Oh Wilting Lily

Started by Ninetales1 March 16th, 2005 10:37 PM
  • 609 views
  • 3 replies

Ninetales1

Japan-flavoured Europhile

Age 35
In a country I currently despise
Seen August 27th, 2013
Posted August 27th, 2013
723 posts
19.6 Years
This is a song I wrote recently and I am fully open to any criticism (but no flaming!) on it. I especially need to know if the meaning is clear...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Oh my flower, do not die
How you wilt, it tears my eye
What is wrong, what did I do
To make one as weak as you?

Was it no water or lack of air
Or sunlight or soil, it's not fair
I cannot live if your petals fall
Why do you no longer stand tall?

Let the healing rain come on you
You don't need to remain blue

In the past you always thrived
In acid rain, you still survived
What broke your immortality?
Please, my flower, answer me

Your beauty lit up my younger self
I thrived too, all thanks to your help
I am your butterfly, nectar's a trend
But not if you're gaunt and weakened

There was something that wished nothing
In your life which I need so

Don't die, flower
Need you now
Lift the dark spell
Pray hard, be well
If you leave me
I too'll die
Lily of my soul
Let's fight the evil

Let us say a prayer or two
Which will bring back life to you
You're my talents, hopes, and dreams
Lose the magic by no means

Could it be faith that needs to be here?
Are doubts your wekness and fear?
I planted you with belief and grace
Now I sense sadness on your face

I must rid it, it's a sin
Mystery poison kills within

Spirit, flower
Spare an hour
I'll find some way
Till then, stay here, don't go away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, this song has no chorus... Anyways when I wrote this song, I felt like I was not enjoying the things I like as much, not being good at the things I'm good at, that type of thing. I hope the metaphor gets across...



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Khaos Angel

Bunny Apprentice To Blue

Age 32
Seen April 6th, 2005
Posted March 19th, 2005
232 posts
18.2 Years
Hm, very nice, a bit off in some places, such as this part:

Don't die, flower
Need you now
Lift the dark spell
Pray hard, be well
If you leave me
I too'll die
Lily of my soul
Let's fight the evil
Otherwise I find it very nice. And the meaning got across just fine too. Very good. I feel the need to rate though I normally don't. 10/10!

Natsuki

.bluefang.

Age 33
Female
Minnesota
Seen July 16th, 2015
Posted March 22nd, 2012
5,046 posts
18.2 Years
Wow Ninetales, this is a really good song. ^___^ (PS - sorry I'm so late. XD) I think the lines that Khaos suggested above are the only ones that are having a bit of difficulty. ^^; Maybe try fixing up the lines by adding commas or semi-colons at the ends of the lines, that can really help with the flow. ^______^

Other than that, this song was very pleasing to read, well done Ninetales! *stamps the "Kelsey Seal of Approval" on Ninetales's song* :3

~Kelsey