Hiya, PokéCommunity. My name is CrystalStatic, and I'm here with my PKMN fanfic titled, "Fate".
I'm completely new at story writing, so hopefully I can tell a good story without too many 'writing errors' or whatever you story-telling savvy people call them. :3
Hiya CrystalStatic, my name's Anon. Welcome to the wonderful world of writing and our little corner in it at PCFF&W!
First off, it's nice to see that you've kept posting even without any replies/reviews. An early dry spell is often a major deterrent for new guys around here, so keep it up.
On that note, I think one of the reasons reviewers haven't showed up yet might be the CSS. I can kind of dig the scroll bar, but I'm absolutely not digging the green-on-grey. The low contrast makes it hard to read. I think it's better to stick to the default colors so you know what shows up for everyone will be what they want to see.
And now on to the actual review:
You have a few good ideas working here. The shadow is interesting, and provides a good amount of menace. Another good source of menace is the implication that some Pokemon are insane due to their being "infected" by something. In execution, though, I think these are missed opportunities so far. You have a character in Snivy who knows about as little as we do going into all this, but the shadow and rampant infection are explained to him instead of encountered more directly. When Snivy goes from being vaguely-lost-and-confused to all of the sudden in a very safe, very well equipped facility complete with six instant friends it makes the whole world feel much safer than I think you mean it to. If you keep the danger at arm's length and dispose of mystery too abruptly through exposition, there's little left to grab the reader.
As for the quality of the writing itself, you're certainly not short on description. Unfortunately, you let it run a little wild in parts, especially on the physical description of the characters. Even if you're going with the pretense that Snivy doesn't really know about any other Pokemon, you don't need to go into every last detail of what a Tepig looks like. Either the reader knows what a Tepig looks like and gets bored with the length, or the reader doesn't know what a Tepig looks like and can't remember all the details anyway. More general descriptions are fine, especially because you already use words like "pig" or "turtle."
Other problems that arise when you try to say too much in the description is that sometimes you get inconsistencies, like here:
I felt a relaxing but eerie breeze against my somewhat numb face.
Snivy's getting a really specific feeling from that breeze, which is incongruous with how his face is "numb."
Description is tricky. It's hard to find that balance between dry and overwrought (at least, it certainly is for me). One guideline I try to follow is to avoid is adding detail just because everything feels too short. It's better to focus on what your main ideas are and come up with just enough detail to convey and enrich those. So for example, don't tell us how big a room is by giving its precise dimensions (even if you precede it with 'maybe' so that it sounds like a guess). Stick with the qualitative indicators for how big it is, the ones that evoke how the place is supposed to feel. So descriptions like the open window comparison good, numbers bad.
There are some grammar mistakes in there as well. The biggest one I noticed was using
it's where you actually mean
its. The former is the contraction for
it is, while the latter is the possessive. So "it's hot outside," but "its teeth sure are sharp." I don't have time to do a full grammar review of your fic, though, so if you need more help on that front you can try looking for a grammar beta-reader.
tl;dr: You have some good ideas but still need to present them in a gripping way. Descriptions are shaky too, so be sure you keep writing and especially keep reading books, as that's the best way to improve your overall writing quality.