So, we have an interesting idea here that's definitely different. I'll save what I liked about it towards the end as I like to end on a good note.
Before I start, I have some critique on your author's note at the top of the thread. I started reading it, but as soon as I was being told about the setting, I moved on to the story as I feel that the story should explain everything I need to know without outside help.
After falling into recession Kanto was forced to be rid of all people who couldn’t pay taxes.
There are a couple things I have issues with this first sentence. First of all, there should be a comma after recession. Second of all, the bolded section is a little weird. You're saying Kanto like it's some sort of organization instead of a region. I think you mean the government is getting rid of all the people, not the land itself. When you say "be rid of all people" it sounds and reads weird. Try re-wording that statement around to make it less awkward.
You can still see Vermillion on the horizon, but just the gym, and all of the ships.
There's technically nothing wrong with this sentence, but it's awkwardly written. The part that sounds awkward is that you make it sound like you can only see the gym, but then you all of a sudden can see the ships. Try revising it to make it easier to read.
Living in F1 isn’t all bad, you meet useful people, get to know the rest of the region. But really, it’s just stealing to survive.
Once again we have an awkward sentence. You start off saying that living in F1 isn't so bad, but then you switch into an unrelated topic from where you began. What I mean is that you start talking about people in the first half, but then switch to how you survive. I can see what you're going for, but I'm afraid it won't quite work here. These kinds of things are mostly used when a character is contradicting what someone is trying to make them believe, not when they're contradicting themselves. When you say "get to know the rest of the region." I'm not quite sure what you mean here. I'm guessing you're not talking about the region itself, but you get to know people from different parts of the region. When you list off different things, it's good to start the last item with "and" or "or" or something like that (wow, three or's in a row...). This rounds off the idea and the reader doesn't feel cut off. I would replace the period in front of "but" with a comma. Sorry to say, but overall, this sentence doesn't work.
I was just counting up that day’s haul, seeing what I could live without. When out of a window, 1 storey above me a bluish black figure leapt down and grabbed an apple.
This section could use a little revising. First of all, you only use numbers when the number is greater than ninety-nine. You also misspelled "story". Here's what I would change it to. I was just counting up that day's haul, seeing what I could live without, when a dark figure darted through the open window from the story above and grabbed an apple. That starts to feel like a run-on sentence, but hopefully you catch my drift.
I instantly grabbed the hands trying to steal my apple, to take a closer look.
This is a little weird because I feel the main character grabbed the intruder's hands to prevent the apple from being taken. Instead of saying "to take a closer look." Try something along the lines of "and looked up at the intruder's face."
After a bit more inspection I realised it was male,
Unless this has a major role in the beginning of the story, I would leave out telling us right away the Sneasel is male. It's not necessary and this clue can be shown later on in the story when it becomes a factor.
“So, how would you like to join me?” I asked it seemed strange to ask a pokemon to join me.
Put a comma after "asked".
It hit me, a pokeball, there were 3 in that guy’s bag, and all empty for some reason.
You want "three" instead of "3".
I tapped one on Sneasel’s head and he became the well-known red light that I haven’t seen for years. I instantly let out Sneasel again so he could keep eating, that's probably why he wanted to be caught, even a little guy like him needs food.
You jumped a little between these two sentences because one moment Sneasel is being absorbed into the ball, then he's being let out. I may sound picky, but some description on how the pokeball shakes, then confirms Sneasel was caught would be nice.
Were you greeted
with, or
by your friend? There's a difference.
“Oh it was you? I didn’t see you properly with the coat on.” She laughed and shrugged. This coat hides me pretty well. I never saw the point in getting rid of it, no matter how heavy it is. “Well, Zeke, come on in. You found something good to sell to Diamond-eye?”
What happened here? Did you suddenly switch to third person? Is the main character a girl? Who's speaking when? Will I ever stop asking questions? This is where writing format is key. You have to put a gap between people speaking, such as:
"Who's there?" Character A asked into the darkness of the room.
"Relax, it's only me." Character B said coming into view of the torch light.
This way we know when a different person is supposed to be speaking. Right now it's very confusing and I can't decipher much information from the conversation.
After I got inside and the doors shut behind me, the sight was the same as always,
A bit anti-climatic here. You start the sentence off as if something is going to happen, but then nothing does. Try revising it a little.
they’re always coming up with new ways to screw you over.
Ah, a sentence easily relate-able to the modern world. I like it.
I threw my jacket off revealing my Dusknoir Vest and
cargo pants. “Nice threads, are they new?” Quake said, “They’re better than my old stuff.” To be honest I quite liked her style, especially her reddish, Silver-like hair.
Detail, detail, detail. Dusknoir vest, how does it look like Dusknoir? Does the front look like Dusknoir's face? Does it lead your soul to the ghost world? Once again, separate when characters are talking.
“Yeah, he came out of the mart with just that in his bag, it was too easy!”
