it was really, really bad in 8th grade when i was in middle school (idk what other people call it in other places? sorry), i suffered with suicidal thoughts constantly and i would self harm constantly, pretty much every day because i didn't know how else to deal with my feelings. middle school was the worst 3 years of my life, because of bullying and because of the crushing mental illness i was also dealing with. i did get help, eventually, after my mom freaked out and sent me to the hospital because i said i was suicidal (which is understandable, i'd freak out too), and then the hospital provided me with a psychiatrist and it was..okay? she was sort of a lousy psychiatrist in my opinion. luckily, shortly after that, we moved to another town in NY, and i lived with my mom since my parents were separated and going to be divorced soon. when i first moved there, it was very difficult to deal with.
i still self harmed a lot and posted a lot of sad stuff on tumblr because i didn't really have anyone else to confide in, because i didn't want to scare or freak my mom out i guess. then i started public school, since i had moved there in the summer. it went okay at first. i didn't have any friends for the first 2 months of high school and it was awful. i sat alone at lunch by myself constantly. luckily, i confided in my counselor about this and i sat with some seniors for a while until i had the courage to go and make other friends near my age. so i did, and it was okay from then on. then one day i was feeling really awful and decided to bring some glass with me to school because i wanted to self harm in the school bathrooms, because i didn't feel i could do it at home with my mom constantly watching me. i think afterwards i told a teacher or someone i confided in, and then i was inspected by police and was given a warning, luckily not getting suspended for bringing it to school. i was also sent to the hospital and evaluated there.
since my problem was growing more serious to my mom, she wanted me to get help. and so she asked my primary doctor about it, who suggest this group therapy place to go and get therapy from. at first, i was nervous, but i agreed and went reluctantly, since i was terrified of how the therapist would be. luckily for me, i would have a great client/therapist relationship with her for the next 5 years and kept on seeing her until i graduated high school. but. uh. yeah. after that, i had slipped up with self harm here and there, trying to recover but failing. i was also best friends with my friend, elizabeth, who means a lot to me. me and her were suffering with the same problems, depression and self harm, and we also had a lot of other common interests like emo bands. we started to confide in each other and whatnot and yeah. i don't know what i would've done without her. afterwards 9th grade had slowly passed, my problems still a struggle sadly.
in the summer after 9th grade, it was okay. i still struggled here and there, slipping up, but not as badly since i had a therapist and a psychiatrist that i had started seeing that year as well who prescribed me antidepressants. i didn't really like my psychiatrist, but, i felt obligated to keep seeing her. she diagnosed me with severe depression. i sort of saw it coming, but it still felt..bad that i had it. i felt weird and abnormal. i started taking antidepressants. i changed them many times bc i felt they didn't work for me. anyways, then 10th grade came, and the beginning of the year went okay. i had a small group of friends, some younger than me and some older than me. none of them really knew about my problems i think, and if they did, they didn't say anything. it was all going okay until one day i decided to bring razor blades to school because i was having a awful day and my mom was watching me like a hawk as usual because she was worried about me.
i'll just spare you the details and say it didn't go well at all. i had told a counselor (she was sort of a counselor, she just sort of helped kids figure out their life, but had a different title than a counselor.), and i trusted her a lot. however, she was obligated to tell the vice principal and principal of what i had done since i had brought a "weapon" to school, the weapon being the razor blade. i was brought to the office and had OSS (out of school suspension), for a week. however, after the week was up, they deemed it unsafe for me to go back to the regular public school, so i stayed there for 2 months while they decided what to do with me. after we had a meeting of where to place me, i decided to go to try a private school, since my only other choice was partial, an out-patient hospital program where they taught you coping methods and dbt and all that stuff. i had already been to partial once in the summer, and felt it unhelpful so i decided to try the private school. i had a sort of "trial" run there, staying for a few days and visiting to see what it was like.
at first i was a bit weary and hesitant, but i realized this would be the best option for me, since they had a psychiatrist there, a social worker, and someone in general to talk to if i ever needed help. there were also other students there who suffered with the same problems as me. i felt it was the best decision. so i decided to stay there and try it out permanently and then i ended up staying there until i graduated. it was a good school for me. my social worker sort of got on my nerves, and i felt more close to her intern than my social worker herself, but i did get through it and made many good bonds to the teachers there. i was very sad after i graduated. i'm glad that i decided to go there though. i'm not sure what would've happened to me if i didn't go. i probably would've just slowly gotten worse and worse. i dunno.