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  #1    
Old July 12th, 2013 (4:57 PM). Edited July 24th, 2013 by AdvancedPokeShipper.
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Ash's Life: POKESHIPPED
     
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    It was a warm, perfect day in Hoenn for Ash Ketchum, from Pallet town to start his newest adventure with his partner Pikachu.

    Unfortunately, Pikachu had been struck by team rocket's Electromagnet and had it's electrical energy build up so high that it may explode.

    Prof. Birch, one of Oak's colleagues, met ash in the Littleroot town port and rushed back to his lab with the confused and disorientated Pikachu. The machine that was used to absorb it's power was utterly destroyed.

    May, a Sixteen year old girl who, like Misty, was bossy and uptight, but she was more laid back than Misty, was on her way to get her very first Pokemon, she had to help the professor get away from a pack of wild Pokemon, May Choose's a Mudkip, a water type. Sadly instead of hitting the pack with water gun, it hit May straight in the face.

    Later on at the lab, Pikachu Thunders out all of its built up electricity on Team Rocket and blasts them of again, and to make matters worse, the attack charred May's bike

    Soon after Pikachu was awake and well. May had chosen Torchic, a playful fire type was lost by may chasing after Ash's Pikachu, Pikachu jumped on Ash's shoulder, And as he slowly looked up, Their Eyes Met. Ash, still startled mumbled
    Complete jibberish until he fell over like a tree getting cut in the woods, may broke the silence, Hi I'm May, I'm from Petalburg city, I see that you met Torchic. Ash slightly nodded, and said, Umm ahhhh Well bye, before sprinting off before may could say any more.

    Ash Sprinted back to the lab thinking, I will meet her again...

    Next Chapter
    Ash and May: A Little Troublemaker
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      #2    
    Old July 13th, 2013 (2:17 AM).
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    Satoshi Ookami Satoshi Ookami is offline
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    You seem to just have rewritten the first episode of Hoenn saga...
    You should empathize when characters are talking, though... :/
    And if I were you I would lengthen the chapters... this is too short to even be called chapter... :/
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    Old July 17th, 2013 (7:57 PM).
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      I do have to agree with Ash that this chapter is a little lacking. Even if you're just going to be retelling the events that happened in canon, you should do more for it than just summarizing. With a Pokemon episode, if you want to get everything mentioned in the episode and don't add a lot of description, you're looking at a twenty-four-page chapter. Or darn close to it.

      Actually, that's some advice to give that I've seen spoken around. When writing a story like this where you can separate the chapters into television episodes, each page should be a minute. Since shows are twenty-two minutes long, you could have around twenty pages for your chapter.

      I know you're worried a bit about grammar, so I'm going to point out a few things for you to pay attention to.

      Quote:
      It was a warm, perfect day in Hoenn for Ash Ketchum, from Pallet town to start his newest adventure with his partner Pikachu.
      "Town" after "Pallet" should be capitalized since it's part of the location's name.

      Also, this information could be broken up into more sentences. That way, you're not cramming everything in at once.

      Quote:
      Unfortunately, Pikachu had been struck by team rocket's Electromagnet and had it's electrical energy build up so high that it may explode.
      "Team Rocket" is also capitalized because it's a proper name. "Electromagnet," on the other hand, should be. Also, "it's" is the contraction of "it is", so you want "its" without the apostrophe.

      Quote:
      Prof. Birch, one of Oak's colleagues, met ash in the Littleroot town port and rushed back to his lab with the confused and disorientated Pikachu. The machine that was used to absorb it's power was utterly destroyed.
      "Ash" should be capitalized since it's his name. Same with "Littleroot Town." Once again, you're looking for "its power." This is also an example of summarizing events. Instead of just saying that Birch met up with Ash and the machine was destroyed, write out the battle. How did Ash escape from Team Rocket? How did the electromagnet hurt Pikachu? How did Birch and Ash meet up?

      Quote:
      May, a ten year old girl who, like Misty, was bossy and uptight, but she was more laid back than Misty, was on her way to get her very first Pokemon, she had to help the professor get away from a pack of wild Pokemon, May Choose's a Mudkip, a water type.
      This is all one sentence when it should at least be three. I'd also suggest not telling the reader what May's personality is like and showing it through her actions and thoughts. Don't compare her to Misty, in case there are readers who don't know what Misty was like.

