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Old February 10th, 2005 (4:22 AM).
Geometric-sama's Avatar
Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
The Manly Man of Steel
     
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    memory
    by Jedi_Amara

    Author's Note: A one-shot as usual. For me, this is a rare full first-person story; most of mine that include first-person perspectives are mixed first- and third-person POVs, so enjoy. In time-honoured tradition (ie. like two of my previous fanfics), Jordan and Jake are named after pop-punk band members - New Found Glory's lead singer Jordan Pundik and Something With Numbers' vocalist Jake Griggs. Katy is named after Katy Steele, lead singer of the Western Australian alt-pop band Little Birdy. Music I was listening to while writing this: Brock Downey - "Where U Go" CDS; New Found Glory - "Catalyst". Anything else? Nah.

    Disclaimers: Same as usual. I don't own Pokmon etc., I do own my OCs (NOT the TV show)... yeah, I'll admit I thought OCs were something to do with "The OC" the first time I saw the initialism... well, I don't own "The OC" either, now that I've mentioned it.


    <!--insert story here-->

    "It sucks to be you," I told Katy gleefully. She didn't say anything, just gazed at me balefully from those big round eyes. As usual, the friendly joke had gone right over her head. I patted her absentmindedly on the trunk; she let out a gentle noise, almost like a Persian's purr, except friendlier. Although, I had to admit, I hadn't seen that many Persian - it was pretty much the boss's, and that one I had run into out on the street with its trainer one time when I had been doing the grocery shopping. That particular experience hadn't done much to foster my (basically non-existent) love of Persian; big Whitey (that's what I'd named it in my head) had chased me down the street, claws out, making me drop all my bags. Talk about trainers not being able to control their Pokmon! I got in trouble for coming home without the shopping, too. Well, it wasn't my fault that the trainer had been some spoilt rich kid who refused to pay up. You would think that, with all that money, he could afford to spare some. Mom managed to scrape together a few meals, but we had gone a bit hungry that week - as we had several times since then. It had been like that ever since Dad walked out.

    Dad - I didn't really remember him that much. After all, the guy had just gone out and not come back when I was six. All I could really recall of him was a big shape giving me rides on his Donphan and taking me out for a burger once in a while. And come to think of it, I didn't even know if that had been him or one of Mom's boyfriends. She had gone through a lot of them around that time - trying to replace Dad, or drown out the memories of him. I don't know if it worked, but after a couple of years she'd stopped going out. She threw herself into her work and didn't pay much attention to me and Jordan, except when she needed us for something.

    I missed Jordan sometimes. Three years younger than me, he was living my dream - out on the road with his team, travelling and battling. While we were really close, I had to admit that I did resent him sometimes, just for being able to go out and do that. I really did wonder if he appreciated what he had and what he was allowed to do, being the younger kid. Pokmon training - it had been my dream since before I had been old enough to understand what it really meant. Later, after my dad left, I found out that he had been an excellent trainer in his youth, although he'd been perpetually unsure of himself and his abilities. Perhaps those insecurities had carried through to his adulthood, been the reason he had left us. In any case, I'd wanted to become a trainer when I turned ten, but Mom had other plans for me. "I need you to help with the business," she'd said, and being the oldest I'd had to acquiesce. I didn't really mind the work (although cleaning was always exhausting), but sometimes I wished that we could work somewhere else - not in this cold, hard, factory-like building, hidden as it was behind a mask of emptiness. A hideaway, really - or hideout. Perhaps it was a facade for something not so nice, but I didn't know - all I knew was that we were never allowed to call the boss by his real name, though everyone knew it was Giovanni.

    I'd never been allowed to have a Pokmon; Mom said it was too much work and too expensive to keep one, even if I was going to look after it all by myself. I knew I could take care of one, though. It could eat my food - I didn't need to eat so much. I was big for my age anyway. Mom had other ideas - not even a Mr. Mime who could help in the business was the right Pokmon for her family. That's where Katy came in.

    Katy was, technically, an "illegal immigrant". I'd smuggled her into the house, in a way. That is, she was always right under Mom's nose (or maybe not quite, but definitely very visible) but Mom never saw her - or never saw what she really was. I didn't understand how Mom could be so sharp-eyed about a speck of dust left after my vacuuming and so blind when it came to Katy - who was, after all, bigger than a fully-grown Ivysaur, and bright blue to boot - but it was definitely a bonus for me. I made a special pet of Katy - working in HQ, as everyone called it, wasn't a great job for a 15-year-old, since there was never anyone else of the same age to talk to. Katy filled that gap in my life, became the friend I needed.

    Bending down from my perch on the edge of the desk, I rubbed Katy's head, muttering softly to her.
    "Now, if you're good, you might even grow up to be a big strong Donphan... now, wouldn't that be nice?"
    Katy didn't respond - but then again, she very rarely did. It didn't matter - I talked enough, and thought enough, for both of us. I grinned - it was nice to have some time to myself, just to spend with Katy. Time was a commodity that I never had enough of - there was too much work to be done.

    "Jake! Are you talking to that vacuum cleaner again?"
    I sighed, stood up and went to see what my mom wanted this time.

