Pokémon Charcoal's Destiny.

Started by MistressofMightyena April 28th, 2014 2:40 AM
  • 1086 views
  • 4 replies
Female
Seen March 25th, 2021
Posted August 29th, 2014
39 posts
9.1 Years
Hey everyone, this is my fanfic, a work in progress. Charcoal's Destiny is a story by me following a brave Charmander's quest to become a top rate explorer.Her destiny is etwined with many others and the path to glory and true friendship will be filled with many dangers, and a lot harder than she expects.. I'm currently on 35 chapters, but I'll leave Chapter 1 here and post a chapter a day as long as someone else posts so I don't double post. It's not the most well written thing, started this two years ago, and my writing certainly got better over the course of the fic. Anyway, here's Chapter 1, all comments and criticism are welcome.
Spoiler:
Chapter 1- My alarm clock was beeping and I heard a dodrio cry in the distance, signaling the arrival of dawn. I blearily stretched, got out of bed and went over to the mirror. As always, I found myself wishing that I was a normal coloured Charmander. Instead of the normal orange, my skin was a shiny golden colour which blended with my cream coloured belly and my eyes where a stunning blue, the flame on my tail burned brightly. I went downstairs to the kitchen, were my foster parents, a couple of Charizard’s stood with breakfast. My real parents we’re killed when I was just 2 years old. As per usual my foster dad Riki greeted me warmly, while my foster mother, Sammy, made me breakfast and gave me a hug. I ate my breakfast quickly and with a small sigh, went to check the mail that was on the kitchen bench. I sifted through the mail, hoping to find a letter confirming my acceptance to a rescue team guild. It’s my lifelong dream to create and lead the world’s finest rescue team. I saw many bills and letters from family and when I came down to the last letter my heart skipped a beat. I glanced at it and almost fainted with joy when I opened it and read that it was from “Loppunys Guild of Fun and Friendship” with my heart ready to burst out of my chest with joy and excitement I read that her Guild would be very happy to accept me, and to meet her at the Guild at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. I gave an excited yell and went to show my foster parents the letter. To my dismay, they skim read the letter and sternly told me that ”An exploration team Guild is no place for a young charmander like you, there is too much risk involved, you will stay here and get a nice job at the bank”. I opened my mouth to argue but shut it again as a plan formed in my mind. I said”Okay, I will stay here and just let my dreams slide away”. This was meant to be sarcastic, but luckily for me Riki and Sammy took it seriously. I forced myself to walk instead of run up the stairs to my room. I packed some food, water, blankets, toothbrush and of course the letter, plus my favourite pink bow, my blue scarf and red bracelet. I took a few deep breaths and left a letter for my foster parents. I reread what I’d written”Dear Riki and Sammy, I want to thank you for taking such good care of me these last 8 years, but I’m going to chase my dreams, and I hope that you care for me enough to respect my decision and let me live my life the for myself” Sincerely yours Charcoal. I took one last look around my beloved room, took one deep breath and opened my window. I used a nearby tree to lower myself around, looked at the sunset in the east, the direction we’re the guild was, and took my first step into a brand new world full of fun and adventure aswell as mystery.

~MistressofMightyena~
~Paired with Wolf Masin~ <3
Member of the Shiny Hunters Club
My Shiny Card
Current Hunts:
Y Multi MM:


Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Hey there! Welcome to FF&W!

Since you're open to comments, I figured I'd stop by and give you some advice for your story.

First, I noticed that you don't have proper paragraph spacing. When writing on the forums, you should hit the Enter button twice between paragraphs to have a space between each one. This makes your story more inviting to read, since it's not just a wall of text.

I also noticed that you have a few grammar errors in your chapter. Mostly with using the wrong word in a sentence.

my eyes where a stunning blue
Should be "were a stunning blue"

I went downstairs to the kitchen, were my foster parents
"where my foster parents"

a couple of Charizard’s stood with breakfast
"a couple of Charizard"

Pokemon names are weird when being pluralized. You don't have to add an "s" to the end of them to signify more than one. But if you do, then you don't use an apostrophe. "'s" signifies possession of something.