      As for capitalization, "chose" is the word you're looking for, and it doesn't need to be capitalized.

      Quote:
      may broke the silence, Hi I'm May, I'm from Petalburg city, I see that you met Torchic. Ash slightly nodded, and said, Umm ahhhh Well bye, before sprinting off before may could say any more.
      The first "May" should be capitalized, and you're missing the quotation marks around the dialogue. You also need to put Ash's dialogue in a separate paragraph. So when you fix everything up, it'll look like:
      Quote:
      May broke the silence. "Hi! I'm May! I'm from Petalburg City. I see that you met Torchic."

      Ash slightly nodded, and said, "Umm... Ahhhh... Well bye!" He sprinted off before May could say any more.
      Also, I get that this is a romance fic, but you should still keep the characters and their personalities in mind. Ash doesn't get embarrassed by pretty girls (or at least not that I know of). He's just not like that. So he wouldn't get all flustered by May talking to him. Heck, he'd probably be more interested in her Torchic because it's a new Pokemon that he hasn't seen before and Ash just gets too excited over Pokemon.

      There's a few more grammar issues that I found, but they're mostly repeats of the ones I already pointed out. You can probably spot them yourself after this.

      As for the story itself, I'll admit that I'm not a big fan of romance fics staring Ash. The way he is just doesn't work well with how a lot of writers handle him in romance fics. You can do it if you work at it, but Ash is just a difficult one to work with when writing romance. You should take more time when writing the chapters and not just summarize what's happening. Show what's happening and how the characters interact and meet one another.

      Good luck!
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      Old July 22nd, 2013 (9:00 PM).
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        ok but i dont have much of an attention span
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        Old July 23rd, 2013 (6:08 PM).
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          After Ash had sprinted back to the lab, Prof. Birch asked him to pick up a fragile Pokemon egg from Oldale town, then deliver it to the Petalburg Gym. As Ash was about to walk out the door, May burst in, Startled, Ash accidentally knocked over a drawer full of pokeballs. Soon enough, Ash had two Taillow pecking at him.
          May stood there, trying not to laugh, and said "Umm Do you need a hand there". Ash slowly got up and said "yeah about ten seconds ago".

          As Ash was about to leave to Oldale town Prof. Birch mentioned "I don't think your careful enough to go by yourself Ash, May you travel with him until he reaches Petalburg City". "Aww do I have to" May whined,
          "Come on May, It'll be fun".
          "Ok I'm coming", May whinged.

          On their trip towards Oldale town, Ash, Managed to capture a young Ninjask, a small bug pokemon to start his journey. May stood their, and said, "You've never seen a Ninjask before, you so weird". "I've never been to Hoenn before, Dummie" Ash teased.

          As the two finally reached the Oldale Outskirts, they saw a tall man sprinting towards them, "are you the deliverers" he said panting, "yeah" they replied, "the egg is about to hatch so deliver it quick", he said as he ran back."ok" they both said, confused.

          Quickly, they sprinted towards Petalburg city, Ash said "wow, nothing stopped us on that trip, it seems kinda weird". They arrived in the city, "Hi Dad" May screamed as she busted into her house, "where is everyone" May said, as she ran upstairs. Ash laid the egg down and heard May crying, he went upstairs and asked "hey what's up May", "Mum must be out"she said. "Well, at least we have some spare time together", Ash said, "What do you mean"said May. Well, umm, ha this is kinda embarrassing but I sorta have the hots for you",Ash Exclaimed. May... Blushing hard Mumbled, "umm yeah ha um whaa? All of a sudden "Hi I'm Max nice to meet ya, how are you". "Wow calm down" ash grunted, "Max, you ruin everything" May raged. "Ooh, we're you guys doing something" he blurted. May swung at him. "Gotta be quicker than tha..., He got a mouthful of May hand. "MUM, MAY HIT ME!!! Whined Max.

