I see no one has gotten to your fic, yet. Let's change that, shall we?
Whenever there was something very important he would jog down a quick note of it,
I think you mean "jot" instead of "jog" here. Jog is similar to running, while jot reffers to writing down something quickly, like jotting down a few notes.
I should get a cup of coffee, he thought.
Normally, thoughts are formatted to be different from normal description. I would recommend italicizing them since that's a popular way of doing things and it also signifies that the character isn't speaking.
He reasoned that the drive to the coffee shop would make him more alert than he isnow.
You need a space between "is" and "now".
I think you’re going to want to get downhere.
Same thing here between "down" and "here".
This is last thing he needed to do was oversee a murder case that’s going to generate publicity.
This sentence is awkwardly written. I think you heading into the sentence thinking one expression, and then finished the sentence with a different one. I would look over it and revise it.
There was shattered glass everywhere on the floor, ranging from broken flasks and computer monitors.
When you say "ranging from", you're basically making a comparison. Since you're making a comparison, you're going to want to use "to" instead of "and" between the two objects you're comparing. When you use "and", you're grouping those two objects together, and then the reader is left wondering what you're comparing the two objects to.
“There were no phones in here or cameras, and nobody other than Whitfield knew they were downhere.”
A couple of things here. In the beginning, I would put "cameras" in front of "in here" as it's awkwardly written right now and a little difficult to understand. Also, you need a space between "down" and "here".
and paid no attention to the morning news on television in the living room.
You need a "the" in front of "television" since you're refferring to a specific television set in the living room, rather than the television program.
“Looks like your dad in for another busy day.”
You forgot the "is" in front of "in"
Taking defeat after defeat alone,
This is awkward because the last person you referenced to is Whitney, so this makes it sound like Whitney was losing time and time again. I don't think that's what you're going for.
One nitpick:
“From what we can tell, there was a struggle.” Detective Howard said. “And our victims were most likely burned to death.”
“They were locked inside of here and couldn’t escape?” Captain Somers questioned. “How the hell did the killer get in?”
When Captain Somers automatically assumes that there's a killer, it surprised me. There were three scientists working on something in a locked room that's nearly impossible to enter, or get out of. That doesn't scream "murder" to me, it screams "lab accident". It just struck me as a bit odd that it was automatically ruled as a murder.
I'm having some problems with the characters. In the beginning, I had no idea who was who. You started out using "he", and then all of a sudden started using names, and I couldn't make the connection between the characters. I'm about 85% sure that you're talking about Captain Somers in the beginning, when there shouldn't be any doubt. The dialogue also gets a little confusing at times, such as this:
“You’ve reached Central Division. This is Area Commander, Captain Somers speaking.” These were words that were so imbedded in his mind, they felt almost scripted.
“This is Lieutenant Reyes.” He said. “Sorry to disturb your late night, sir.”
“That’s alright, Reyes, what is it?”
Since Captain Somers is the person that the first line of dialogue is referencing to, when you say "he" in the second line, that's the first name the comes to mind. I'm guessing that it's supposed to be the other person that Captain Somers is talking to, that speaks right there. Instead of using "he", try to use something that signifies which person that's speaking, such as, "the man on the other side of the line". This gives the reader an idea of who the speaker is.
I had a lot of trouble keeping track of who is who, especially when the three girls were introduced. There's little to no description of the characters, so there's nothing to attach the names to. I thought that it was simply three roommates living together in an apartment, which made it pretty confusing when one of them turned out to be a nanny. Just some description of what the characters look like could really help readers keep track of who is who since it gives us something to attach the names to.
As far as showing v telling goes, I can tell you're trying. It's not perfect, but I feel like the only thing you need is more experience with it, so all I have for you is just keep writing.
I'm interested to see how the beginning murders will tie in with Danielle's journey. You have two stories that I wouldn't expect to tie into each other, and I'm interested to see how you'll handle that. There are some things that you need to work on, but there are some definitely strengths here too. I feel like you need some more practice applying some of the things I mentioned and your writing will be a lot stronger. Good luck in the future and I hoped I helped!