A composite Pokémon and Monster Hunter fic? Now
that I could get into. I am a lover of monsters and fictional beasts in general (I have never written a story that did not include some kind of monster), so I'm a big fan of both franchises. Let me start, then, by bouncing up and down excitedly, because I'm
really looking forward to seeing more of this.
There is one big issue I have with it, though, and that is
how purple it is. There's nothing inherently wrong with flowery prose - I often wax purple myself in the name of description - but at times, it actually becomes difficult to read. You cited Joyce as a precedent, and yes, he is a user of the stream-of-consciousness form of prose, but he also constructs that prose in a manner that renders it highly readable. (With the possible exception of
Finnegan's Wake.) In this story, virtually every noun is modified with one or more adjectives, and reading the sentences can become a little bit like wading knee-deep through a bog. You wouldn't lose atmosphere or stylistic power by cutting out a few adjectives here and there - it'd be easier to read, and it wouldn't lose its power at all.
I guess the overall point is that you should by all means experiment, as you say - but the nature of experimentation is such that the outcome is not entirely certain, and if that outcome happens to have a flaw or two in it then the experimenter might want to consider ways of polishing those flaws out. Ultimately, of course, it's up to you; it's your story.
Anyway, that's sort of related to this next point I want to raise, which is to do with the amount of information you pack into each sentence. Take this, for instance:
sturdy mega-Ampharos hairstring, flexible Kangaskhan composite bone-and-sinew traced with unholy unown runes, and a couple curse charms carved from the fearstones of Mismagii and the hollow eyes of Shedinjas
That's about a paragraph's worth of description and information forced into one sentence, and getting through that is actually pretty difficult. It's a shame, because this is
such an interesting story and it's well-written elsewhere - but solid lumps of information like that should probably be avoided, for the readers' sake at least. You're cultivating a specific style, I can see that, and I like that style, but unless you want to go full-on
Finnegan's Wake on us, I think you do also have to make a concession or two in the name of readability. There's plenty of space in the story for you to mention the elements of the bow more naturally and fluidly, as you do the greatsword.
Those are my two main issues with the story. That aside? I really am loving it. Hints of past disaster, a bleakly beautiful world, a budding original style - it holds my interest and keeps me excited, which is honestly not particularly common. I do have a few more things to point out, but they're relatively minor issues, easily corrected.
According to my investigations, this one's must be the last of the species, too.
You don't need the bolded apostrophe and S.
Tracking this one is trivial.
'Trivial' means 'of little significance or value', not, as is implied here, 'not posing any difficulty'. It's similar, but not quite what you meant, I think. I can see you're going for alliteration there, but to make proper sense it probably ought to be changed.
Then I draw a huntersknife and start hacking the horns loose.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm fairly certain that in Monster Hunter, 'hunter's knife' is written as two words, as it is elsewhere. I hesitate to class this one as an error, because it seems like it could be referencing something, but I can't see what, so I'm pointing it out anyway.
the very idea of humans going out to attack monsters felt repulsive, villainous… inhuman.
Why? Hopefully we'll be given more information about this, but at the time of reading, it does strike a reader as odd. Usually, when someone makes a statement like that, they qualify it; it feels a bit strange to not find out the reasoning behind it.
"Who do you think you are", he snapped, "and why are you doing this to the kids? Get out of our village! You're not wanted here!"
"Are you that afraid of people, that after all those years you'd leave an old friend in the dark only to cater to the fear?"
The dialogue could use a little work. The two examples I've selected here are prime examples of its two main failings: the first is way too abrupt, moving from point A to point B in one gigantic leap so that it doesn't sound much like something anyone would actually say, and the second is oddly phrased - I don't know about you, but I've never used the phrase 'only to cater to the fear' in my life. You talked about Joyce; Joyce's dialogue is highly naturalistic, to the point where he uses nonstandard notation and punctuation to better represent it as part of his narrative. The rest of the story is so vivid, the description and the world and the delicious pacing, that the short, jerky bursts of dialogue seem to let it down a little. It isn't
terrible, but it isn't as good as the rest of the story, and it shows.
and he really, really wanted to go after him, but he didn't.
After the consciously literary style you've held throughout the story so far, this line comes across as pretty weak. It's a massive break in style, and very jarring. Perhaps you intended it to be so - I can think of reasons why you would - but even if you did, I'd argue it doesn't quite work the way you meant it to. It just deflates, as if the balloon that has so far been inflating has suddenly burst. It kind of trivialises Gold's desire to follow Red, and I don't think that's what you meant.
when Gold lied sleeplessly
The past tense of 'lie' as in 'to tell untruths' is 'lied'; the past tense of 'lie as in 'to lie down' is 'lay'. So in this case, I think you want 'lay', rather than 'lied'. Unless Gold is staying up all night telling lies, which, while an entertaining idea, is probably not what you meant.
I reach my warm canteen
I think you might be missing a 'for' between 'reach' and 'my'. Otherwise, it implies that Red has just arrived at the place where the canteen is, which doesn't quite make sense.
I also have minor reservations about Xerneas being such a pushover; it might have been a bit much to start with. I know this is a very different and much more visceral version of Pokémon than normal, but I see Xerneas as at least a High Rank quest monster, to put it in Monster Hunter terms. It
is a legendary, after all, even if confronted by Red; there's a limit to how much stronger one can become, and how long it takes. (For instance, you improve much more in the first few years of learning a skill than you do in any of the next few; people do not exponentially gain skill, but master the basics and spend a long time refining the specifics.)
But it's not really much of a problem for me - if all your Pokémon in this story are just pseudo-scientifically-superpowered animals, as they are in Monster Hunter, then keep on chopping up those legendaries and don't mind a word I say.
I've listed a lot of potential mistakes here, but really, I don't think they detract from the story that much at all. It's a great piece of work, fresh and different and
Monster Hunter, which is awesome, and I very much look forward to seeing more of it.