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  #1    
Old February 20th, 2005 (8:08 AM). Edited February 20th, 2005 by Ciera.
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Ciera Ciera is offline
This is a tragedy.
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: Arizona
    Age: 26
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    We go on a trip,
    In a magical world,
    Where no one can find us.

    Over the clouds
    And under the ocean,
    While never moving an inch.

    We speak and play
    In silence, my friends
    And I.

    We romp and play,
    And never sleep,
    Always drowning in our fun...

    ...Until I wake,
    That is when they
    Return to their

    Cold gazes,
    High upon my shelves.

    I miss them already.

    -Fin.
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      #2    
    Old February 20th, 2005 (8:27 AM).
    Kelsey Kelsey is offline
    ~-*-~-*-~-*-~
       
      Join Date: Oct 2004
      Posts: 1,912
      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Ciera
      We go on a trip,
      In a magical world,
      Where no one can find us.

      Over the clouds
      And under the ocean,
      While never moving an inch.

      We speak and play
      In silence, my friends
      And I.

      We romp and play,
      And never sleep,
      Always drowning in our fun...

      ...Until I wake,
      That is when my
      Return to their

      Cold gazes,
      High upon my shelves.

      I miss them already.

      -Fin.
      Awwwwwwws, this is soo cute! <3<3 I love my stuffed animals, I used to play with them all the time. This poem is like a dream, where anything can happen and peace rains supreme. ^.^

      Don't you hate it though, when you wake up from a really good dream? And all you want to do is fall asleep and continue that dream? ^_____^ I think this poem was so wonderful, I wuved it.

      Now, on to words of advice. XD OK, the flow is all right until the last few stanzas:

      ...Until I wake,
      That is when my
      Return to their

      Cold gazes,
      High upon my shelves.

      I miss them already.


      The first line's fine, but in the second line, did you perhaps mean to say "That is when my eyes"? Them, the last few lines are kinda choppy. Maybe try this format:

      ...Until I wake,
      That is when my eyes
      Return to their cold gazes,
      High upon my shelves.

      I miss them already.


      Other than that your poem ish wonderful! Keep up the great work! ^______^

      ~Kelsey
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        #3    
      Old February 20th, 2005 (8:52 AM).
      Ciera's Avatar
      Ciera Ciera is offline
      This is a tragedy.
         
        Join Date: Jul 2004
        Location: Arizona
        Age: 26
        Gender:
        Nature: Jolly
        Posts: 663
        I made a boo-boo ;

        Instead of my, it's supposed to be 'they', where it doesn't make sence..

        Anyway, thanks -huggles-
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          #4    
        Old February 20th, 2005 (9:03 AM).
        Kelsey Kelsey is offline
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          Ooh, I see. XD Well, that works out even better than what I thought it was. XD *huggles back*

          ~Kelsey
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            #5    
          Old February 20th, 2005 (10:48 AM).
          Ciera's Avatar
          Ciera Ciera is offline
          This is a tragedy.
             
            Join Date: Jul 2004
            Location: Arizona
            Age: 26
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            Nature: Jolly
            Posts: 663
            I would hope so ; Anyway, I went through it again, and fixed the typos.
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              #6    
            Old February 20th, 2005 (11:08 AM).
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            Dignity Dignity is offline
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              Ooh! I like this poem. There is a certain type of innocence you don't usually find in poems. Good job! -;; ~origin
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                #7    
              Old February 20th, 2005 (3:18 PM).
              Ciera's Avatar
              Ciera Ciera is offline
              This is a tragedy.
                 
                Join Date: Jul 2004
                Location: Arizona
                Age: 26
                Gender:
                Nature: Jolly
                Posts: 663
                lol, innocence? Thanks, I guess. Wait- I don't guess, so, thank you, ;
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                  #8    
                Old February 20th, 2005 (4:10 PM).
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                Dignity Dignity is offline
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                  No problemo!! xD;; If you want any advice on writing, you can PM me if you wish, Ciera! -; ~origin
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