Hello! And welcome to FF&W! I hope you enjoy your stay.
Onto your story, then. It's an opening style I don't see much in journey fics around here - beginning in the present, and then going into a flashback that tells us about the start. It's nice to see something that makes an effort to start off a little differently; I'm certainly curious to see what Ben's going to do, and why Jake's after Bill in the first place.
You do make quite a few little typographical errors, though. Here are a few of them:
Ben handed him a cup, and sat at a chair infront of the computer.
You're missing a space between 'in' and 'front' here.
He tried not to make a bid deal out of spitting it back in.
I think you mean 'big' here, not 'bid'.
I was early
'I'? The story's been in the third person so far. I think that's probably a mistake.
That was a bit weird?
It's not a question. There shouldn't be a question mark.
Me and the professor had a be on whether you'd fall for it.
You've missed the T off 'bet'.
"Now then, if you'll just follow me outside, well get you set-up for the league.
'Set up' doesn't need a hyphen. (And 'we'll' needs an apostrophe.)
Speaking of missed apostrophes, you frequently miss contractive and possessive ones, like here:
Yeah, the professors expecting you. Seven O'Clock, right?"
and here:
He noticed the pokeballs on Jakes belt
'professors' is a contraction of 'professor is', so it needs an apostrophe before the S; 'Jakes' needs an apostrophe before the S too, since the belt belongs to Jake.
You do something a bit odd with dialogue punctuation, too:
"Bill?", Jake asked, hoping he was right.
Punctuation in direct speech stays within the quotation marks - there's no need for that comma. Just the question mark is fine.
"Yeah", Jake replied.
Again, the punctuation must stay within the quotation marks - move that comma to the other side of the inverted commas and it'll be fine. You make this mistake several times, but I'll just point it out the once.
"Oh, just Prof, will do. Sara informs me that it will "endear me to the youth"."
A quotation within double inverted commas uses single inverted commas, and vice versa. Like this:
"Oh, just Prof, will do. Sara informs me that it will 'endear me to the youth'."
Now, onto a few miscellaneous little things that are harder to neatly categorise:
A Bus pulled in to Pallet Town station
I'm not sure why you've capitalised 'Bus'. I can't see a reason for it, so I'd advise you leave it as 'bus'.
Jake still kinda stung
'Kinda' is a bit too informal for this - it doesn't fit with the tone of your prose, and would probably only work in a first-person narrative where the narrator uses words like that frequently, anyway. I'd suggest 'somewhat' or something like that as a replacement.
"Have a nice day", the Chatot, obviously trained said, and Jake nodded towards the bus driver, before stepping off.
It's a bit oddly worded, this - wouldn't it sound more natural to write 'said the Chatot, obviously trained' or 'the Chatot said, obviously trained'? As you've written it, it's a little hard to read.
This sentence also displays your odd use of commas. There doesn't need to be a comma between 'driver' and 'stepping', for instance - in fact, it's ungrammatical and makes it difficult to read. You do this at several points throughout the story, inserting pauses and breaks in sentences where they aren't necessary. Read the sentence aloud as you've punctuated it - it doesn't sound quite right, does it? Get rid of that comma and it reads much more naturally. If you're having trouble deciding where you ought to punctuate in cases like that, it helps to read through your sentences aloud to see if they sound OK.
Moving away from the syntactical side of the story, the opening is a little bland. I mean, when you set up a flashback like that, I was expecting some highly memorable event to happen - and yet, what happened was quite humdrum. It's quite a typical opening - kid goes to Professor, gets Pokémon - and so it lacks the interest that the first part of the chapter had. It ends quite weakly, too: there's nothing to make the reader think yes, this chapter has set up something good and I want to see how that plays out - and that is so important in a first chapter of all places. Ideally, you want to hook your reader, and really drag them in so that they want to come back for the next part of the story. It needs a bit more punch to be really effective.
We're also not left with much of a feeling as to what sort of person Jake is. We haven't read anything about his emotions, or his reaction to anything; he seems a bit vaguely defined. However, I'm sure that'll clear up in later chapters - I'm just flagging it here in case it becomes a concern.
So overall, it starts well - it's a quirky, different start that I haven't seen for a while - but towards the end, it gets a bit bland. After all, we all know what that first bit's like; we've seen Trainers pick their first Pokémon a thousand times before. The reader doesn't need a whole chapter to get that, unless something interesting happens at the same time. That's not to say you
can't open a story like that, if you do it really well. It's just that in this case, the story kind of peters out.
But yeah. It's not a bad story. I've given as much constructive criticism as I can (I know I'm not the best reviewer, but I try to review as completely as possible), but that's not to say it's outright bad - it isn't; it could just be made better. I'd like to see where you go with this.
Good luck with your story!