try solving the situation for both sides.
Be firm in trying to stay as neutral as possible and be firm in having them not start a fight. Be firm in not allowing them to play the blame game when in the end, most likely, they both (all) have done something wrong and have contributed in this iceberg of full of grudges, bitterness, and hurt. Encourage them to admit and see their own wrongs first before they start pointing fingers at other people. That's one of the greatest steps -- admitting their own wrong. Other steps that needs to happen during your confrontation has to include forgiveness, a desire to turn away from all the wrong that they've done, and develop a habit of doing what is right. One of them definitely include to commit to never to be rug-sweepers ever again.
You confronting them is not just a one day confrontation, it could be days, even weeks of discussion before things are solved. Ask for at least half an hour of their time first in dealing with the situation. If it's unsolved, ask for another discussion on a different day. Keep doing this until you truly know for a fact the issue is solved or that dealing this situation is not possible in your hands. If that's the case, encourage them to see a professional counselor.
Before doing all of this though, some thing should be done on your part first. If you have wronged any of them and have swept anything under the rug that has to do with them, then apologize and ask for their forgiveness first before you deal with their issues. By doing so may just cause others to break their pride of confronting their own issues. If you don't do that, you may be seen as a hypocrite or "holier than thou". That's no good.
All that said, good luck and best wishes to you. Interventions are no easy task, but it's gotta be done. The sooner the better.