My real parents we’re killed
"were killed"

“Loppunys Guild of Fun and Friendship
"Loppuny's Guild" to signify possession

looked at the sunset in the east
I'm assuming you mean "sunrise in the east" since Charcoal's just waking up for breakfast. Unless she's a nocturnal Pokemon?

the direction we’re the guild was
"where the guild was"

This also has a few plot-related issues to me. Did Charcoal ever mention to her parents how much she wanted to join an exploration team? While I can understand that her parents might be worried about her out in the world (especially given her past), why couldn't Charcoal just talk to them first before running away? That way, you could show to the reader just how much Charcoal is willing to work towards her dream. Or at least show that her parents care for her by listening to her dream and how important it is. And why it's so important. Why does Charcoal want to create the best exploration team? Is it related to her real parents?

This introduction just feels rushed, as if you couldn't wait to get Charcoal out the door to her adventure. If her home life isn't going to be important to the story, then you could have just passed over this scene and started her off at the guild. If her home life is going to be important, then it deserves a little more time devoted to it.

Plus taking the time to explore the world and the characters makes your story a little richer to the reader. They can get involved more.

You have a good beginning here for a fic. It just needs a little more time to develop and bring the reader in to get a feel for Charcoal.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Female
Seen March 25th, 2021
Posted August 29th, 2014
39 posts
9.1 Years
Thanks for your comments. I cringed when reading this when I posted, I wrote it 3 years back now haha. Anyway, most of those mistakes are fixed in later chapters. Here's Chapter 2:
Spoiler:
Chapter 2- After many hours of trudging through scrub land and city alike, I’d finally made it to “Lopunny’s Guild of Fun and Friendship”. Though now that I was standing at the gates, I didn’t know what to make of it. The gate was solid gray and at least twice my height. I opened my backpack and got out my acceptance letter, the gate was installing a feeling of dread into me and I was suddenly feeling threatened by whatever was inside. After taking several deep breaths to try and calm myself down, I knocked loudly on the gate. While I waited, I kept reading the letter and thinking about home and my foster parents, which sent a flow of tears to my eyes, which I quickly wiped away.

A sudden sound by the gate startled me; a mawile was standing there, their eyes narrowed towards me. It said in a gruff voice”Who are you? If you came to sell something, we have no need for cleaning products or anything else.”I realized that it must be a male and not a very nice one at that, which to my dismay caused me to stutter. “I’m, I’m Char-Charcoal the Charmander, I-I have a letter of accep-acceptance here to-to this guild”. He glared at me his eyes still narrowed, while I showed him the letter. He scanned it for a few moments, then nodded curtly, opened the gate and said”Charcoal huh? Guild master Lopunny talked about you earlier. I’m Zorbas the Mawile and deputy here at this exploration guild. I just nodded, too nervous to speak. He lead my towards the entrance, carefully shutting the gate after him. When I stepped inside, I was amazed by how beautiful this place was. I’d stepped into a sandy floored clearing; the walls were padded with soft moss there were several wooden chairs and three cave entrances: one on the left, one the right and another one in the center. Zorbas saw my look of mingled curiosity and confusion and explained to me that”Were we are standing right now us the main clearing where meetings and such are held, the cave to the left leads to the bedrooms and the storeroom, the cave to the right leads to the kitchen and dining area and the central cave leads to Guild Master Lopunny’s room. That’s where we will be going now. He headed off, with me trailing behind like an obedient growlithe. We reached the cave in less than 5 minutes though to me it felt like forever. I braced myself as I walked further towards my destiny…

~MistressofMightyena~
~Paired with Wolf Masin~ <3
Member of the Shiny Hunters Club
My Shiny Card
Current Hunts:
Y Multi MM:


Nolafus

Aspiring something

Age 27
Male
Lost in thought... again
Seen March 3rd, 2018
Posted March 11th, 2017
5,722 posts
10.9 Years
I'm sorry, but I want you to stop and work on this chapter a little bit. It's way too short as it is. I understand that you write this a long time ago, so now would be a good time to rework it a little bit and polish it up. Just listen to Astinus, and you should be good to go. Until this chapter gets longer, I'm afraid I'm going to have to restrict you from posting further chapters.
PairPC sister