    <!--end story-->
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      #2    
    Old February 13th, 2005 (8:41 AM).
    Lily's Avatar
    Lily Lily is offline
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    *apologizes* ;_;

    As usual, your one shot was really cute, in my opinion anyway. =] It could be just me, but the story seemed to be consisted of a *lot* of explanations. Although there is no real action in here, it still served to be a amusing one shot, especially the last dialogue. Very nice. X3

    I've never seen these kind of one shots before, I admit...o.o; I mean- it's short, not much action involved, a lot of history background, and yet it turned out great. Your background information was distributed nicely along with the fic. Eh, what can I say...I'm not the best at constructive criticism. >__>; We have frostweaver for that!

    Good job, JA, as always.
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      #3    
    Old February 13th, 2005 (5:39 PM).
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    Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
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      Thanks Lily . Yeah, if you read the sequel to this one (accolade) you'll find that it's more of a background fic. I'm not sure why I wrote those two, but maybe it's because I've been listening to even more GC than usual lately... the twins' father walked out on them when they were 16...
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      "One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
      Albert Einstein

      "What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
      Benjamin Franklin

      "Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
      Bertrand Russell

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        #4    
      Old March 17th, 2005 (11:14 PM).
      Aiya Quackform's Avatar
      Aiya Quackform Aiya Quackform is offline
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        Very nice character you have here, JA. You express his voice quite well, and that's not easy to do. As Lily said, there isn't any real external conflict, but this was all about internal conflict. It's a little confusing, you talking about him working for TR but not really explaining it. I suppose that's in the sequel. Anyway, a couple of grammar things...

        Quote:
        big Whitey
        If that's a name, shouldn't it be [b]B[/i]ig Whitey, with both words capitalized?

        Quote:
        I got in trouble for coming home without the shopping, too.
        Shopping is a verb, and doesn't work here. "Groceries" would be an appropriate alternative.

        You use single dashes a lot. I'm not sure if this is a rule, (I think it is,) but you should use a double dash "--" to seperate thoughts, and a single dash "-" to connect words. I.e. "when it came to Katy -- who was, after all..." & "factory-like building..." Also, you used dashes to seperate thoughts a lot. I didn't see a real problem, but you should be careful of overuse. If you use dashes too often, they'll lose their significance.

        Quote:
        Perhaps those insecurities had carried through to his adulthood, been the reason he had left us.
        I'm not sure if this is grammatically correct, but it doesn't sound right to me. Maybe they should be re-written as two sentences, or rewritten & connected with a semi-colon. Of course, these are the character's thoughts so you're given a bit more leeway with grammatical correctness.


        Oh, and I'm really happy to see that you wrote "Pokmon" with the "" in stead of "e."

        Overall, really nice one-shot!
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          #5    
        Old March 18th, 2005 (8:23 AM).
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          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Aiya Quackform
          Shopping is a verb, and doesn't work here.
          Shopping can be used both ways. Par se, in the UK, no one at all says groceries, and everyone says shopping. Whilst its not an official term, it is recognised as Standard English and all that.
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          Old March 18th, 2005 (7:52 PM).
          Aiya Quackform's Avatar
          Aiya Quackform Aiya Quackform is offline
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            Quote:
            Originally Posted by Mr Cat Dog
            Shopping can be used both ways. Par se, in the UK, no one at all says groceries, and everyone says shopping. Whilst its not an official term, it is recognised as Standard English and all that.
            In the UK it may be acceptable, but certainly not in the US. It's JA's call.
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              #7    
            Old March 19th, 2005 (4:57 AM).
            Geometric-sama's Avatar
            Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
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              Whitey is the name; big is the description. XD I'm Australian; "shopping" is a noun here.
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              "One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
              Albert Einstein

              "What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
              Benjamin Franklin

              "Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
              Bertrand Russell

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                #8    
              Old March 20th, 2005 (12:15 PM).
              oni flygon's Avatar
              oni flygon oni flygon is offline
              :)
                 
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                Pretty good!
                Congrats... another fic of yours goes to the fanfic of the week!
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                  #9    
                Old March 20th, 2005 (2:13 PM).
                Geometric-sama's Avatar
                Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
                The Manly Man of Steel
                   
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                  Uh, ah, um, thanks Niko dear~ Uh, ah, but it's one of my worst fanfics . Um, thanks anyway XD.
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                  "One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
                  Albert Einstein

                  "What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
                  Benjamin Franklin

                  "Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
                  Bertrand Russell

                  avatar and signature by FoxHound

                  ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
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                    #10    
                  Old March 20th, 2005 (3:59 PM).
                  oni flygon's Avatar
                  oni flygon oni flygon is offline
                  :)
                     
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                    It's true that you're your own worst critic... don't say that something is your worst when some see it as better than the other...
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                      #11    
                    Old March 21st, 2005 (3:15 AM).
                    Geometric-sama's Avatar
                    Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
                    The Manly Man of Steel
                       
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                      OK then Niko I still think Summer is better though XD Actually, the sequel/companion to this one is probably better than it XD
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                      "One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
                      Albert Einstein

                      "What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
                      Benjamin Franklin

                      "Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
                      Bertrand Russell

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                      ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
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