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Old April 25th, 2005 (5:11 AM).
Geometric-sama's Avatar
Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
The Manly Man of Steel
     
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    <currently untitled>
    by Jedi_Amara and LilyPichu

    Authors' Notes: Welcome to our new project! This is the first time either of us has seriously tried a chapter fic, and we're doing it together. Lily's doing the odd-numbered chapters, and JA's doing the even-numbered chapters as well as starting it off with the prologue. Enjoy~ Oh, and we haven't worked out a title yet, you can suggest one if you'd like.

    Disclaimers: We don't own Pokmon or any related names/indicia, but we do own our original characters.

    Spelling/Language: Australian for JA's chapters; US for Lily's chapters. (Odd, huh? XD)

    -------------

    Prologue

    Darkness came early in winter.

    The boy leaned against the post, kicking halfheartedly at the snow. Above him, the old street lamp glowed softly, illuminating the white-covered ground with a pool of golden light. It was quiet, save for the occasional car that flashed past with the roar of an engine, and he was content to simply stand and think. Think about what he was leaving behind. Think of the people he'd known. Of the people he'd never known.

    Eyes watched the boy from behind.

    Headlights shone in the distance, becoming brighter as the car neared him. It pulled up to the kerb; the engine sputtered in the cold, then stopped. The boy reached for the door, but it swung open before he could touch it. With a quick shake of his head, he climbed into the high seat and closed the door, pulling his cloak tightly around him.

    In the distance, a fire went out.
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      #2    
    Old April 25th, 2005 (5:30 PM).
    lilbluecorsola's Avatar
    lilbluecorsola lilbluecorsola is offline
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      Another chapter fic by Lileh? O.O *dies*

      ; Anyhoo, since you're the one who wrote the Prologue, I suppose I shall be addressing you, JA.

      Nice, dramatic(?) approach. A little short, but it's a Prologue, so that's understandable.

      No mistakes I found other than 'kerb'. (Not sure if that's correct in Australian or not.)

      What I like about it is the simple organization of it all. Three short, dramatic sentences seperated by one paragraph of description in between creates an easy, pleasing look. Description itself was good too.

      This seems promising. Leaves me wondering what this is all about.

      I await your next chapter. (^.~)
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        #3    
      Old April 25th, 2005 (7:23 PM). Edited April 25th, 2005 by ActOnThat.
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        Not bad at all. Two little complaints.

        Quote:
        It was quiet, save for the occasional car that flashed past with the roar of an engine, and he was content to simply stand and think. Think about what he was leaving behind. Think of the people he'd known. Of the people he'd never known.
        This is very awkward. The... ah, I'm having a grammatical mentalblock but it starts with an a... portion between the commas is long and throws off the sentence. Also, the fragments... I get the feeling you're trying to convey, but I think it could be done grmmatical..ly...er... Not to mention that it could easily mean something quite different then what you've meant it to. Here's what I'd suggest:

        It was quiet, save for the occasional car that flashed past with the roar of an engine. He was content to simply stand and think...about what he was leaving behind... of the people he'd known... of the people he'd never known.

        Just flows better in my opinion.

        Also... kerb? Curb, last I checked. Not the most phoenetic of words, but what do the Phoenecians know anyway?

        Not much to say for an abrupt prologue. I await.
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          #4    
        Old April 25th, 2005 (7:23 PM).
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        Lily Lily is offline
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        Actually, this one was the first one. I began my other one shortly after this. X3

        Ummm JA...do you mind if I post it within a week or more? ;_; I'm multitasking. So sorry!
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          #5    
        Old April 25th, 2005 (8:13 PM).
        Geometric-sama's Avatar
        Geometric-sama Geometric-sama is offline
        The Manly Man of Steel
           
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          Sure thing Lily. ; The "kerb" thing is probably Australian then. It's definitely right for here. With the "think about" thing, I wanted to give it that very cut off feel
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          "One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
          Albert Einstein

          "What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
          Benjamin Franklin

          "Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
          Bertrand Russell

          avatar and signature by FoxHound

          ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
          Reply With Quote
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