The first chapter isn't done yet. Please tell me what you think.
Then it doesn't meet the rules of the forum. FF&W's rules state that a chapter must be finished before it is posted to the forum.
The other problems with this is that what you have written is a one single paragraph when there should be several paragraphs. Without proper paragraphing, your story is difficult to read. It's also difficult for me personally to read because the font is so tiny. Between tiny font and no paragraphs, readers can quickly lose their place.
Take your time when writing your story. Work on a word processing program so you can save your work and not have to rush it. Read it over before you post your story to the forums to make sure there aren't any mistakes.
You can try again with a more complete chapter that you've spent your time on.