          As dusk rolled in it was time for the two to get some sleep,"Ok May, thanks for having me over today" Ash said. "That's ok, Wait where will you go?" May Asked. "The Pokemon centre" Ash said, "why don't you stay here for the night Ash, You could stay in my room?", May Thoughtfully asked. "Well ok, hope you don't mind". Said Ash. As they were falling asleep, May overheard Ash talking to Pikachu, "Hey buddy, I don't know if you've noticed it but, do you think May Sorta likes more than a friend? Cause I think she does…", "Of course I do Ash", May said. "Really May?, well, thanks. Goodnight May" Ash said, "Goodnight Ash... Sweet dreams. May said as she blew him a kiss.
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            #6    
          Old July 23rd, 2013 (11:55 PM).
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          Eh... kinda... VERY OOC they are...
          While the first episode was slow, this was too fast... :/
          You need to maintain the medium tempo...
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            #7    
          Old July 24th, 2013 (12:34 AM).
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            Aren't fanfic supposed to be about the writers choice, I mean I'm a kid, an I know I'm no Shakespeare but Its going Slow at start and then either a lead up or a massive detailed finish. I mean no offence,
            But don't I have a choice on what happens in my stories.
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            Old July 24th, 2013 (8:58 AM).
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              True, but if you want to grow and improve as a writer, you have to work on things like pacing. (I still can't do it myself. Sob.) And as a note: if you can, post all of your chapters in the same thread. That way yo have one neat place to find everything, and don't spam up the rest of the board.
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                #9    
              Old July 24th, 2013 (9:49 AM).
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                Quote:
                Originally Posted by AdvancedPokeShipper View Post
                Aren't fanfic supposed to be about the writers choice, I mean I'm a kid, an I know I'm no Shakespeare but Its going Slow at start and then either a lead up or a massive detailed finish. I mean no offence,
                But don't I have a choice on what happens in my stories.
                You somewhat have a choice as to what happens in your story. But, especially with fanfic when writing about canon characters, you have to keep them in-character. Ash Ketchum would never blurt out that he has "the hots" for another girl. He is (if you honestly believe it) ten-years-old. And his thoughts would probably be "new Pokemon! Gotta train it! Funny Team Rocket didn't try to take it. Oh well gotta train Ninjask!" And, if he saw a new Pokemon, he'd at least use his Pokedex to check it out first.

                There's also the matter that you don't really have a choice with pacing. Yes, you can write your story to move along at a quick manner, but you're leaving out a lot of details. Especially when writing romance, you can't just not write how the relationship develops and how the two characters grow to like one another.

                Also, you're rushing through the journey. If you took the time to write out how May and Ash spent their days traveling from Littleroot to Oldale to Petalburg, you could develop their characters and relationships to one another and their Pokemon to be more believable.

                Quote:
                And as a note: if you can, post all of your chapters in the same thread. That way yo have one neat place to find everything, and don't spam up the rest of the board.
                This is true too. I already had to merge two of your threads together before merging your second chapter of this story with your first. This is covered in the rules thread of this forum.
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                  #10    
                Old July 24th, 2013 (1:49 PM).
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                  Umm I'm sorry ash is portrayed as a 16 year old in the story, as in misty's story. Plus idk how to merge stories I just write them. I'm not taking this seriously, I'm not gonna be a writer or something
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                    #11    
                  Old July 24th, 2013 (7:35 PM).
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                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by AdvancedPokeShipper View Post
                  Umm I'm sorry ash is portrayed as a 16 year old in the story, as in misty's story. Plus idk how to merge stories I just write them. I'm not taking this seriously, I'm not gonna be a writer or something
                  No need to merge - just post the next chapter in this thread as a post, rather than making a new thread.

                  It's up to you in how 'serious' you take writing, but look at it this way - if someone has the choice of reading a story where one doesn't take it seriously, just writing what they want which might not make sense to the reader, have some mistakes, etc, or a story with a bit more effort put into it by the author, they'll tend to prefer the latter.

                  That, and it can be more fun to write more detail (and more fun to read about as well). Rather than a short paragraph about how Ash caught a Ninjask, that could be a whole scene (or chapter, if you were ambitious). You could play around with the scene - say try to make the capture exciting or funny or whatnot. If you show the reader more on what happens then it'll be more intriguing then 'On their trip towards Oldale town, Ash, Managed to capture a young Ninjask'. There's not much exciting about that. And given the main point about Pokemon is, well, the Pokemon themselves (along with battles and capturing), to skip that is more of a missed opportunity.