Okay, don't use "he" here because it signifies that the reader is supposed to know the character, or the main character knows the person themselves. I'm guessing it was just a random guy, so let your readers know that.
Quake was surprised that I had a pokemon, never mind the fact that it is known as a thief pokemon.
Don't tell us she was surprised, show us that she was surprised. Same thing goes for Sneasel. Don't tell us it's known as a thief pokemon, show us.
As we made our way to the trainer’s goods stall, I saw a box of small bottles; they interested me more than the special pokeballs.
What special pokeballs? I wasn't even aware that there were pokeballs for sale. Either something is missing, or we don't need to know about those special pokeballs.
As I approached Diamond-eye I asked about the items and pointed. “It’s a box of protein bottles. Protein increases the Pokémon’s physical strength. I recommend these and Carbos, for your Sneasel.” It sounded like a great idea, Sneasel is probably weak at the moment, there aren’t many pokemon around here to battle against.
Did the main character answer his/her own question? Since the sentence before the dialogue was about the main character, it is assumed that the person speaking is the main character.
“I’ll bite. How much for the Protein and Carbos? Oh, what does the Carbos do, anyway?” I couldn’t help it, if it is anything like it sounds, Sneasel will toughen up in no time.
“The same as Protein, but for his speed and stamina. Now, back to business. ¥40000 minimum, unless you really did have a good haul, in that case I may lower the price, but just for you.” He replied, haggling was not an option with Diamond-eye, but trade may be.
Separate who's speaking here as well. The end of Diamond-eye's dialogue is weird since when you say "but just for you" you normally state something after it so people know that's just for you. It just ends, in awkward silence. The last bit may need some revising as well.
the only thing I could find were berries. I found a stone at the bottom and pulled it out, it was a crown of some sort.
You contradict yourself here. You say the only thing were berries, but then the king's rock comes out of nowhere. Something to revise.
When you make the main character say "only had 20,000" you make it sound like the main character doesn't have enough money. Once again, separate whenever a new character speaks.
I decided to ask Quake for a battle, she looked at me like I was crazy, “No, no thank you… What if we get ambushed, I’ll need Kangaskhan just to survive.” She replied, she was right.
A little redundant here on who's speaking. Since the sentence before was about the girl, we can safely assume it is the girl that is talking.
"We got going home." Hmm... Not the best sentence here. It's awkward wording wise and needs some revising. The conclusion here is lackluster to say the least. I could tell you got tired of writing and wanted to be dome with the chapter. Try stretching it out and adding a few more details.
That's all I have for grammar and format. I don't know if you know what the proper format is. If you need an example, here it is:
Tom swung the torch from side to side. A noise kept repeating itself down the corridor. It sounded like footsteps from a rather large boot were closer and closer with each step. Tom whipped around, facing the direction of the noise, sweat stinging his eyes.
"Who's there?" Tom called out into the darkness.
"Relax, it's only me." Robert said as he came into the torchlight.
Tom let out a sigh of relief and took Robert in a big embrace.
Now I'm not the best at description, but that's how the format goes when there is dialogue involved. This helps the reader understand who is talking and when.
One major weakness I noticed is you're lack of description. Right now, you're telling me the story, rather than showing me the story. Schools don't do a great job teaching you showing v telling, so if you want to read an article that I found pretty helpful I can PM a link to you. It's one of the hardest things of writing and takes years to master, so don't expect to become an expert right away. I still struggle, and I can guarantee that professional writers still struggle with it.
I threw him the same apple he tried to steal from me; it was scratched from the claws after all. He just sat there eating it, not protective, not hasty, he was relaxed.
Right here, you're telling me what happens. You're telling me how Sneasel eats the apple. Try asking these questions. How is the Sneasel eating it? What body language shows he's relaxed? Things like that will help you show us, rather than tell.
You missed a wonderful opportunity to give a description about this island that these people are being shipped off to. Since you gave us hardly any information, I have some questions that I would like answered within the story.
What does the island look like?
Is it an island, or a building in the middle of the ocean like oil rigs?
Is the island developed or does it look like third-world countries?
Is there a police force?
Are there any laws at all?
How did the facility get here?
How did this law pass at all?
Answering questions like that will really help out with fleshing out the story and making it really believable. You don't have to answer all of these in the first chapter, but rather make the main character find these things out later in the story. Remember, the more details you put in, the more believable the scenario is and the more readers will care about the story. Just don't go overboard with the details. There's a line, it's not very clear where it's at, but it's easy to notice once it's crossed.
I really like your concept here. The execution needs more work, but the idea is there, and the idea is good. I'm very picky about what fics I read, but I felt attracted to your idea and I'm interested in which direction the story will take.
One last thing, don't have a poll at the beginning. It may seems like a good idea to get more feedback, but when all you're seeing is "It was okay, others may like it, but not me." What are you actually learning? You're learning there was something the reader didn't like, but you have received no information on how to fix the problem. Reviews are few and far between, it's an issue that just happens, and there's no way to generate more that will actually help you.