                  Also nobody's asking you to be like Shakespeare. =p Just consider implementing the advice and show more on the events that happen.
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                    #12    
                  Old July 24th, 2013 (7:56 PM).
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                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by AdvancedPokeShipper View Post
                    Umm I'm sorry ash is portrayed as a 16 year old in the story, as in misty's story.
                    Wait. So a sixteen-year-old is thinking that a ten-year-old is "hot" and wants to sleep in her room?

                    As bobandbill said, you don't have to take your story seriously, but you're posting it online where people can comment on it. If there's parts of your story that they feel you can improve on, they're going to mention it. Although you can ignore their comments, it's not going to gain you readers, and if no one is going to read your story, what's the point in posting it?

                    Since you're writing a fanfic based around the anime, think about how the episodes are written, and apply that to your story. As was also said, the main thing about Pokemon is the Pokemon themselves, you can add so much to your story writing more scenes about them. For example, maybe Ash can use catching a Pokemon as an opportunity to talk to May more and show her what being a trainer is about. And showing them traveling together can help develop their friendship more.

                    No one is expecting perfection. The advice you're getting is only to help you get better so people will want to read your story.
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                      #13    
                    Old July 24th, 2013 (9:09 PM).
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                      i agree, i think they are not telling you that for nothing it's to help you in some one but i like to see how this turns out
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                      Old July 24th, 2013 (9:29 PM).
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                        Finally someone agrees with two party's, and I got distracted while writing and spell Check screwed up typing so may us actually 16 soz 'bout
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                          #15    
                        Old July 25th, 2013 (12:19 AM).
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                        Quote:
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                        Finally someone agrees with two party's, and I got distracted while writing and spell Check screwed up typing so may us actually 16 soz 'bout
                        You could have written that in the first chapter =)
                        Something like explaining prologue

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                        Also nobody's asking you to be like Shakespeare. =p Just consider implementing the advice and show more on the events that happen.
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                          #16    
                        Old July 25th, 2013 (3:34 AM). Edited July 25th, 2013 by Astinus.
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                          Ok ok listen (I mean read LOL) I will try to put all of the knowledge that I got into this last may chapter. As I think ahead this is not the last just the last of may being their 24/7. I'll try and I do take this seriously and sometimes I rage at what some people post, no offence. Also if ya wanna battle anytime :D 0218 3085 3656 Name: Jake. Note: Lv 100 Mew and Genesects free.

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                            #17    
                          Old March 25th, 2014 (5:13 AM).
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                            Hey guy this is around a year late but this is my final installment of May x Ash, If your new plese read my previous ones before this, thanks... APS


                            Ash and May Ch3: Meet Me Again, Ash
                            As Ash progressed on his long journey with Max and May, their adventure has gotten twice as painful since Max has been getting ever so slightly in on Ash and May's Secret.
                            "C'mon May, tell me tell me tell me tell me, Max blurted out. "NO MAX!" May Exploded. Max ran away laughing.
                            Later on in Ashs journey to become a Pokemon Master, since the first eventful gym battle in Rustboro city, to winning the Rain badge from the Sootopolis city gym, Ash and Mays friendship has been developing and a high rate. But there is still Someone there to slow them down.
                            "MAXXX!!! we are trying to have a private talk over here go make us lunch or something,"May Yelled, "ok ok don't go Ash on me hehe",Max snickered and ran off. "That kid is as annoying as you are sometimes" May said, "Wow he must be pretty annoying then" Ash chuckled, "Yeah, but he is so annoying, once about 3 years ago, I was going out with someone, and well, Max came in and ruined it" May sobbed. "Ohh" Ash said slowly, " but if that boy really cared about you, he wouldn't care about Max annoying you." Ash added, Then walked away to let what he said sink in.
                            The next morning, May woke to Ash's messed up bed and Filth. "eewww" she whimpered, "Ash should learn to clean, cause I'm sick of it".
                            Meanwhile, Ash and Pikachu where doing some special training. "Pikachu, use Thunderbolt on that boulder", Ash ordered. "Pika-CHUUUUUU". "Wow Pikachu, you just cut the rock in half, how did you do that? ", Ash Asked. Ash headed back to the Ever Grande City Pokemon centre, where they had been staying for the past few days until the Hoenn league opened.
                            He managed to make it to the Final 8 only to be knocked out by a trainer called Tyson.
                            The Hoenn league was a loss, Ash got depressed by being knocked out by Tyson, But a man named Scott, who half owned the Battle Frontier, welcomed him to fight.
                            Ash progressed through the Frontier, He beat the Tower Tycoon and the Snake Princess, only to be confronted by the Pyramid brain Brandon,
                            He was up to his final fight after 2 failed attempts he successfully defeats his, regice with Pikachu by using Iron Tail and Wiped out regice, and Scott declares him Frontier Champion.
                            "Ash is still feeling down about losing the Hoenn league" May said to Max, "Yeah, sucks to be him" Max snickered. THWACK! "You Cheeky Basterd" May shouted hitting him."OWWWWWWW, IM TELLING", Max screamed
                            As they were walking back towards Petalburg City, they stopped to have lunch,"May, What are you going to do once your in Johto" Ash said. "Compete in contests Ash" May answered.
                            Once they arrived in The city they stopped at Mays home,
                            Ash is invited inside for dinner and he accepts it."Woow this dinner is great" Ash said to Mays mum.
                            "We'll then May, I'd better get going now" Ash said, "No wait stay at my place for the night" May begged.
                            Ash had set up his bed at Mays place for the night.
                            "AH HA, I knew you two were up to something, you love eachother" Max Exclaimed. SMACK. May struck him, "Huh wheres Ash" May wondered.
                            "Ahhh i feel like crap after losing the league" Ash thought to himself, "I wish I can turn back time and redo this".
                            "Also that I have feelings for May, its just that Kid in the way". Ash sat down and started to cry.
                            "What up Ash" May asked from the other side of the park bench."Huh oh nothing May, nothing"
                            She slid over to him, "Ash i know that your leaving for sinnoh soon, and id like to wish you luck". "Thanks May, I appreciate it".
                            "May" Ash said, "Yeah?", "i dont know how to say this but,
                            I Love Y... , he was stopped mid sentence, by May's kiss," This is better than Misty", he said to himself.
                            Their lasted 5 minutes, but to Ash it lasted forever.
                            The next morning to Max's Horror, He saw them kissing. May wanted to see his face.
                            "Goodbye May, I love you", "Goodbye Ash" She said as they kissed for the last time, "I will always remember you" Ash said as he boarded the ship, May ran down the pier, Crying, "Don't cry May, I will meet you again", her tears soaked up, As she said,
                            Meet Me Again, Ash!!

                            May's Postcard:
                            Dear Ash, I wish you the best of luck in the Sinnoh region, I will visit you sometime, I love you!
                            XXXX Love May
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                              #18    
                            Old March 25th, 2014 (9:48 AM).
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                              I see from the earlier posts in your story that you already have been warned about posting your chapters in separate threads. All chapters belong in the same thread. Simply post the new chapter as a response and you'll be fine. If you haven't, go read the FF&W rules so your time here can be as enjoyable as possible.
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                                #19    
                              Old March 25th, 2014 (12:47 PM).
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                                Ok just I can't work out the new forum control panel.
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                                  #20    
                                Old March 25th, 2014 (1:51 PM).
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                                Aspiring something
                                   
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                                  What do you mean by the forum control panel?
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                                    #21    
                                  Old March 25th, 2014 (2:54 PM).
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                                  Ash's Life: POKESHIPPED
                                     
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                                    I couldn't find my old thread so i reported a new one
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                                      #22    
                                    Old March 25th, 2014 (4:21 PM).
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                                    Nolafus Nolafus is offline
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                                      Ah, you can also search this forum up at the top right of the thread menu. It's how I found your old thread to merge it in the first place, so it's a good place to start.
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                                        #23    
                                      Old March 25th, 2014 (8:47 PM).
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                                      Ash's Life: POKESHIPPED
                                         
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                                        Ok thanks ill keep that in mind
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